Wellness Plants

      The fact that management scheduled a mandatory meeting on improving employee mental health for 4pm on a Friday shows how out of touch they are with our mental health needs. I’d guess that most of us are already checked out come 12pm on Friday. The afternoon is reserved for daydreaming about weekend plans.

           For the training, I sat between Kevin and Moonbeam. Not because I wanted to, but because I came in last due to a slight bathroom disaster. See, I have a shy bladder and unfortunately, we have stalls instead of a single use room. Maria walked in at the same time as me and decided to wipe off and reapply all her makeup to get a fresh look because someone told her they knew today’s presenter and he was a yoga instructor. I’m not totally sure what about that description got her so excited, but I spent that whole time in complete panic and mentally begging her to leave.  

           The main issue with Kevin is that I’m not entirely sure he’s human. He talks and operates like a robot. Glancing over at him, I see he is sitting with perfect posture and staring straight at the wall. Are his eyes even blinking? Sometimes I look at those dull, beady eyes and expect to see computer programming code scrolling across them. He looks an awful lot like that Dilbert comic. With people like that, I’m always a tad worried they might snap one day. Moonbeam, on the other hand, suffocated the room with her earthy, body odor smell and she is way too enthusiastic about this whole presentation. If I try to zone out, I’ll likely get noticed right away with her drawing attention this way.  

           “Hey, everyone. Name’s Beck, and I’m so stoked to meet you all. Feeling the energy in this room I can tell this’ll be a good meeting,” the presenter said.

           I fought to keep my eyes from rolling. It hurt.

           “So, I’ve taken a little tour of your situation here and the first thing I noticed is there’s a serious lack of fresh air.”

           What does that mean?

           “We need to get some plants in here. Plants promote creativity, productivity, and good health. They reduce stress, which I know you’ve all experienced. We’re going to be real here today. Get it all out in the open.”

           I could be daydreaming about flying off jumps at the bike park, but instead I’m getting lectured on plants from some surfer bro type. Work is work. Let’s just get it done and go home.

           “I’ve got a surprise for you! I’ve already picked out a sweet plant starter kit you.”

           Someone rolled in a cart filled with potted plants.

           “In order for this to work though, I need someone to be a plant caretaker. This is an incredibly important position.”

           Chip’s hand shot up.

           “Alright, a question! Cool. What’s on your mind?”

           “Will the caretaker get a pay increase?”

           “Not a pay increase, but a status increase. You’ll be so worthy among your peers for taking on the responsibility of their wellbeing in this way.”

           Chip looked away after “not a pay,” and stopped listening.

           I wanted to nominate Moonbeam. This sort of thing seemed right up her alley.

           “Because this job is so important, I’ve talked in depth with the boss man here and we picked the best person. So, congrats to Kevin! You’ll be our new plant caretaker and expert.”

           Kevin didn’t react at all. All I could think was better him than me.

           I’m not sure whether I believed Kevin could pull off this task. He didn’t exactly seem like a plant type. Sure enough, five weeks later and the office was stunning. The floral scents were so strong, no one could smell Moonbeam anymore, which we appreciated. Beautiful flowers bloomed and vines started to crawl across the floors. Kevin must have changed the temperature of the office to accommodate them, which was the one downside. Things were getting a bit humid in there. The plants thrived though. It turns out, Kevin had quite the green thumb.

           A few months later, I had to sneak into the office late at night. I accidentally left my phone charger and couldn’t wait until the next morning. I didn’t expect anyone to be there. No one should have been there. I walked through the dark halls using my little bit of a phone battery to provide a flashlight. That’s when I saw Kevin in the glow of an exit light sitting with a red and orange flowering tree. He appeared to be crying and pleading with the tree. I didn’t know if I should interrupt.

           “Hey, Kevin? What’re you doing here?”

           I startled him and he jumped. He looked at me in this way that seemed like a ghost or monster stood behind me.

           “Why are you here, Lana? It’s late.”

           “Stupid me. I forgot my phone charger. Too addicted to the thing to go a night without it.” I laughed nervously.

           “Lana, you shouldn’t be here.” He sounded weirdly scared.

           “We need the special food, Lana,” a whispery voice said.

           “Who was that? Who else is here?”

           “It’s…It’s…”

           “We’re hungry, Lana.”

           “What the…”

           “You hear them too?” Kevin asked with a bit of hope.

           “Yes, but... who are they?”

           “I thought I was the only one. I wondered if there was something about me. A reason they choose me.”

           “Kevin, what’s going on?”

           “It’s the plants, Lana. They speak to me.”

           “Some water, Lana.” A different whispery voice.

           “They never stop talking!” Kevin cried.

           “Kevin’s getting weak,” the whispery voice said. “We’re passing the power to you.”

           “The power to talk to you?” I asked.

           “They’re so demanding, Lana. Get out while you can.”

           Talking to plants? What a lame superpower? Wait…” Will they do what I ask them?”

           “No.” Kevin shook his head. “They’re taking over. They want to control us.”

           “Oh, that sucks. If I can hear plants, I want to at least be able to control them.”

           “Feed us, Lana.”

           “What do they want to be fed?”

           Kevin shook his head rapidly and put his hands up. “Don’t! Don’t…”

           “Blood, Lana. Kevin failed us and we want his blood.”

           “Blood? I thought you meant water or fertilizer.”

           “Our King is a carnivorous one.”

           “Oh, well I see management sure did a bang-up job with this mental health thing. Nothing says stress reducing like an army of plants trying to consume your office and eat your blood.”

           “We only need a little, Lana. He doesn’t need to die.” The vines began to slither towards me.

           “Sorry, Kevin,” I whispered and bolted for the door. I covered my ears to drown out their cries. I knew the vines were slithering after me. I grabbed the door handle, pulled it open, flung myself out, slammed the door, and gasped.

           I went to the store and brought myself a new phone charger. The following day, I called into work to request a mental health day. The mental health day turned into a mental health week as I sat in my house freaking out. The blinds drawn shut, and all the windows and doors closed. One evening on the news I heard how Kevin was reported missing. That’s what made my decision to resign. Really, it's what was best for my wellbeing.