Death on the Menu

Mark’s 50-minute murders

DEATH ON THE MENU

With plentiful red herrings and several licks of spice 

INGREDIENTS

1 x local politician (I like to use a congressman)

1 x sponsored Community Event in a local park (Independence Day is always fun)

A dozen potential suspects

6 possible murder scenarios

500 attendees in fancy-dress costume and masks

Catered finger-food and wine

Fireworks (optional)

PREPARATION

1.    Select a local politician. Be careful to pick one who is a rising star within their political party. They need to be prickly and quick to boil. If available, choose one who has an ex-wife or partner. Be warned, despite this ingredient never being in short supply, it will be expensive as it has a very high opinion of itself.

2.    Choose an appropriate occasion. I’ve used Independence Day but you can use any celebration where the community might come together in a large, sponsored event. Fireworks work well with Independence Day, but these can be replaced with anything that will steal the attention of the attendees.

3.    Prepare the final setting. Whilst it might seem odd to begin at the end, a critical factor in making this dish palatable is to give your guests a teaser. In this case, our local politician is found dead in his car. He’d left the event early, just after the fireworks had started, and smashed into a tree.

THE MAIN DISH

Take your local politician, my one’s called Brian Brown, and season him with connections to as many of the community event attendees as your palate will allow. I’ve gone for a dozen connections, which may be too strong for some. You can adjust as required. And certainly opt for anything that is currently in season.

Here’s how I spiced up the main dish:

1.    Charity Cardamom. Brian’s ex-tenant in one of his investment properties. Brian wrongly accused Charity of damaging his property and evicted her. She’s struggled to find accommodation since. Charity works as a bar-tender and has been experimenting with hemlock poisons in drinks.

2.    Dan Cloves. Brian’s neighbor. Dan’s house has a beautiful view. Brian purchased the property in front of Dan, promising to protect Dan’s view. Dan has however learned that Brian plans to build four 3-storey apartments on the property. Dan works as a chef and is obsessed with the poisoned apple scene in Snow White.

3.    Erica Thyme. A college student studying business. Erica sought Brian’s advice on a business start-up idea she’d been developing. Brian promised to mentor Erica. Months later Erica read about her idea being launched by another company. Erica has binged watched the Netflix show “How to get away with Murder” and taken copious notes.

4.    Gary Masala. Brian’s nemesis and local political rival. Gary’s passion for the causes he cares about often sees him at direct odds with Brian. With an election looming, Brian has launched a smear campaign against Gary. And Brian is leading in the polls as a result. Gary is an avid beekeeper and has recently learned of Brian’s bee allergy.

5.    Rosemary Holloway. Brian’s ex campaign manager. Rosemary worked many hours for low pay in Brian’s first campaign. But once elected, Brian fired Rosemary, partly because Rosemary continually resisted Brian’s romantic advances. Rosemary has recently been working with her brother, an auto mechanic specializing in brakes.

6.    Joe Turmeric. A higher-ranking politician in Brian’s party. Ambitious and well-respected. Joe is being blackmailed by Brian, who found some dirt on Joe and is using it to advance his own career. Joe worked as a chemist before becoming a politician and has always shown an avid interest in the history of poisons.

7.    Katie Caraway. Brian’s ex personal assistant. Katie laid a complaint against Brian for workplace bullying, but instead of getting a fair deal, Katie was fired. The person investigating the complaint was Joe Turmeric. Katie has recently been spending a lot of time at the local rifle range.

8.    Lily Tarragon. Brian’s ex-wife. Lily grew sick of Brian’s affairs and filed for divorce. Brian fought aggressively, hired expensive lawyers, and constantly lied. Lily came away with a low amount of assets and even lower self-esteem. Lily knows Brian can’t resist a cupcake and has recently been researching ways to disguise arsenic.

9.    Ginger Maroon. A pop singer just starting out in her career. Ginger sang at a previous event but was humiliated when Brian likened her singing to that of a drowning cat. Ginger has been unable to sing in public since. She has taken up puppetry and has become quite skilled at manipulating life-size puppets.

10. Basil Mendoza. Basil is on a short-term work visa. His wife and children visited him from overseas. Basil asked Brian to help his family stay in the country. Brian agreed to help but had Basil’s family deported as soon as their visitor’s visa expired. As a hobby, Basil started juggling knives. He has become very good at it.

11. Terry Pepper. Terry is a strong advocate for the green economy and passionately campaigns for non-car means of transportation. Brian has publicly and ruthlessly rubbished Terry’s ideas to the point where Terry is no longer consulted by the media on any transportation initiative. Terry is fascinated with snakes and keeps two highly poisonous snakes as pets.

12. Warwick Salt. Warwick is a member of the activist group Extinction Rebellion and is increasingly concerned about Brian’s denial of climate change. Brian discredits Warwick at every opportunity and has even implicated Warwick in cases of property damage, without any evidence. Warwick is a decorated war veteran and is an expert shot.

METHOD

Take our local politician, Brian Brown, and have him arrive late at the event. If possible, have him turn up driving a late-model Mercedes Coupe, or whatever ostentatious car is available to you at the time. Oh, and have him arrive driving fast, if not reckless. We’ll even get him to park in the area reserved for disabled drivers. I’m sure you get the idea.

