Functioning Adult Status

September 15, 2024

Functioning Adult Status Application

Dear Universe,

I respectfully submit this claim as evidence that I have reached “Functioning Adult Status.” I kindly request that you review my “Hard Lesson” summary below, along with the required “Life Lesson Impact Statement.”  For your convenience, these lessons are listed in chronological order but are not necessarily in the order of gravity or life impact. My therapist has indicated that these rankings may change over time as I become more mature and better able to understand my role in the events that transpired.

I sincerely believe that my application illustrates the humiliation/anger/disappointment that has instilled the appropriate level of fear and anxiety that is required to meet “Functioning Adult Status”.

EXHIBITS:

HARD LESSON #1

2004: Cabo San Lucas

Oh, beautiful plate of tacos, tempting me with your aromatic pork grilled to crispy perfection, resting beneath bright green cilantro, creamy guacamole and precisely cut white onions. You were impossible to resist, even though I was running late for my flight home. I was hungry, and we all know how airport food can be. Like a mirage in the desert, Ivan’s Taco Cart beckoned to me.

Whatever you do, our hotel manager had said emphatically when we first checked in, only eat tacos from Manny’s Taco Palace. We’ve had lots of guests stuck in their rooms for days, even weeks, from eating bad fish. Trust me on this one.

But these weren’t fish tacos, and Ivan’s Cart looked clean. And I have a thing for pork tacos.

I should’ve known better. I barely made it onto my flight when the cramping started, next came chills, then the rest that is too gross to describe. I was too feverish to remember how I got home from the airport and somehow landed in my bed. It took two months, yes months, of multiple visits to urgent care and countless rounds of antibiotics before I could eat solid foods. And then it was two more weeks before I would even consider leaving the house for more than three hours.

LIFE LESSON #1 IMPACT STATEMENT: Can we just chalk this one up to young and dumb?

HARD LESSON #2

2008: Scotts Valley, California

It had been a long time since I had been on a date. The manager of the coffee shop I single-handedly kept in business, Steven Stewart, was cute and employed. Those were my baseline standards for a date.

Sweaty from my workout and still wearing my Tacos Are Life sweatshirt, I was caught off guard when Steven asked me out to dinner. In retrospect, he deserves some credit for not just asking me out to coffee. Still doesn’t make up for his behavior later. But at that time, I didn’t know much about him beyond the fact that he met my minimum qualifications for a date, but I needed to eat anyway, so figured, why not?

Here’s the why not:

The date started off well. The meal was good, and the conversation flowed. Steven seemed like he was actually listening to me; he even laughed at my stupid jokes. Although that could have been a charity laugh in hopes that I would sleep with him. Sorry, I digress. When the bill came, he immediately dragged it over to his side of the table and pulled out his credit card. Phew.

I allowed myself to feel a little hope that he could be second-date material.

UNTIL…

Steven: “So, not sure if this is a deal-breaker, but I have a three-year old daughter.”

Me, relieved that he hadn’t told me he was married, out on parole, or about to move to Costa Rica. “That’s cool!” I love kids! “That must be such a fun age—they’re so full of energy and curious about everything.”

Steven, frowning slightly, leaned toward me and said in a conspirator's tone: “Yeah, you know. There’s not much you can do with a three-year old, so I just see her a few times a year.” Um what? There was a lot of background noise, maybe I heard him wrong.

Trying to keep it light, I offer, “I bet your parents are excited to have a granddaughter though.”

Steven: “Not really, I mean, my dad is dead.” Yikes, didn’t see that one coming. So much for keeping it light.

Me: “I’m so sorry to hear that. That must have been so hard on you, and especially your mom.”

Steven: “I wasn’t that close to my dad, so I barely noticed he was gone. And if you want my honest opinion, my mom is kind of, no, is totally, a bitch. She will be good for a decent inheritance, though.” I thought he was joking, but his smug expression told me otherwise.

I should’ve known better. My dad always told me to never trust a man with two first names.

LIFE LESSON #2 IMPACT STATEMENT: I should not have used the credit card my dad had given me “For emergencies only” to pay the dinner bill when Steven’s credit card was conveniently declined. I also need to adjust my baseline dating standards.

HARD LESSON #3

2013: Fort Collins, Colorado

I had never ridden a fat bike before, but my friend made it look effortless as he jumped curb after curb on our bike ride. At that time, I was a waifish girl/woman of five foot two, and he, a six-foot-tall avid cyclist who possessed natural grace and athleticism.

