Late Night Decision

“Fuck, I can’t sleep” Taylor groaned. She ripped the blankets off, letting the cool air relax her. How could she fall asleep if her mind couldn’t stop replaying a simple request.

I need an answer by tomorrow.

Taylor simply didn’t have an answer. She couldn’t come up with one. How could she? Sure the offer was great, amazing really. She would move up from position. Get a tremendous raise. A raise she desperately needed. The answer should have been so easy. So clear. So why was she tossing and turning? Why couldn’t a simple yes roll off her tongue?

This was everything she dreamed of. No, this was everything she worked for. Her dreams consisted of something else. Something she has ignored and abandoned for the past ten years. Something she had to grow out of. Convinced herself she needed to think realistically. No, she couldn’t possibly follow that dream … could she?

Of course not. That’s ridiculous. Acting won’t pay the bills. Acting won’t do anything but stress her out and make her feel bad about herself. So why did she have these constant dreams where she’s in the middle of a stage?

Taylor reached for her cell phone on the night stand. She decided to waste the hours of the night on her phone rather than tossing and turning. Instagram has been torturous these couple of weeks with audition season in the process. All of her theatre friends have been landing roles or stage managing major plays. It made her heart heavy.

She should be happy right now.

She should accept the job offer.

She should be auditioning. No, she told herself. What she should be doing is fucking sleeping.

But here she was scrolling on Instagram at 3 am. Reading a post about a small theatre in downtown, having open auditions. Was this a sign? No. No, of course not. Taylor didn’t believe in signs. That was her grogginess thinking.

But she lingered on the post. Imagined herself auditioning and landing the role. She almost laughed at her ridiculous fantasy. That’s all this was to her, a fantasy that she needed to snap out of.

Her phone slipped and hit her face.

“I really should go to bed” Tomorrow, she reminded herself, was the day that everything would change. She just had to get through tonight. So she put the phone back on her night stand and turned her back towards it. Lying to herself that she was going to sleep.

————————

Taylor was on her third cup of coffee. But no amount of caffeine was going to fully wake her up. After putting her phone away last night, she stayed up facing the wall. Mind going a mile a minute. Why couldn’t she be the one landing roles? Why was she here stuck? It’s not like Taylor hated her job, she liked being here but she always felt like something was missing.

There was a small knock on her door. Before Taylor could acknowledge it, Jeremy popped his head in through the crack.

“Your 11 o’clock is here” he said. She nodded and he disappeared leaving her alone for two seconds. Taylor didn’t want to spend her whole day doing countless of meetings. All she wanted was to crawl back to bed and fall asleep.

Her phone vibrated for the twentieth time this morning.

Stop ignoring me. Her boss has been blowing up her phone since the crack of dawn. Waiting for Taylor’s answer.

I’m not. She lied. Of course she was avoiding her boss. She was in no position to make a life changing decision with zero amount of sleep. Or at least that was her excuse.

Busy with meetings. Need more time to think.

Fine. I’ll give you a week. But remember this is a once in a lifetime opportunity. Most people would kill for this creative director position.

Taylor closed her eyes and took two breathes in. All she had to do was write three little letters. Just three letters and everything she worked so hard for would finally come to fruition. But why did it feel like she would be writing more than just a yes?

You know why, she told herself. But she didn’t want to listen. Lucky for her, her 11 o’clock walked in her office.

“Jessica?” Taylor said a little too hopeful. No, this couldn’t be. But it was. She hasn’t changed one bit since they’ve last seen each other. That’s a face Taylor would never forget.

“Holy shit! Taylor!?”

The two embraced each other. Taylor couldn’t believe her luck. She had a meeting with Jessica. The Jessica. The same Jessica who she had a crush on during their college years. The same Jessica who helped her realize her love for the arts.

They spend the next hour catching up on everything. Forgetting the real reason why Jessica was sitting in Taylor’s office. Jessica explained to Taylor that she was going through a divorce which is why Taylor did not recognize the last name. Taylor also learned that Jessica opened a small theatre in downtown, the same little theatre she saw last night on Instagram.

“Are you still acting?” Jessica asked. Taylor looked down and barely shook her head. Disappointed in her answer.

“WHAT?! but you’re so fucking talented!” Taylor couldn’t look at her in the face. There was something about Jessica that made her come undone. One look at those beautiful hazel eyes and she was going to spill everything. Every suppress tear since the day they went their separate ways.

“I haven’t -” Taylor tried to come up with an excuse but she knew Jessica well enough to know she wouldn’t buy into her bullshit. Truth be told Taylor had convinced herself that she simply wasn’t good enough. She would have never been good enough. That’s what she knew all her life. She wasn’t girly enough. Not smart enough. Not skinny enough. Never not enough. So she buried herself into her work. Became obsessed with becoming someone. Thinking that a title would give her some worth but now that she was so close to it, to that title, she’s never felt so lost.