Now, at any community event there are speeches, especially if you are going with my suggestion of an Independence Day celebration. Well, take our local politician, Brian Brown, and have him deliver an impromptu, unasked for speech, in which he claims credit for coming up with the idea for the event. He didn’t, of course. The actual organizers are standing in the front row feeling increasingly annoyed, partly because Brian is delaying the start of the fireworks show.

A few of the costumed and masked attendees start yelling at Brian to leave the stage. You could choose the level of spice to add here. A dash of vitriol. A sprinkling of disgust. You could even get someone like Terry Pepper or Warwick Salt to lead some heckling. That would be a fun addition, especially as they would both be in costume. Our local politician, Brian Brown, is too hardened for the protests to have any affect. Let’s have him simply laugh at the crowd as he leaves the stage. Oh, and let’s get him to grab a tantalizingly attractive cupcake that a passing, masked waiter just happens to be carrying.

·     A masked waiter? Could it be none other than Lily Tarragon in disguise? And is that cupcake poisoned? Well, that’s for you to decide.

Let’s now get our local politician, Brian Brown, open his mouth to take a big bite of the cupcake. But just before he clamps down on the thick icing, we’ll get him waylaid by Joe Turmeric, who insists that Brian must discuss an urgent political matter. Brian will neglect the cupcake in favour not so much of the political discussion, but rather because of the two glasses of wine we’ll make sure Joe is carrying. Or whatever liquid refreshment is a favourite of yours. We can work with anything.

·     Two glasses of wine? Is it possible that Joe Turmeric has poisoned Brian’s drink?  Or is it possible that Charity Cardamom is working in cahoots with Joe? Well, that’s for you to decide.

Now get Joe to lead Brian away from the main group of attendees who are gathering to watch the fireworks. We’ll get Joe to lead Brian to a park bench, or seat, or whatever suitable resting point you have available. Ensure that the seat is under a large tree and also ensure that neither Brian nor Joe notice the beehive hidden in the branches of the tree.

·     A hidden beehive? Could it be that Gary Masala had placed a beehive above the very place where Brian was now sitting? But how could he have known Brian would sit there. And is the connection holding the beehive in place rigged with a device which could sever the connection with one phone call? Well, that’s for you to decide.

We know neither Brian nor Joe are aware of the beehive, but it would be great to have Gary Masala watching them from a safe distance, you know, just in case the whole beehive idea has any merit. We’ll also get one other person watching Brian and Joe about to have a drink. And that person is Katie Caraway, who has hidden herself in another tree and is lining up a shot through the rifle she has brought to the event.

·     A rifle? Is Katie planning to shoot Brian at the event. Could she possibly be waiting for the fireworks to start before she takes the shot? Well, that’s for you to decide.

Now let’s get those fireworks cooking. A spectacular display worthy of Independence Day (or whatever event you are celebrating). Let’s have Brian and Joe pause just before taking a sip of their drinks to instead drink in the scene of the bright, brilliant, exploding lights in the sky. And, just when a particularly loud firecracker explodes, let’s have another bang sound. The sound of a rifle, which neither Brian nor Joe hear. Now, stay with me on this next part because things start getting a bit complicated.

The hidden beehive in the tree is suddenly released, either because of a planned triggered release, or because of a stray bullet from a rifle, or just because it’s weight finally broke the branch holding it. You can decide which bests suits the occasion you are catering for. Let’s have the beehive smash into the seat between Brian and Joe. Joe reacts by spilling his wine all over Brian. Let’s have Brian leap up, throw his cupcake and wine at the bees now pouring out of the hive, and sprint away. He is totally overheated and needs to cool down. And he is worried about the bees, of course.

Our local politician, Brian Brown, now soaked in wine, angry, and agitated, storms towards his car. Let’s have him not notice the two people who have been lingering near his car since he first arrived at the event. It should be easy, as Brian is clearly obsessed with himself. The two costumed and masked people are standing quite far apart. Each one has been trying to gain access to Brian’s car. But not one of them could make a move while the other one was close by.

·     Two people lingering by Brian’s car? Could it be Rosemary Holloway trying to mess with Brian’s brakes? And maybe it’s Basil Mendoza, trying to use his knives to ill effect? Well, that’s for you to decide.

Let’s have Brian get into his car, oblivious to anyone else. He races away from the event, driving aggressively in his souped up sports car. He’ll hurtle around the first corner but just at the bend of a second corner he sees something swing out in front of him. A person! He spins the wheel in panic and smashes into a tree, dying on impact. Because someone like him doesn’t bother wearing a seat belt.

·     A person swinging out in front of him? Could it be that Ginger Maroon had rigged a life-size puppet in a tree and waited for Brian to drive past before swinging it out in front of him? Well, that’s for you to decide.

Now, hopefully you’re wondering what actually killed Brian Brown. Did he lick some of the poisoned icing on the cupcake? Had he taken a sip of poisoned wine? Was he stung by a bee? Did his brakes fail? Did a life-size puppet swing out in front of him, causing him to crash? Or, did something else happen? Who knows, maybe someone placed a poisonous snake in his car? The great thing with this recipe, is that you can decide what happened. Make it your own. Add your own spice. And remember, always keep them guessing.

Enjoy!!