Light within

TW: attempted suicide

It was summer 2001, we found out, despite the cheerful nature I had, and the sunscreen in my pocket I couldn’t contain the sunlight, you see the irony?, cheerful people are supposed to love the sun, people who carry sunscreen are supposed to have a little hope when it comes to sunbathing, but I had all those things and yet I was burned, it was like each time I decide to step out in the sun, there would be hives on my skin, like my pores open drastically, I don’t know what happens, but when I step out I become a monster.

And then summer 2005 I stayed indoors, my family becoming my support system, my mom would sometimes leave her workplace early enough just so I would have company, my brother would always want to turn the TV station to whichever one I wanted, and my sister? She would literally skip school for a week to stay with her eldest sister me.

Summer 2006:

It all changed, my family left the house sooner than before, for work, simply because I shortened their pay without knowing, my brother wouldn’t want to be seen around someone who had a faded color, and my sister fell out of love with me, she pushed me faraway, because she failed last year due to her spending time with me.

Summer 2007:

I sneaked a peek at him, the blonde across my window, his beautiful eyes always sparkle when he steps out under the sun, and his hair glitters under the sun, and his skin are not smooth under the sun, but each time I look at him I recall my flaws, how imperfect I am, I can’t step out to save my life, I know what my clothes smell like, and the stench that come out of my toilet, I know what happens when mom stays out so long, I’ve studied the markings of my house.

Summer 2008: 

I found out I really didn’t have so much of an ailment, I had “solar urticaria” I was happy, but I was scared. I was used to being in the house so much I forgot even the night, I had a lot of excuses at the tip of my tongue each time I was told to go outside, I became so afraid of humans, I got angry at my parents, and I let fear engulf me.

Summer 2009:

My neighbor had a girlfriend, I guessed she was Latina, the way her skin seemed to glow under the sun, her endless legs seemed to portray the mirror effect, and she had a nice nose under the sun. And when they strip bare across my window, it feels like the moon highlights their romance.

Summer 2010:

I lost myself, I lost the spark inside of me, and I succumbed to becoming a shadow of myself, I couldn’t identify what happiness looked like, so each day I look at my ceiling and the rope I have brought closer to my bed. Each day in the summer 2010 I thought about suicide.

Summer 2011: 

I’ve been undergoing therapy, and I have been having multiple cold baths, my therapist says it will help me recover, but deep down I wasn’t listening, my soul, and everything in me was dead.

Summer 2011: 

I fell in love, with my therapist, I let him kiss me, and I let him hug me, but I was so scared, he insulted me without me knowing, he called me disgusting to myself, I couldn’t tell mom, because she would get angry. And I didn’t want James going away, because he made me feel something.

Summer 2012:

I was 23 years old, and I decided to have my first alcohol, my sister was off to college, and my brother was off to stay with my grandma for some time, that was where I tried it, my first suicide attempt.

Summer 2013:

Summer was missing, and I felt like a part of me was finally gone.

Summer 2014:

I fell in love again, with my neighbor; he called out to me one time.

“Hello” he waved at me once I opened the door, his muscular palms was hung in the air like he didn’t know what to say.

“Your mom called me over for dinner” I nodded at him and moved away slightly, his voice almost brought me to my knees.

“What’s your name?” I looked at him, my whole body responded to his stare even my brain, because I hadn’t brushed my teeth, and I ran upstairs, holding my top, I wasn’t putting on a bra, and right now I needed privacy.

Summer 2015:

I was still in love with my neighbor, but something else happened, my dad passed away, and I came out for the first time, but it was at night. I stood beside my dad’s headstone on the headstone was written “George Herbert” 

“A father son and brother”

Summer 2016:

I had a good friend, Anna, and for the first time she made me say my name, but here is the twist she was that Latina girl from before Joshua’s girlfriend, she was planning her wedding with Joshua, and she made me realize I was 27 years old, and I hadn’t done anything with my life.

“What’s your name?” she asked me one time.

 I smiled at my window and turned back to her, despite the smile, I felt like killing her.

“I’m iris, and I’m 27” she nodded at me, and each day she made me say that.

Summer 2017:

Present summer:

“Iris your sister Shirley, just gave birth,” she looked at me, her smile is forced right now, and her waves I’ve noticed are getting lighter, and she has grey hairs now.

“I saw it on facebook ma” I say and she nods and keeps on washing the dishes.

‘You’re 28, and you don’t want to date any more Iris”. We’ve always had this talk since Shirley got married, and even right now I feel so ashamed I can’t even say too much.

“I know ma” I tell her and walk into my room, I bang my door and hear the sobs from mama, I’m so tired right now, that I can’t even think, my hope is shattered. 

“And the rope is still here” whispers a little part of me. I look up at the ceiling, everything is already set.

I look around my room, walking away from my door; I bolt it first, and bring a chair closer to my legs.

