‘The Spice Girls’ A Short-Lived Wellness Cult

I’m what they might call a cult leader, though I prefer the term guru. Cults just sound so ominous. It’s honestly the best job I’ve ever had. I make my own hours and have my own fashion line. Granted, only members purchase my clothes, but those crimson sheath dresses with the hoods look fantastic on them. Especially since we now all have long black hair, oh, and our colorist gave us a discount since she’s a member too. My hair is, of course, natural, and I’m always complimented on its glossy shine. I charge it in the moonlight. It’s no surprise that all of my friends are so eager to have hair like mine. They even copied my hairstyle- long with straight across bangs that fell just over my green eyes- yes, I know they’re contacts, but they don’t. Some people might hate it when others copy them, but not me- I think it’s a compliment. I really do have the best style and taste.

What else?? Oh, I have so many friends and they’re always so supportive of my ideas. Like a year ago, during our weekly purification meeting, I suggested, what if we sold wellness shakes made of oat milk and saffron? My friends all agreed this was a fantastic idea and volunteered to sell them at local farmers’ markets. We agreed on a quota per day and an incentive- selling 50 bottles would mean you get dinner, 100 bottles means you get to sleep inside the compound- but anything less than that and you’d have to sleep outside and skip dinner. It turns out this was a great incentive. We’ve sold so many! I’ve never actually been to our stall, but Sage has reassured me that it’s doing remarkably well and that my aura might be too much for their ordinary customer base.

Our shakes are doing so well that this documentary crew contacted us. They’re doing a story on female entrepreneurs- I think they’re affiliated with HB… something. Anyhow, this is beyond my wildest dreams. Me? An entrepreneur?? If only my teachers could see me now! I’m no longer the girl with slight “psychopathic tendencies and narcissistic traits” as my school counselor, Giselle, posited. But I’m so much more than that!

In high school, I was that girl everyone liked and would make way for me whenever I walked past. My teachers all had this twitch- which I thought was strange. Was this some sort of collective hysteria situation? When I graduated, I heard there was a huge celebration. I guess they were excited for me.

During my first call with the documentary producers, they wanted to review our backstory and see which members might have the best insight into our collective’s success- our herstory they called it- too funny!

Which members would best represent us? Definitely not Thyme… she’s recovering from some karmic retribution... poor girl, but she’d be out in about 2 months. Sage- would be perfect, she was the embodiment of purity and piety. Everyone liked her, and she even brought 5 new members to join our collective- although 3 of them left because of some sort of family emergency.

I knew the producers were excited when they asked if I minded their legal advisor joining the call. They really thought I was that impressive that a lawyer was needed in case I sued them. They mentioned something about possible defamation- but I’m not famous so I wasn’t entirely sure how I could be defamed before being famed, you know? As we spoke, I told them that soon we’re going to expand our product line to sell chrysanthemum water, renowned for its healing powers, while I can’t find any literature on it, I’m pretty sure I had a dream about it- and my dreams tend to predict reality. They laughed, and I had to remind them that I wasn’t joking- my dreams should be taken seriously. Like last Tuesday, Thyme’s leg shattered when she fell down the stairs, after ignoring my consistent warnings to wear the protective colors- the house is cursed, you see, and I’m usually right- so unfortunate. My friends are always telling me that my temper keeps getting the best of me. I’m open to feedback, and I always listen, but when you’re wrong, you’re wrong. Thyme’s incident the other day does prove this point, I guess. She’s currently in the purification rooms, recovering.

There was some silence from the producers that went on for an uncomfortably long time. Did the line get disconnected?? Apparently, not- since the producer cleared his throat in that annoying way people do when they’re trying to change the subject. He told me that our collective was exactly the sort of group he was hoping to feature, and he asked how soon they’d be able to schedule their first visit. Men were generally not allowed in the house, so I told him he’d need to wait two weeks while we performed an equalizing ritual on the grounds- involving some fire and a unique blend of cleansing spices, and that some spaces would be off limits to them, though if any female members of their crew were interested in joining the collective we’d be open to discussion. The outsiders would also need to do a 2-week cleanse so that they would be able to enter without the spirits becoming angry- there’s no more space in the purification room- so we can’t have that.. They would also need to wear crimson. After a long pause, he agreed. I’ve worked so hard for this moment! After all these years of hard work, I’ll finally be recognized!

This is an excerpt from Coriander’s Letters to her Mother. Note: Coriander’s mother would like to add that she never received these letters from her daughter, Amanda, and if she had, she would have reported her daughter to the authorities. Amanda is currently serving a 14-year sentence on account of some murder charges. She has since tried to sue for defamation, finally understanding what this means.