We were riding home from our monthly pub crawl, which led me to being suggestible to stupid ideas.

We had just arrived at his house, which was a beautiful craftsman with a long staircase leading up to the front door. We were carrying our bikes up the stairs and had just reached the top when he uttered the words he knew I wouldn’t be able to resist.

“I bet you’re too much of a wuss to ride your bike down the stairs.”

Feeling clever, I counter, “Maybe not on my bike, but I totally would on yours.” He loves his bike more than life itself, so he wouldn’t let me use it if he thought there was any chance his bike would get “injured.”

Him: “Come on, you’re way too small for my bike. But okay, shrimp, let me see you try!”

Those big tires would make me bulletproof!

Predictably, yes, I rode his bike down the stairs. Correction, started off riding his bike, which then became me bucking down the stairs, luckily, miraculously, managing to land upright.

I should’ve known better. There is a reason that women’s bikes have a much lower cross bar. I was bruised in ways and places that let’s just say wouldn’t be possible for a man. I was not bulletproof.

LIFE LESSON #3 IMPACT STATEMENT: I am no longer a fan of fat bikes, or bikes in general. It is also probably better to call an Uber after participating in a bar crawl.

HARD LESSON #4

2019: Sonoma, California

I felt like I was in a movie. My best friend and I were at a winery atop a picturesque hillside (see, I’ve matured from bar crawls onto more civilized drinking venues.) The air had the slightest hint of eucalyptus, and we had a stunning view of the mountains to the east. There was still enough of a chill in the air that I was wearing jeans, even though I had wanted to wear my cute sundress. My friend convinced me that these baggy jeans were “super stylish,” and that my sundress made me look thirsty. Rude. My resulting fashion choice ended up being my undoing.

As I was waiting for my next pour, I took a solo walk around the property. I needed a break from all the wine talk, but the real reason is I wanted to post a wine toast boomerang before my friend could stop me. There I am, quietly minding my own business when I finally find a spot where my Wi-Fi works. I was adding my last hashtag when I suddenly began experiencing an extremely uncomfortable sensation. I don’t think there’s a medical term to describe the manner in which my crotch was ON FIRE!

I could tell that the source of my pain was traveling throughout my pants. In my stupor, I managed to look down and saw that I was hovering over a wasp nest, or rather a wasp hole. A flush came over me and at that same moment I realized that there was more than one wasp in my pants. Maybe five. My first instinct was to pull my pants down to let the satanic creatures escape, but I was in a very public setting. I was torn between decorum and survival--decorum won (you didn’t see that one coming, did you?) Even in my trauma, I had a vague understanding that it isn’t proper to run naked in front of strangers who are drinking wine.

I resorted to repeatedly slamming my hand into my crotch as I ran toward the nearest bathroom, humiliation complete.

I should’ve known better. Girl Scout rule #1: always be aware of your surroundings when you’re in nature. And I’m 99% sure you have a more intense histamine response to wasp stings when you’ve been drinking.

LIFE LESSON #4 IMPACT STATEMENT: First of all, what are the chances that I have now experienced two injuries to my lower region? I guess I needed to learn this hard lesson twice.

Never take fashion advice from a friend when their advice goes against your instincts. If I had worn the sundress like I wanted to that day, I could have easily flushed the wasps out before they stung me fifty million times.

They did comp my wine tasting that day—does that take away from my hard lesson?

CONCLUDING STATEMENT:

Thank you for considering my application. I am available via text to further explain any questionable decisions that are referenced below; please don’t email or leave me a voicemail, as I think we can all agree that those forms of communication are cumbersome and intrusive.

Always Learning,

Ebony White

***

January 2025

APPEAL LETTER

Dear Universe,

Thank you for taking the time to review my application for “Functioning Adult Status.” I understand that my previous submission contained only four “Hard Lessons,” which I now realize is one less than the required number for approval. I sincerely apologize for this oversight.

With respect, I am exercising my legal right to submit an appeal to the Universe, Karma Police Division. Instead of completing a fifth “Hard Lesson” and resubmitting my application, I would like to offer an alternative option.

This alternative option is based on something I keep hearing about, that I’m sure you, Universe, are already familiar with (if you’re not, you really should look into it). It’s this thing called growth mindset, which involves celebrating mistakes as the best way of learning! Instead of feeling shame or regret for mistakes, I can now use those hard life lessons to recognize situations where making mistakes is even better than being successful! This perspective allows me to weigh the pros and cons (doesn’t that sound very adult-y?) and, after careful consideration, decide to do something even if it seems ill-advised.