“I’m hosting auditions at -”

“I can’t. Busy” excuses. All she had were excuses. Too busy to audition. Too busy to respond to her boss. Too busy to listen to her heart.

“Bullshit” eyes darted to Jessica. Of course she could read Taylor like a book. Always had.

“No really, I have a lot going on right now. I’m about to get a big promotion and I don’t need this distraction right now”

“Who are you trying to convince?”

“I’m not trying to do anything, I’m —”

“Come on Taylor, are you really happy here? Is this what you truly see yourself doing? I know you. I know how happy you get on that stage” Taylor choked in a scoff. So what if she was happy back in the days, that didn’t mean she would be happy now.

“Well you don’t know me anymore, it’s been what, ten years?”

“And who’s fault is that? You’re the one that isolated yourself all those years ago because you were too scared to go after what you truly wanted”

“Look, I don’t need this right now”

“I’m sorry. This is not how I thought this conversation was going to go. I understand that you have a lot going on right now and this isn’t an easy decision but just know the part if yours, if you want it”

The room felt heavy. Both of them standing, chest rising, not wanting to move. Taylor didn’t want to look at Jessica and Jessica didn’t want Taylor to back off like she normally does when things get a little too much. But Jessica didn’t want to push Taylor over the edge so she wrote her number on the closest piece of paper and handed it to Taylor.

“Text me when you decide” and with that she left the room. Taylor stared at Jessica’s number, it was the same number she memorized all those years ago. Taylor’s face felt hot as she crumbled the paper and threw it across the room.

There was a faint knock on the door.

“Is everything alright? I saw Jessica storm out of here” Jeremy said.

“Yes, everything is fine …”

“Um okay, well your 12 o’clock —”

“I just don’t get it! How dare she just come in here, into MY office, thinking I would just drop everything just to act!” Jeremy watched as his boss paced around her office. He’s never seen her so worked up about anything.

“I’ve worked so goddamn hard for this promotion. This is what I want! This job. This promotion. The title! I’d be crazy not to take it … right?!” She turned to face Jeremy. Waiting for an answer, a validation, something, but he shuffled on his feet. Taylor watched as Jeremy desperately looked around the room, avoiding eye contact. His gaze finally landing on something behind her.

“Do you need a tissue?” he said in a soft voice.

Taylor’s hands immediately shot to her face. Surprised to feel it wet. When did she start crying? Why was she crying? She frantically wiped the tears away, feeling her face flush embarrassed that she let Jeremy see her this way. She turned towards the tissue box and reluctantly reached for one.

“Bring my 12 o’clock in” She whispered.

“Are you sure?”

Taylor slowly sat behind her desk and nodded at Jeremy with a sad smile. Taylor couldn’t deal with all of this right now. She didn’t want to think about the part or the promotion. She just needed to get through the day so she can go home and fucking sleep.

———————-

Taylor groaned in frustration after tossing in her bed for the millionth time. It’s 11:30 pm and she hasn’t been able to fall asleep. Her conversations with her boss and Jessica on constant repeat.

This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.

The part is yours, if you want it.

Are you really happy here?

Was she? Could Taylor stay in her current position and still be happy? Be proud of herself? Could she really turn down the creative director job? On the traveling? On the tremendous raise? On the chance to grow and expand on her creativity? Could she really pass on all of that just to act?

But is it really just acting? Taylor knows it’s more than just words on a paper, it’s submerging yourself into a character and bringing their story to life. It’s about the instant connection with the audience. The intimacy. It’s about the quiet moments before the play starts, the rustling of the playbills and the soft murmurs from the audience. It’s about the nervousness and the excitement to create something unique with each show.

Could Taylor really let this opportunity go like she did all those years ago? She would be lying if she said acting wasn’t in her heart, in her soul, but is that enough? Is it enough to turn down a promotion like this? Becoming a creative director has been her goal as far as she could remember.

So which one was it going to be?

Taylor took a deep breath and let the tension in her body melt away. She needed to clear her mind and listen to what her heart truly wanted. Maybe the answer was super easy. Maybe life was giving her all sorts of signs but Taylor never believed in those. She believed in chances and this one was at her fingertips.

So without a second thought Taylor reached for her phone on her nightstand and finally said what she should have said from the beginning.

You’re right. I want this.

Taylor placed her phone back and smiled to herself. She did want this, she wanted it with her heart and soul. Her heart fluttered when she heard her phone vibrate, tempted to read the text but tomorrow was another day. So she snuggled deeper into her sheets, closed her eyes, and finally drifted to sleep.