“I’m tempted to die” I say out loud, letting the sadness engulf me, I stand up and push my small stool toward the direction of the rope, so that it is beneath me.

“It’s better I end my life” I say softly. I’m about to bring the rope when I hear a knock.

“Iris!” calls mom, I’m already too nervous to reply, and right now all her voice does is bring me pain.

“Iris!, open up this door, or I’ll call Joshua on you” Joshua is the bachelor opposite our house, the guy I have been harboring a crush for.

“My mind is made up mum” even my hands are shaky, as her frail hands produce those resounding knocks.

“Open up darling”

“I’m sorry for what I said outside, I’m so sorry;” her tears this time are choking.

Her knocks come in harder sets, and by each second my heart gets hardened.

I hear her retreating footsteps later on, but my hands are too shaky to complete the action, and so I leave my plans, and gradually but not so gracefully I fall back down on the ground, my heart seems broken and I feel happy, because for the first time I genuinely feel something, and its making me so happy right now.

“After a little time... I stop...” I hear my mom’s voice getting closer by the minute, and the next thing I know the door is pushed down, then the muscular version Joshua stands in front of me, and oh he hasn’t changed a bit, I still remember when he came to visit me months back, before his wedding, and we kissed, our mouths moved in sync, and our hearts walked together, like they soared together, and then and there I decided to only fall in love just once, and he is the first I genuinely felt something for.

Joshua’s emotions are so raw right now, I feel like I can’t even contain it inside of me, his eyes roam around my body, taking In the sorry state, but yet, I can’t move an inch.

“Are you okay, iris?” he asks, my mom doesn’t even waste much time as she rushes in and begins peppering me with kisses. 

“I’m so sorry, I’m so so sorry, for all I’ve said and done, I am so sorry” I feel the mucus dropping on my shoulder, and I weep, I weep into my mom, and for the first time, there’s no talk, just us expressing our emotions, and here, right here, I start to come alive. 

“Let me talk with her Rose’ my mom stands up, and walks out of the room, her eyes going back and forth, between I and the door. When she finally leaves, my crush raises me up from the ground, and even in the process his beauty is not unnoticed, it’s like it was crafted and made for all men to view.

“Don’t you think? You’ve wasted your life enough Iris?” His eyes were raw, I could feel it, his eyes held emotions. But I am not ready, I’m not ready to hear the truth, so I walk with shaky legs to my bed and stay on it roiling over to the side of my bed that faces the wall I pull my blanket over my head.

I hear Joshua take a deep breath.

“you know, I used to like, you, and even your attitudes, I thought they were amazing, and when I came into your room for the first time, and you told me you smell like a grandma, I think I had a thing for you then, and few days later, it grew, and right now, inside of me, I feel like you have even lost a shadow of you, oh and I know you know that, so I won’t talk too much” he puts his hands on my left leg and begins rubbing me softly, an oh how much I want to take my legs out of his grip, but I can’t, because I love the waves he sends to every part of me when he touches me.

“later you made me think few hours before my wedding and I felt the push, I felt it, I knew I was somehow like you, never once seeing the light, I was a shell of my self, just like you are right now, I realized I needed to be me to actually live me, and I think I just started it after I ended things with my ex” he pauses, and while still laying on my bed I turn.

“I think you need to take a step and release this pet up frustration, see the sun, and get some color back on yourself, because you need it, and yeah, one reason I told your mom to step out is because I wanted to tell you that I really like you, and I need you to go out with me tomorrow” he pauses then adds

“On a date” 

I look directly at him; with so much force that even my head feels light for a second.

What does he even mean

My mind asks.

“I turn my head and quickly without thinking I say whatever comes out of my head.

“okay, pick me up by 7” I smile .

“no, I’m coming around by 12, after all we are both adults in our late 20’s”

Summer 2nd day.

My mind was all over the place, but I am happy because I have my curtain fully pushed aside, and yes, I still feel the unnecessary burns but right now, I’m currently looking at the guy across my window. But I wait, and wait and wait, and still he doesn’t come for me.

Summer day three:

It was early when I heard it, a knock it came from the main door. I have already let my brown hair fall in beautiful waves, letting it crown every feature of my face. I don’t know what I look like, but I feel so damn happy, and finally, he still wasn’t around today, we found out the knock belongs to the plumber my mom called when she found out handsome Joshua wasn’t going to be around for a long period of time

Summer day four:

She weaved her hair into nice cornrows, when the news came in, it was like her breathing was constricted, and so she walked out carefully, but wasn’t afraid to step into the light when he called her out, and under the sun they kissed, their lips moving in sync for the second time, but seconds later she ran back in, her eyes falling in everywhere but her face.

Summer day five:

Her brother came back home, flowers in hand, as he crossed the door he dropped to his knees and stayed there till she came down, both of them reading their emotions ran into each others arms and forgave themselves.

Summer day six:

She forgave herself, and they became official.

Summer day seven:

She stepped out into the sunshine.