I realize this seems counterintuitive to the original principles of “Adulting,” because it may mean unlearning some of the “Hard Lessons” that allowed me to previously apply for “Functioning Adult Status.”

Below are several examples that I hope will illustrate my point. You will notice that I have renamed “Hard Lesson” to “Wisdom Upgrade” in the spirit of keeping things in a positive vein. *

WISDOM UPGRADE #1: I have returned to Cabo San Lucas on two occasions, and each time I ate pork tacos from various food trucks, without becoming sick. In complete violation of “Hard Lesson #1”, I ate FISH tacos from three different food trucks. I suffered no ill effects from any of these experiences. I will say that I brought prophylactic antibiotics in case I encountered an issue—I’ve learned a few things through my adulting!

WISDOM UPGRADE #3: I still don’t do bar crawls anymore, but I ride a stationary bike at the gym and haven’t fallen off or hurt myself once.

WISDOM UPGRADE #4: Now that I am more comfortable with my body and style sense (another benefit of coming closer to “Functioning Adult Status”), I choose to wear what I want, which is either straight fit or skinny jeans with boots. It would be extremely difficult for a wasp to find its way up there.

*You may have noticed that I didn’t include “Hard Lesson #2”, which pertains to not trusting/dating a man with two first names. I have not had the opportunity to meet or date a man with two first names since the incident in Scotts Valley.

ADDENDUM:

I have included a submission that I believe is a valid substitution for the missing “Hard Lesson #5” (now renamed to “Wisdom Upgrade”). However, it’s a little unorthodox because I don’t know the end result yet. I think, though, that part of entering “Functioning Adult Status” is becoming more comfortable with the unknown.

(Proposed) WISDOM UPGRADE #5

2025, San Rafael, CA

I recently met a man in a grocery store. I know, seems a little too “meet cute.” Especially because I usually eat take-out most nights of the week. But there I was in Sprouts, and it was one of those instant attractions that my rational mind told me would never lead to anything serious.

But please, Universe, can’t I see this one through? I bet even YOU wouldn’t be able to resist his crooked smile, perfectly tousled hair or his kind, crinkly eyes. I noticed all of this before I even caught a whiff of the clean, cedary smell that wafted off him in warm waves. And then that deep voice. Sigh. Don’t worry, there’s a personality in there that I’ve gotten to know over the past six months.

The problem is, on paper, he doesn’t check my boxes. He’s messy, terrible with money but has some super boring job that has something to do with money—is that ironic or what? He’s such a homebody that I have to drag him out of the house and we don’t like any of the same music or TV shows.

But…he is close with his family, especially his mom, and wants kids so much that he accidentally let that slip out on our second date. He pets every dog we walk by and can’t seem to keep himself from contributing to every charity or Go Fund Me he sees. He listens to me and genuinely laughs at my stupid jokes. He texts me just to say hi or to tell me about his day, and then, get this, to ask how mine is going!

WISDOM UPGRADE #5 IMPACT STATEMENT: This guy understands, and accepts me, more than anyone ever has in my entire life, and so far, I haven’t gotten food poisoning or had any random injuries to my crotch region since meeting him. Bonus: I like grocery shopping now and am eating healthier than I ever have. Hello, adulting! Oh, and this guy’s name happens to be Steve—how ironic is that?

I believe I have made a solid case for learning from the past and not being afraid to keep making mistakes until I get it right.

Thank you, Universe, for reconsidering my application.

Holding my breath,

Ebony White

***

February 14, 2025

Appeal Response

Dear Ms. White,

We are in receipt of your appeal. It is evident that you have given your near-adult status a great deal of thought; self-awareness is one of the foundational tenets of reaching “Functioning Adult Status.”

While your appeal approach is indeed unorthodox, you have provided sound arguments that encouraged us to reconsider your status. I personally discussed your situation with my manager, who is quite busy as you can imagine. She and I are in complete agreement that your request has merit.

It is my pleasure to inform you that we have reconsidered your application and are granting you probationary “Functioning Adult Status.” Official approval is contingent upon submitting evidence of the following:

1)      Steve promises to never block your access to pork tacos.

2)      You develop a better understanding of irony. How can you not trust a man with two first names when your name is Ebony White?

Please submit your evidentiary documentation at your earliest convenience. Time is of the essence—Steve’s biological clock is ticking.

Warmly,

The Universe, Karma Police Division