HOT PLANET HOT PROPEERTY

Submitted into Contest #262 in response to: Set your story during the hottest day of the year.... view prompt

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Funny Fiction

Frances.goulart@gmail.com

HOT PLANET, HOT PROPERTY

“Hey, come on in, pal!  You look soggy.”

“No surprise.  This is the hottest day of the summer of this year, or last year or the year before. Check your thermometer! “

“It’s maybe the hottest summer day ever, I’m hearing. But not in here.”

I know every August is steamy but this one is different. I swear, I’ve been sweating from my armpits and eyebrows for two days now. It's climate change... That’s gotta be it. “

“Yeah maybe, maybe not.  But whatever it is out there. It’s going to be good in here, good for us depending on how we play our cards, Am I right? Wrap your fist around this icy lemonade and let’s get back to business. Glad you came back.”

I hear you. But did you know the  global temperature in June was a record high for the 13th straight month. It marked the 12th straight month that the world was 1.5 degrees Celsius (2.7 degrees Fahrenheit) warmer than pre-industrial times! Think about that! Makes you want to invest in igloos.”

“Hey these things move in cycles don’t they? Maybe next year will be the coldest summer ever.”

“I wish I had your optimism.”

 “Well, I got a few things to boost your optimism, let’s pick up where we left off yesterday. Did you still want to consider that   boardwalk property you were looking at? Some people still want to live near the water, even with the flood risk caused by the climate. You know ocean breezes, toes in the water, all that.  And what if next year is hotter than this? Even more people will want to be looking out at the ocean, sitting on their verandas sipping mojitos.”

“Possible but ... that area might be too pricy for some folks. Especially families with kids. Don’t you think more central Midwestern locations would be a better buy? I’m thinking of that Indiana Avenue holding you mentioned last week. “

“Yeah, I get your point but it gets pretty hot there too on summer days like this. And there’s no ocean. And then there are climate- related problems like wildfires and droughts and tornadoes. Not that you should let that scare you off. What did Mark Twain say about the weather, if you don’t like it, just wait a few minutes?”

“True and it’s cheaper.  I mean more affordable. For both me and them.”

“That is a selling point. Your property dollar goes farther in the Midwest even with the climate crisis fears.”

“Hey, have you thought about utilities? Like electric companies. They are critical in every kind of weather; they are reliable. And they look better now that they are getting into solar energy. Even though these companies have outages, they come back every time, don’t they?”

 “Hmm, I hadn’t considered that. “

“Can I get you more ice cubes? I'm going to turn up the AC. Speaking of utilities reminds me. What about railroads. “Railroads are not always profitable, But they are reliable and critical for commuters and businesses especially the climate conscious ones, trying to drive less these days.” Nasdaq says the global railroad market is expected to grow at a 5.6% compound annual growth rate from 2023 to 2030.”

Hmm, that’s intriguing.”\

“Especially if you invest in more than one. That would make you king of the hill.”

“Or even properties near a railroad. You know, Could you part with Oriental Avenue?”

“Good thought. It’s modestly priced and to sweeten the deal it’s near the venerable old Reading Railroad. You never know. Look what happened to Brooklyn. Once upon a time it was all middle class mom and pop neighborhoods, and now…”

“Now you need a real nest egg to buy a modest apartment there.  That could happen to Oriental Avenue, you’re suggesting?”

“Or, go south, young man. You could save a bundle on the property and taxes, on a southern asset, like Kentucky Avenue. Have you heard about their first- time home owner’s tax credit plan? That means cost of living is lower. Buyers save enough money to have central  air! Great for retirees who are out of the job market, you could clean up there.”

“I bet you could fry eggs on the sidewalk down there right now. I hear temperatures are steadily rising there along with the number of rainy days.”

Yep, but if you owned that stretch you could  put up a hotel for what a house would cost you almost anywhere else. And summers being hat they are, throw in some solar paneling.”

 “You got something there, not to mention they have the bluegrass, barbecue ad horseracing. I’ll give it some thought“

“Hold the phone. Here’s another thought. Doesn’t everyone want to live in Manhattan?  New York York Avenue is in my portfolio and is not quite as snooty as Park Place but it’s got lots of all-day traffic, close to the metropolitan area and an opportunity for putting up apartments and high end hotels if you have the front money.

“And I hate to say the” B” word because you haven’t committed to any properties yet but bankruptcy! … If it should happen, it isn't the end of the world. Not the way I do business anyway. Say you buy yourself that nice seaside or bucolic Midwestern property and things go south, If there  are wildfires in California or a big hurricane in Florida or floods in Vermont  you can always  back off  and mortgage the property. With me, being flexible, whatever the temperature outside, that's part of doing business. Real estate, even in hot hot hot times like these still looks better than most investments,”

 “Good to know. Mind  you, I am not averse to risk, –but I wonder is  there anywhere I can buy a block or two that is safe from climate-related disaster? Is that asking too much?" You’re my agent here. It’s in your hands. In your hot hands.”

"Not at all. You are talking the northeast.  According to Pro Publica, New England has the best counties in the US where the extreme heat and humidity are concerned.  , I have something not far from the railroads, no serious threat of wildfires or droughts, and good for families. Have you considered the bucolic Midwest?  Folks who love cows and green grass and dirt roads. Pennsylvania Avenue is for sale. Put some houses there and you’ll get retirees who want to grow green beans and raise goats. Or think they do! Perfect for single family homes or duplex arrangements or homey hotels . I have seen this investment work, my friend.”

“Purchase a few of these and you will be paying for a comfortable retirement, whatever the weather. They are what you might call great get out of jail free cards. Think about that while I refresh your drink.”

“Hmmm. The forecast is for another 90 plus day tomorrow.  Can you believe it? Did you know there have been twice as many 90 degree days here this year as last year?”

“I’m back. What I like about out negotiations is that you work with real cash, so I know you are serious.   Very old fashioned. I love to see the hundreds and fifties and twenties piled up on the table like this!   Like you mean business!

“Yes, I come prepared to wheel and deal.  Well, like you say, Real estate is hot even if the world is on fire!”

 “One hundred per cent.  I love Monopoly. Sure beats Scrabble, I’ll clean up. You can be banker next time! ”

                                                            *****

August 07, 2024 13:34

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