Growth

May 18, 2017

I can't believe I'm doing this. I haven't kept a diary since I was in middle school. But Doc recommended it, and every good nurse listens to her doctor, I guess. So...

I'm seeing a therapist because my relationship just went south. My girlfriend and I split on good terms, but I'd be a psychopath if I was fine, wouldn't I? Anyway, Doc said I should write my thoughts and feelings rather than bottling them or drinking them, and if an apple a day can keep the doctor away, then surely this journal can do something helpful.

But I feel silly. I guess I have this vision of adult life making sense and adults not needing to write down their thoughts and feelings to process them anymore. But here I am, an almost-thirty-year-old woman, recently split from the woman I thought I was going to marry.

And I'm only just figuring out that I have some pretty serious anger issues. Gotta work on that.

June 6, 2017

Hey diary. You know me, still chafing at this exercise, but I feel a lot better about it now—what? Three weeks and maybe six entries in? Flipping back through these pages my life looks so boring. I hope if anybody ever breaks into my apartment they'll read this and leave me cash because they're so sorry for my sad, empty life and my slow, crummy wi-fi. Ugh, I can't believe I'm paying for premium service but all I get is dial-up speeds. The tech just looked at my set-up and said everything was fine, I just needed to keep fewer tabs open. But I need all of those tabs for work and email...and social media. But, really, how is eight tabs too many?

June 27, 2017

Dear Diary,

I had a blast from the past today. I saw a girl leaving the lobby of my apartment building just as I was getting home from the hospital, and she looked really familiar. Like, really familiar, but I can't place where I know her from? Now that I think about it, I've definitely seen her around here several times, like when I was checking my mail or doing laundry, but I don't think she lives here. Maybe she's a tech that the Internet provider sent to check out the wi-fi problem? It can't be just me, there's no way. I hope they get this fixed soon. 

June 30, 2017

Oh dear God, it's all coming back to me. I do know the girl from the lobby, except I didn't know she was a girl when I knew her before. I found her on social media earlier today by accident when I went to respond to the high school reunion event. (She's RSVP'd as a maybe. I wish I could get away with that.)

Anyway, her name is Sarah now, and I was such a jerk to her in high school. I really hate who I used to be, and I really owe her an apology. But will she ever forgive me? I wouldn't forgive me...

July 7, 2017

I don't know how I managed it, but I did it! I caught Sarah before she was leaving the building and said my piece, told her how sorry I am for being such an awful person to her in high school. She didn't seem like she believed me at first, but I offered to take her out for an apology dinner and she said yes, so I think she's at least going to give me a chance. It's a huge relief, honestly. But of course my brain is being incredibly unhelpful now. It just keeps latching onto how I asked a cute girl to dinner and she said yes. NEWSFLASH, BRAIN OF KAREN! THIS IS NOT A DATE!

July 23, 2017

Shit. That felt like a date. 

It probably doesn't help that we've actually gone out, like, three times now? And about twenty minutes ago she asked if I wanted to go see the new Sandy B. movie with her. And of course I said yes, it's Sandy B! But what do I do? Should I dress up? Should I get her flowers? Wait, no. That's going way overboard. I used to bully her in high school, for Christ's sake! It's not going to happen here. Get your head out of the clouds, Karen!

July 26, 2017

Sarah, turns out, is actually an IT genius. We went and saw our movie and went to grab a bite to eat after that. While we were waiting for food it somehow came up that my wi-fi is awful and the internet provider won't do anything about it. She offered to come take a look at it, poked around on my modem and then let herself into the server room and now my wi-fi is as fast as it was the day they installed everything! I am so happy right now, I could cry! And it has everything to do with the pretty girl sitting on the other end of my couch turning red while she thinks I don't see her looking at me over her phone. When did she get to be so cute?

Crap.

I’m a bad liar. It’s no wonder the kids always call me out on it when I say the shot won’t hurt.

August 9, 2017

SOS. I'm going down. This is not a drill. Somebody help me because this wasn't supposed to happen...

I think I'm gonna tell her tonight. It's gonna be great. Wish me luck!

August 9, 2017, cont.

Well, I hate my life. 

My wi-fi was so bad in the first place because Sarah was playing a prank on me. Or maybe getting revenge? I can't really blame her for it, but I'm still upset! There was a lot of research I didn't actually get to do. For taking care of the kids I work with. As a nurse! And I wasn't able to help them as much because of my slow internet. I'd be lying if I said my feelings aren't hurt. At least as much for me as for the kids. I mean, I can't be mad at her for this. I was cruel before. But I thought she liked me. And she left that little raspberry pi going in the server room for a couple of months after we started hanging out. What does that mean for us?

August 13, 2017

Now that we've both had some time to think and separate facts from emotions, Sarah and I have decided that we're grown up enough that we can stay friends. I'm still a little hurt, and I'm probably going to stay that way for a while, but it's nothing compared to what I put her through in high school...

Crud. My therapist is right. I need to forgive myself for this. It's kind of eating me alive.

August 31, 2017

Dear Diary,

I still like Sarah and it's not fair. Why can't my heart ever get with the program and not stay stuck on somebody I need to not be trying to start a relationship with? I mean, is it really this hard? It seriously can't be. Can it? 

And the worst part is, I'm too scared to ask if she feels the same. I don't know if she did before this whole thing blew up in our faces, so I super don't know how she feels about it now. 

If there is a god, I must be on his or her bad side. I certainly deserve to be.

August 18, 2018

Oh, wow. I just found this diary under the couch when I was doing my last round of throwing stuff in a box before I’ll start throwing things in the trash. It's amazing, the things you find when you're moving! So much is different, now...

Sarah did like me.

Actually, I'm moving in with her next week, because it's turned out she's had a house this whole time, and that's why she didn't want to move in here with me when I asked her three months ago. We've actually been dating for about nine months, now, and I've never been happier. I don't even know where to start with catching up, and I certainly don't have time to do a lot of it. She's gonna be here soon and if I've still got this much trash everywhere she's going to give me that look™. Which isn't a bad thing, per say. I love all the looks she gives me.

But I should get this place cleaned up, because I deserve to get it done early and not have to worry about it next week when we're doing the heavy lifting. 

I'm really excited, diary. This is going to be amazing! 

It's way too early to do anything about it yet, but I've caught myself looking at rings a couple of times. Gee, won't that be a story when people ask how we met.

Woof.

That's gonna hurt... But I'll make it through telling the truth. So long as I have Sarah by my side, I can do anything.