Incessant Pride

Pride. Have you noticed that pride can actually burn people deep desires? From time to time when we admire someone, you’re clearly sure that you wanted him or you wanted her but the pride in your body swallowed your divulgence towards them. You feared that once you revealed your feelings, they will vanish away from you and you don’t want to get flushed from the bashful moment that you’ll never obliterate in your life.

That’s what they contemplated every time they gazed at each other’s eyes. Who knows how long will they endured their own sufferings like this? Perhaps only angels know. Autumn swallows her prestige lump in her throat, staring up to the fawn eyes she admired a lot since juvenescence. Those condemn fawn eyes always will be the death of me,Autumn thoughts.

Ainsley cleared his throat awkwardly in this particularly gauche moment. “I’m going to take Amber until tonight,” Ainsley informed, picking up his 2 year olds daughter to his tattooed arms. Autumn stared away from her ex husband and nodded, walking to the door with them. 

“Take care of her please” Autumn said. Her ex partner only nodded and delicately took his daughter to his car. Autumn shut the door quietly before going to the library of her house, trying to distract herself toward the book but her thoughts were overflowing by him. She messed up her chestnut hair and shook her head in disbelief. No, I would never. She mused to herself that it would be preposterous to loved her ex husband again. Only about a year ago they decided to separate, there’s no way she adored him again. Autumn thought that perhaps she had been too lonely these past few months so her thoughts began to desire for someone else already. It wasn’t a smooth path for her to take care of Amber all by herself everyday especially when she’s struggling on her new job too. Nevertheless, now she didn’t want to drown herself on any overthinking thoughts again peculiarly about adoring her ex husband again. She should recollect her mind that Ainsley didn’t care about her, not even once.

“You should talk to her,” His mother soothing voice convinced, Amber on her arms while playing to her tiny teddy bear. Ainsley took a deep long sighed and shrugged, looking on his socks feet. “I don’t know ma. It’s not that simple,” Ainsley replied. Now it’s his mother turned to sighed on her son’s stubbornness. “Don’t you regret about this. It’s your only chance. I can see it from your both eyes the last time you two met on Amber’s birthday party. You two still yearning for each other” 

Ainsley’s befog thoughts were feuding in his mind. In his dusky mind, he didn’t want to admit that he actually still cared about Autumn. Thus in his fulgent mind, he admitted that he still adored Autumn. Ainsley just thought it would be peculiar to get back to his previous wife. He reminisced the last time he bickered with Autumn before they got divorced, he declared to Autumn that he regretted on marrying her. That’s when Autumn decided to leave him. Nevertheless, they never talked to each other pleasingly or even elucidated their inner feelings toward each other. 

“Don’t let your stubbornness thoughts overshadowing your mind, Ains. That’s my last warning” His mother reminded him.

Autumn put her book on the shelf while waiting for her daughter to come home before someone rang the bell of the cottage house. Autumn arranged her silk robe as she opened the door to see Amber dozed on her father’s arms sedately. Autumn quietly lead them to the baby pink room as Ainsley gently put Amber on the crib. Autumn didn’t notice on how much long she stared at her secret paramour until Ainsley gazed at her with arduous glances. If only Van Gogh was still alive, he could paint their stubborn thoughts into a chaotic yet marvelous artifice art we would all ever seen in our life. 

After some quarrel minds, Ainsley decided to have himself a blather with Autumn, perhaps it was the best way to shattered their gawky glances. “Can we talk?” Ainsley asked. Autumn wasn’t supposed to be this astonished since it’s only her ex husband, the man she used to loved fondly, the first man that took her heart and the last man who broke her heart dearly. But it felt like it was an eternity time ago ever since they had a pleasant conversation. 

“With pleasure,”

The smells of woods and vanillas reminded him of home. Whilst the fire on the inglenook engaged both of them from their conversation. The two of them hadn’t spoke any words at all. The room was filled of strings between stubborn minds and craving hearts. Ainsley didn’t know where to start their conversation, he wanted to tell her that he probably still cared for her, he even wondered if she felt the same.  

“I—”

Ainsley swallowed his words back to his mind whilst Autumn only stared at him, waiting for the proper words coming out from his mouth. Ainsley closed his eyes shut, he didn’t know why he acted like this. It’s like his mouth prevented him to expressed his feelings toward her. Autumn let out a hopeless sighed. “If you don’t want to talk about it, that’s fine” She stood up from the comfy couch before Ainsley joined her.

