A Musical Life

Rebecca watched her brother walk to the front of the stage with his violin and take a bow. He seemed completely at ease in the situation but Rebecca knew that once it was her turn to perform, she would most likely be terrified. Rebecca her mother said looking at her. “Why aren’t you clapping?” “Rebecca” robotically did. Her mind was far away. After the recital, they all went out to eat. This was Rebecca’s favorite part of the recital: the food afterwards. You did great honey Rebecca’s mom said beaming at her son. “Thanks mom. Too bad Clara couldn’t come.” “Oh you know her. She wanted to practice in complete silence.” “And yet she performs so well.” “She does” their mom admitted. “What did you think of tonight?” Antonio asked Rebecca. She didn’t reply though. “Bec?” Antonio repeated. “What?” Rebecca asked looking up. Antonio smiled. “Did you enjoy tonight?” “Yah. You played great as always. “Thanks. What’s bothering you?” Rebecca sighed. Sometimes she hated her brother’s straightforwardness. “I’m just scared” she mumbled. “Scared? About what?” “Performing.” Antonio laughed. “You just started Becca. You don’t have to perform yet. “Yes, but you performed not long after you started.” “Yes but…everyone’s different.” No, I’m different Rebecca thought sadly. “Don’t worry about it dear” Rebecca’s mom said putting a hand on her shoulder. “When the time comes I’m sure you’ll play magnificently.” Rebecca sighed. “I sure hope so.”

The next morning, Rebecca tried to focus on the book she was reading but it was hard. She looked up to see her sister practicing in the other room. It was relatively quiet and the sun was shining in. It was a perfect time to play according to her sister. Putting her book down, Rebecca got up and went over to watch her sister. What do you want? She asked not missing a beat. Nothing. Then why are you standing behind me? I just want to watch. Shouldn’t you be practicing your violin? Yes but-“Rebecca” her mother said coming from the kitchen. Let your sister practice. Rebecca sighed. “Okay.” “Don’t you want to practice your viola?” Her mom asked. “Not really” Rebecca said picking her book back up. “Alright” her mom said disappearing into the kitchen. Rebecca sighed again. Their mother never made them practice but sometimes Rebecca wished she would. She might be more motivated that way. Just then, Antonio walked and looked at the book Rebecca was reading. “It’s not even about music he said with a laugh.” “I don’t want it to be” Rebecca snapped. “I get enough music in my life as it is.” “Okay calm down” Antonio said giving the truce motion. “I was just joking.” “I know it’s just…never mind.” Antonio shrugged. “Whatever you say” he said before walking away. Rebecca tried to read more it was hard. Finally giving up, she went up to her room. There lying on her bed was her viola, just waiting where she had left it for the book instead. Rebecca reluctantly picked it up and started her scales. Her mom came by a minute later. “Here” she said closing the door. “I’ll close this so you can concentrate more.” “No!” Rebecca wanted to yell as the door shut. She hated this isolation feeling, the feeling of being cut off from the rest of the world. Maybe she could wait until the piano stopped then she could keep her door open. Then again, the sooner she started, the sooner she was done. Deciding the later would be better; Rebecca took a deep breath and began her scales again.

“Do I have to go?” Rebecca asked. “Well of course” her mom said looking surprised. “It’s your sister’s recital.” “But she’ll have plenty more” Rebecca protested. “Besides, Antonio isn’t coming.” “That’s because he’s recording.” “I don’t want to go” Rebecca whined. “Well too bad. We’re going to support your sister. She would do the same for you.” “I hope not” Rebecca muttered. “What?” “Never mind”…It wasn’t so much the recitals Rebecca hated, it was the receptions afterwards. There were always people there who would ask Rebecca how the viola was going and when they would get to hear her. Rebecca never knew what to say. Hopefully they would never hear her. Despite her best efforts to hide out, Rebecca was indeed confronted and tried her best to brush the inquiries. Finally it was time to go though. “How was today?” Rebecca’s mom asked on the drive home. “Fine but-As Clara went through the small/nitpicky list of everything she did wrong, Rebecca blocked her out. She was done listening to anything music related for the day. Besides, Clara was too negative and Rebecca certainly didn’t need that in her life. She was already too hard on herself.

Rebecca held onto her viola in a death grip. She was terrified. Today was the day: Her first performance. She was wearing a black sparkly dress and a head band to match but she didn’t feel any better. In fact, the all black attire made her feel worse. “Are you ready?” Her mom asked walking by. Rebecca didn’t reply. “Becca?” Rebecca sat down on her bed. “Bec?” Her mom asked worriedly. “I can’t do this” Rebecca said starting to cry. “Oh honey” her mom said siting down next to her. “I know your nervous but-“I feel sick” Rebecca said. “I hate this!” Hearing her cries, Antonio and Clara popped into the room. “Everything okay?” Antonio asked. “We’re going to be late” Clara pointed out. “Just a minute” their mom said. “Rebecca’s not feeling well.” Antonio smiled. “I remember my first performance. I-“Antonio his mom said sternly. Becca doesn’t’ need to hear that story now.” “Okay” Antonio said still smiling. “You’ll be okay” Clara said sitting down next to her little sister. “It gets better each time.” Rebecca shook her head. “You don’t understand. I don’t want it to.” “What?” Her mom asked confused. “I don’t want to play the viola!” “You don’t?” “No! I hate it!” “Oh Bec. Why didn’t you tell me?” “Because! I have to play it in school.” “Yes, but you don’t have to perform with it if you don’t want to.” “Really?” “No of course not. Why would you think you did?” “Because. You’re both so talented” Rebecca said looking at her siblings. “And you” she said to her mom. “You’re a great singer!” Her mom chuckled. “I was in my day anyways.” “You named us all after someone we should look up too” Rebecca pointed out. “Even you were named after Karen…Karen…” “Carpenter” her mom supplied. “Yes. But I can’t do that. I don’t want to like my namesake. I just want to be me. I don’t want to disappoint you though.” “Oh Becca” her mom said hugging her. “You could never disappoint me.” “Or me” Antonio said. “Or me” Clara agreed. “See? There’s nothing to worry about” Rebecca’s mom said. “Are you sure?” “We’re sure. We just want you to be happy Becca. That’s all.” “Thanks mom” Rebecca said hugging her. “Group hug” Antonio declared moving over to the bed and the four of them happily hugged it out.

“What are you going to do now that you’re not playing the viola professionally?” Rebecca’s friend asked at school the next day. “I don’t know. I feel so free now. I still love music though, so maybe I’ll be a composer. That way I only have to play for myself.” “Rebecca Clarke was also a composer” Rebecca’s friend offered. “That’s right she was! I almost forgot!” “Yes she…” As Rebecca’s friend told her more about Miss West, Rebecca couldn’t help but smile. Maybe she would follow in her namesake’s footsteps after all.