Leap of faith

Leap of faith

made by Cat Madsen

As I walked down the busy road near my old school, I could feel the cold wind on my forehead, in the distance, was the school that was once filled with laughter and cheer, now it was filled with empty promises to be near your friends and teachers. To be near those who hold your dear, to those who you hold dear. many thoughts kept running in my mind as I made my way past the old school grounds and down the road. As I got closer to my destination it was like something in me pulled me to turn around and walk the other way, I stopped and looked up at the blue sky that showed its face for once since this tragic sickness took away everyone's happiness, as I took a deep breath something in my heart pulled me to wipe the tear from my face, it was hard to be here outside the big gates, I remember the words you said to me. The words were tattooed in my mind as well as the last memories of your face. It hurts every time I stand in front of these gates but I have to do this, I have to see the place once again. Sometimes I would wonder if you were looking down upon me if you would be disappointed or proud. A small smile crepes it's way onto my face as I take one last deep breath and walk closer towards the gates, as my hand comes in contact with the cold metal, a shiver runs down my back. Maybe I should turn around and walk away, or maybe I should just wait a few more moments before opening the gates, NO... I keep telling myself as I pull the gate open. small steps towards, silence are all around me as I walk slowly over the gravel. with each step I take my heart would fall deeper, my breath would get harder, my eyes would get wetter. This was wrong, I should turn and walk away just like I did every time. My feet keep moving without my consent, as I take deeper and deeper breaths to calm my painful heart. The Closer I get the more it hurts, as I finally make it there, I take one last deep breath and look at the stone in front of me. part of me was happy that you are not here to witness this awful time, but a part of me is hurting every day because I can't see you anymore. Your words still keep playing in my head like a broken record, your sweet and caring voice, telling me I can do it. Sometimes I wonder if I can do it, or if I should just give up. But deep down I know you have never wanted me to give up, you would have loved to read and see me take a leap of faith. So that's what I’m doing now, I hope you are proud of me, and that you can look down upon me and see that I’m finally taking a leap of faith just like you wanted me to. Your name is writing beautifully on the stone, just above the love of your life’s name, thinking about you and him makes me smile. I wish I could have the same thing just like you two did. A cold wind blows slowly making me pull my jacket closer around me, why did I have to come here on such a cold day. Then I remember the note I put in my pocket just before leaving the house, as I pulled it out a small ring fell to the ground. At first, I just looked at it, Why was this in my pocket and who put it there, questions kept appearing in my mind as I looked at the ring so small in this big world. All alone in this big world, part of me felt bad for it, because it was abandoned just like how I feel. 

As I slowly picked it up, the memories of the bond that once was shared with this brought tears to my eyes. Many people passed this place each day, and somehow people never took the chance to think that one day they would be a part of it. Not like you did, you knew you would be here before me, a rustle in a nearby bush brought me out of my thoughts once again, just like the cold wind, it made me pull my jacket closer. out of the bush came a white cat, from the small bag that I forgot I brought with me, I pulled a small plate and some tuna. Maybe the little one was hungry, It was smaller than the rest that once lived here, the others were missing but this one stayed. As I put the plate on the ground I called its name, its given name, Moon. Some people may think I'm crazy for naming a wild cat, but something about it told me that I felt familiar somehow. I remember the day it showed up out of the blue, it was just 2 days after, I had come back to see you. It came out all alone, and a few days later more of them showed up, and at the same time more of my fears showed up. But as slowly as my fears disappeared so did the cats, some may say that I had lost my mind that day, but I just could not shake off the feeling that they were put down here as my guides to a better life. As I got up from the ground, I took a short look at my phone, it was time for me to go back before it became too late. I bid my farewell to Moon and walked towards the gate once again, but this time it was easier, once I was through the gate I turned and looked behind me, with the biggest smile on my lips. I nodded to no one more to reassure myself that it was time, as I turned on my heel to walk the long way home, the wind once again blew past me, making me shiver. No matter how many tears I would cry for you, no matter how many stories I would write for you, I could put into words how much you mean to me and how much I miss you every day. It felt like hours before I even made it past the old school once again, the old school was filled with memories of you and me. Memories that no one could ever take away from me, all the tears I cried out of happiness, sadness, or anger. You would always be there to tell me to have faith, or the first time I would show you my stories, you would smile and tell me how much I have grown. Now I got no one to hear my stories, no one to share my memories with, no one to share my tears with. You were there for me when no one else was, everytime I would doubt myself you would say the same thing: Take a leap of faith, so here I am taking my Leap of faith. Here I am from far away, or close to home wishing to see you one more time, wishing to hear your voice one more time. I know deep down you would be proud of me, I finally did it. For once I can say it I finally did my New Year's resolution, the one I have had for years since I was a little girl, I hope you are looking down upon me, I hope you are smiling and saying the one sentence that I tell myself every time. Take a LEAP OF FAITH.

Love 

Cat your lovely granddaughter.