This Isn't The Movies

I used to love Halloween. I loved the candy and the costumes and scaring my little brother half to death. Most of all, I loved it when we came home. Mom and Dad would sit on the couch and turn on a Halloween movie while Brian and I would dump out all our candy on the rug and boast about how many jolly ranchers we got. We would stay up till midnight--or until we passed out--trading candy and watching Halloween themed movies but never scary movies. I could never watch scary movies before I went to bed or I’d end up sleeping in my parent’s room.

Those were my favorite days. Halloween was the best time of the year for my family. We’d have the house decorated like the crazy people on the block. Maybe we were a little crazy but now they’re just sad. I can’t blame them for being sad, I still am. Life was perfect. I had friends, straight A’s, and Brian was going to transfer to the smart kid classes in his elementary school. Then, everything was gone. I was… gone.

I curl up on the soft red chair, looking out my window at the trick-or-treaters. I should be out there tonight, running up to houses with Brian and reminding him to say thank you. I can’t. I can’t bring myself to do it. Neither can Brian, not since… Not since I left.

I didn’t want to go. That car came out of nowhere and I didn’t have enough time to get out of the way. Of everything that happened that day, school, hanging out with my friends at the coffee shop after, walking home, it was the suddenness of the crash that remains with me. I had said goodbye to my friends who lived in the opposite direction. My parents are fine with me walking home, it’s not a big city but everything is close by. The light turned red and I stepped out into the street when the car swerved out from a nearby turn. They saw me but there wasn’t enough time to stop. I hit the side of their car. I remember the sight of my own blood on the white car, nothing more than a flash in my mind but more persistent than a mosquito. I remember flying through the air.

I didn’t even have enough time to realize that I was going to die.

Then, I was standing there, looking down at my own body. People were screaming and police sirens sounded in the distance but I was frozen, staring down at myself. My arms were bent at horrible angles and my side was indented as if I had hit a freight train, not some dinky little car that only had enough room for two people. Someone rushed over to see if I was alright. I don’t remember anything about them, not even if they were a man or a woman. I remember the rain. It started suddenly as if the sky itself was crying for me. I had vaguely wondered if it would rain on my funeral, too. The ambulances arrived and my body was carried away. I just stood there in the street, watching it all happen.

“No,” I had whispered, taking a stumbling step in the direction they had taken me. “No.” Another step. Then another and another until I was running after the ambulance, screaming for them to stop. I ran through the street. I realized too late that there was another car headed straight for me. I screamed and threw up my arms to defend myself but… it went right through me. That’s when it all fell into place and I finally realized what happened.

I’m dead.

I’m a ghost.

I didn’t know what else to do so I came home. I tried to tell my parents, to get their attention, but I can’t touch anything. I pass through everything, less than a breath of air. When I tried to touch Brian, he just shivered like he was cold. I was there when they got the phone call that I had been taken to the hospital but… I was gone. They drove off without even knowing I was there.

I screamed and cried for hours, trying to break something. To do anything. I couldn’t. It felt like days before they came back. Dad was carrying Brian, who had passed out with tear streaks on his face. They put him to bed then Mom and Dad went to their room and cried all night. The next day, they closed my door and the two of them never went back inside.

There’s a knock on my door and for a moment I thought that I had imagined it before it opened. Brain glanced back at the hallway then closed the door behind him. He quietly crept over to my bed and picked something up. It was my old teddy bear, named Doggy. I always wanted a dog when I was a kid. I know that I’m fifteen but I couldn’t give it away. Its brown fur had matted down and had lost its fluff a long time ago. Mom calls it old, I call it well-loved.

Brian sat on my bed, hugging the bear to his chest. “Penny,” he whispers. Brian sniffled. “I know that you can’t hear me but there’s something that I need to tell you.” He hugged the bear a little tighter. “I… I miss you. Tonight is Halloween, it’s our night. It’s the best night of the year, well, it was. Penny, if you can hear me then please, say something. I need you right now. No one will talk to me at school, they all call me, the kid whose sister died. Even my friends won’t talk to me. After what happened, I didn’t get into those smart kid classes. I… I can’t. You're the one that wanted me to take those classes, you're the one that thought I could do it. Please, Penny… I need you. I need my sister.” Brian curled up on the bed, clutching Doggy to his chest as he started crying. I got up off the chair and walked over to him. I already knew about all of that, I hear Mom and Dad talking when Brian is asleep. As a ghost, it turns out that I can’t sleep. I wander around the house, thinking. What else can I do?

“That’s not how it works, Brian,” I say, sitting on the bed beside him. I tried to touch his arm but my fingers moved right through it. He shivered and curled up tighter. Right, I can’t touch anything. He can’t hear me, either. But I can’t leave him here by himself to cry, he’s my baby brother. I lean back on the pillows, curling up around him without ever touching him.

“Penny,” he half sobs, half whispers.

“You're going to get through this,” I say. “I’ll always be nearby, Brian. I promise. It doesn’t matter what those kids say. They’re just kids, they’re rude and mean. But, it’s going to be alright. You're strong. You're my little brother after all.” I try to ruffle his hair but my hand passes right through it.

In the movies, this would be when he would hear my voice and call out my name again or look around and suddenly be able to see me. Maybe I would be able to focus hard enough to touch him, just the slightest bit. This isn’t the movies. I’m dead and I’m never coming back, I’m going to live out the rest of eternity watching my family grow up and move on. They’ll forget about me, eventually. Maybe that’s how it has to be. I don’t want Brian to hold onto this pain forever. I don’t want to watch him suffering and not be able to help him. I can’t help him, that’s the truth of it all. But that doesn’t mean that I can’t watch over him, to make sure he’s alright. Yeah, I can do that. I’ll stay with my brother, it’s not like I have anything better to do. Now, I have all the time in the world to be there for him, in one way or another.