Unusual Roommates

Lula-Belle's shrieking would be enough to wake the dead. Her fuzzy largeness stretched out across my chest, she yowls her displeasure, sharp teeth a mere 2 inches from my face. Lurching upright, I dump her into my lap as I try to placate the beast. "Lula, sweetie, don't be like that! It's too early to be howling like a banshee," I plead, to no avail. Lula-Belle has never been known for her patience.

   Creaking and groaning, I pull myself out of bed and begin the daily search for my bedroom slippers. They've had a mind of their own ever since Lenore got pissy last year. Not that it was my fault, she'd never bothered to inform me she was allergic to chocolate. I would've made my cupcakes chocolate every time if I'd known.

   Finally capturing the fuzzy bastards cowering behind the bedside table, I sigh with exasperation. Lulu's yowling hasn't let up yet, and I haven't had so much as a sip of tea. Lenore is sure to begin her griping in a few minutes, so I'll just leave my hearing aids alone for the time being. No point wasting the batteries on the same old conversation we have every goddamn morning. Not that I could manage to find them anyhow. I would say my memory isn't what it used to be, but that would be a lie. I've always had a horrible time keeping track of things.

   Stepping into the hall, I feel a chill in the air. It's only as I make it to the kitchen that the strangeness of the morning really strikes me. Lula-Belle's unhappy shrieks forgotten, I rush to the window only to discover my worst nightmares realized. A summer frost had blown in overnight, and my garden was decimated. More than an inch of snow on everything ensured that nothing survived.

   "Lenore!" Shaking in fury, I storm through the house. "Lenore, blast you! What have you done this time!"

   The door to Lenore's room is flung open before I have a chance to begin my pounding, and the smug look on her stupid, fat face confirms what I was afraid of.

   "Why, Carrie, I have no idea what you're on about. I was about to come ask what on earth you've done to that poor cat of yours, though. She's carrying on as though you've killed her," her eyebrows bounce merrily, as though a couple of young goats were having a frolic on her forehead.

   "You're far too cheery this morning!" Fuming, I manage to sputter out "This is your doing! My poor tomatoes, they're certainly gone for! And my begonias! And what about my beets, my cucumbers? How could you?"

   Lula-Belle winds her way around my legs and begins hissing and yowling at Lenore in the most accusing manner a cat has ever managed. While she is most likely angry at the interruption in my routine of feeding her, I feel a bit better for having her on my side.

   "Oh, the how was quite easy, a simple little ritual and everything was set. I didn't even need to borrow Mr. Duncan's shovel this time!"

   "This time? What do you mean, this time, what were you up to the last time?"

   I head to the kitchen to placate Lula with a breakfast offering, Lenore hot on my heels.

   "You were in a trance for 3 days, I panicked, ok?"

   "That happens fairly regularly, you don't have to freak out every time!" My indignation mounting, I slammed the teapot into the sink. "Why do you have to be so difficult? Is it too much to ask that you act like a reasonable human being?"

   "We're witches, of course it's too much to ask! Why on earth would I want to act like a normal person?"

   "Oh, I don't know, maybe because the neighbors might notice! Have you ever thought of that when you go off the handle and start bewitching people left and right? You're not even a good liar, all it would take would be one person asking what could possibly have caused this calamity and the cat's out of the bag!"

   "We just got done discussing your fairly regular trances that last for days on end, but I'm the one who's gonna tip off the neighbors? Please, be realistic, they've probably known for years!"

   "And what about my tomatoes! What am I supposed to do now?" I get the pot on and start readying the mugs, ignoring Lenore's point about the neighbors. "It's too late in the year to plant more! No more fried green tomatoes, no more pickles, no more spaghetti sauce! I spent all that money putting the garden in and you've wasted everything!"

   "Good, maybe you'll learn your lesson!"

   "I can't stop her from screaming her demands in the mornings, you wretched woman! Lula-Belle was pampered by her last owner, and I refuse to bewitch her!"

   "Then let me do it! This is becoming ridiculous, you could at least reset her internal clock so she wakes the neighborhood up at a reasonable time of day! 9 am, for example!"

   "9 am is a reasonable time of day for owls to be waking up! You, Lenore, are NOT an owl!"

   "Are you daft, Carrie, owls are NOCTURNAL! They don't even go to bed until after your dratted cat wakes US up!"

   A new voice interjects unexpectedly. "If it bothered you that much, you should have talked to me instead of Carrie."

   We turn in amazement to stare at Lula-Belle, who, having satisfied her hunger, was very calmly cleaning her whiskers.

   "Carrie, since when does Lula talk?"

   "This is the first I've heard of it," I gasp like a fish who is very slowly suffocating.

   "Oh, come now," Lula purred, "you didn't really think a Grand Witch like Katarina would've had a normal pet?"

   "Well, I suppose that makes as much sense as anything else." I mutter, "But, Lula, why did you let us argue over it all this time without saying anything?"

   "I may be a familiar," Lula replied, "but I love a bit of chaos more than anything. Even tuna isn't nearly as satisfying as the drama you two create."