“Forgive my ridiculousness,” Ainsley blurted out. He licked his lips, trying to figured some puzzle pieces of words on his mind. “I just don’t know where to start,” 

“Enlighten me then” 

Ainsley took a deep breathed. His body felt like there’s a thin ice over his foots where he couldn’t move or trapped in between the frozen lake, feared of getting engulfed into humiliation. His hands were covered with apprehensive, perspiring and feeble. Whilst his face turned into a red flush before he’s ready to face the disgrace moment on his life.

“Just in case you foolishly forget, I’m never not—not even one second—thinking about you”

Autumn’s eyes shimmered instantly from those words. What did he just say?

Ainsley couldn’t believe what he just uttered. He expected for Autumn to respond on his current feelings. He was ashamed before he briskly grabbed his black work jacket and left Autumn on her bewilderment mind. She was too flabbergasted about those words. How will I confess to him that I care about him too? She wondered on herself. 

The day after that night, Autumn decided to meet him for a coffee on the nearest cozy café near their house. Autumn thought that perhaps today is the day she will spew all the consequences on her heart and she will surely blurt out her deep feelings toward him. At the moment, Autumn was sitting on the armchair near the sizeable windows, the sun was irradiating across her, waiting for the man she wondered nocturnally.

It didn’t take long until she saw the black hair guy with the familiar tattoos on his arms that she used to admired each night. Ainsley immediately noticed her chestnut hair and her pulchritudinous petite visage that he also used to admire each night. He walked to her maladroitly as he sat across her, avoiding her eye contacts. 

 The atmosphere between these two people in the café was absolutely severe before Autumn decided to break the inelegant moment. “Last night when you told me those things, I actually wanted to tell you that I—”

“Before you carry on, may I speak for awhile?” Ainsley instantaneously asked which made Autumn frowned in discomposure since she haven’t got a chance to speak the verity to him, but perhaps she could continue that later after what he wanted to say something to her. “A-alright,” 

Ainsley took a deep breathed before he continued, “I apologized for last night. I-I shouldn’t—”. Ainsley swallowed his guiltiness to his body as he finally turned to made an eye contact to Autumn solemnly. “I shouldn’t say those words. It was terribly mistaken, I’m sorry. I didn’t feel those things toward you—I-I was drunk. I just remembered last night I drank a few tequilas. I’m just—I messed up” 

Autumn could felt her heart became heavy and fissured. She didn’t understand what just happened but all she knew her tears were shamelessly coming on her cheeks. “W-wha—I don’t understand” She said before Ainsley stood up and left her without any words. Ainsley felt culpable for her, he felt like he was a yellow-belly person, or perhaps he was. She watched Ainsley rapidly went to his SUV car from the windows and drove past the street. 

The sanguine, delighted, gleaming day was drastically changed into some gloomy, dull, woebegone day. She thought that today was going to be the day that she will received some contentment but it turned out to be the opposite of it. They were right, when you’re too optimistic about something, don’t expect about it too much so you won’t fall into misery,Autumn thought. 

On her way back home, it would be a total lie if she wasn’t bawling—she did. But the more she thought about it, she was gratified enough that he said those malicious words so that she realized that the man she adored all this time was a piece of junk that she shouldn’t care about. 

 One year later.

Today’s weather was absolutely pleasant. Autumn came out for a quick run until her phone was ringing. She saw the name on the screen and immediately shimmered before she picked up the call. “Morning, gorgeous” The deep raspy voice greeted as Autumn’s heart gleaming. 

She ran for miles away with her earphones to continued her morning call with her admirer until she stopped on the nearest cozy café to bought an Americano coffee. “Thank you,” The cashier thanked her as Autumn smiled on her before she turned on her side to meet the tattooed arms man, sitting casually with blonde woman across his seat. 

Ainsley scooted on his seat until he saw someone familiar behind his partner, Autumn. Both of them only shared their mutual gazes before Autumn spared her soft smile to him. Ainsley, on the other way, shared his faint smiled on her. Even though their feelings were slowly deceased, the truth was, they still cared and yearned for each other. Grievously, the pride on their bodies washed them over their feelings.