Underwater

I am swimming underwater, the fish around me gaping and nibbling at me. I am here with my therapy group, the hope being that this group, this glimpse of magic, will transform us.

 The sun is warm, even under the water, and the water so clear. I kick me legs, trying to swim deeper. My black one-piece, which I thought would blend in, ends up standing out in this vibrant world. My hair, dyed a hot pink, actually sorta blends in more than I thought. It floats around me and fish swim in and out of it. The sensation is slightly odd, but it is so beautiful I cannot stop them from doing what they wish.

 A turtle floats past and I almost inhale water. I could not believe I was seeing this. This was unlike anything I'd ever encountered. I settle against one of the colorful reefs, trying to just soak in this scene; the fish swimming around peacefully, the seaweed and various other plants waving lazily. The shadows and twisting figures on the sand floor.

 But all too soon, the need for air pushes it's way front and center. I swim to the surface and the spell is broken. The air is warm, but not as warm as the water so it's a cold slap to the face. My hair, lovely and perfect in the depths, hangs in my face, knotted and stringy. My dark eyes scan the deep blue sky, searching for something as beautiful as down below. A boat floats off to my left, containing the rest of the group. They all got cold (unbelievable) and wanted to go aboard. Me and a girl named Sarah were the only two still out here. The others were all drinking sodas and talking.

 Remembering Sarah, I turn slowly in a circle, searching.

 "Sarah?" I call. "Sarah, where are you?"

 No answer. I am just about to scream for help when something grabs my ankles and I fall, splashing, down into the depths.

 I spew forth a million bubbles, but it turns out to just be Sarah, the brat. She grins at me underwater and I smile back. Her gorgeous green eyes are practically glowing down here, her soft black hair a cloud above her head. I lean forward, kissing her. Kissing underwater feels even more magical than in air.

We float away from one another, smiling. She looks amazing in her bright green bikini, her toned, golden body making me look twice. She's killer skinny, but better than she was.

I wave my hand upwards and we swim to the surface.

"Let's go explore," Sarah blurts out as soon as she can get a breath.

"Um, what about--"

Sarah interrupts me, waving her hand noncommittedly. "The group'll be fine. C'mon. Please?"

I bite my lip. "Fine. But if we get in trouble, I'm blaming it all on you."

We take deep breaths and dive below. The coral reefs are amazing, with arches and planes and hills. We swim beneath an arch, barely squeezing by. It seems as if everything is perfect . . .until my suit snags.

I fight down panic that threatens to rise up in my chest. It's a good thing I don't have anxiety, just depression.

Sarah turns back and bubbles stream from her mouth. I may not have anxiety, but she does.

She swims back over and tugs on me. I don't move. My hips are too wide. Sarah managed to slip through because she was anorexic and still skinny as a leaf. I'm filled out, all curvy and stuff.

It also feels as if my suit snagged on a piece of coral, too. I try to wiggle, but it doesn't work. I feel my heart begin to beat faster and faster and I work hard to force it back down. I can conserve air if I stay calm.

I point to the surface and make a shooing motion. Sarah's face has turned slightly blue from lack of oxygen and fear. She swims up as fast as she can, leaving me down here alone.

I try to work myself loose as I wait. Ten seconds pass. Then twenty. I can hold my breath up to a minute, if needed, thanks to my time on the swim team. But I will not last much longer.

Suddenly I pop free, spinning around and around. My breath releases from shock and water floods into my mouth.

I choke and gag, trying to close my mouth, but it's no good. I paddle as fast as I can toward the surface, but it's so far away. . . .

I begin to sink as I drown.

Suddenly a bright light is coming down toward me and blinds me. I am struck with a feeling of calm and my life slowly drifts past me.

Me, first learning how to ride a bike.

Me, getting my first period.

Me, being diagnosed with depression.

Me, slitting my wrists and I cry.

Me, in a hospital bed, my parents beside me sobbing.

Me, meeting Sarah for the first time. Kissing her for the first time. Helping her through the tough times. I feel so at peace I want to stay here forever.

But that's as far as I can get before the memories dissipate like smoke and I'm dragged back to life, shouting and crying deafening me.

I'm laying on the boat, faces swimming above me. Everything hurts, my head, my chest, my lungs. I long for the quiet peace again.

"Quinn! Quinn, can you here me?" Sarah is crying. That's not right. Sarah shouldn't be crying.

I cough and sputter, sitting up. Hands turn my onto my stomach as I heave.

"Oh, thank god, you're all right," our group leader says, tears in her eyes. Or maybe my eyes are just watery and I'm imagining her crying. I've never seen Penny cry.

"What happened?" I asked groggily.

"Sarah came up and started screaming for help," Penny says, looking at my girlfriend. She comes over and wraps me in a big hug, saying nothing.

"We followed her down there and then saw you, sinking through the water, unconscious. We thought you were dead, but luckily Hale here knows CPR. He revived you. You were dead, honey." Penny wrings her hands, biting her lip. "We're on our way back to the shore now."

I cough and nod, resting my chin on Sarah's soggy hair. "Thank you for getting help."

"I'm so sorry!" Sarah blubbers, shoulders shaking. "I never should've left you!"

"I would've died permanently if you hadn't," I pointed out. "You saved my life by not arguing."

She is quiet and we stay that way for the rest of the boat ride back. Penny's intentions were to transform us, to make us see the world and a different light. I don't know if she meant for it to be done this way, but it's certainly worked. I feel lighter, like the world's not pressing so heavily down on my shoulders anymore.

I died and came back. If that's not transformation, I don't know what is.