*This feeling, this dread, compressing your chest into a nervous, acidic pulp like putrid, century-old-squeezed orange juiceTM. Hereinafter referred to as “this anxiety.” Subscribers of "this anxiety" may feel worried, ill, and/or not fine. Subsidiaries of “this anxiety” include (but are not limited to) Generalized Anxiety Disorder®, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder® (“OCD”), Panic DisorderTM, and Social Anxiety DisorderTM. Services of this anxiety and its subsidiaries are operated and brought to you by the Overactive Amygdala of the Brain and Early to Late Childhood and Adolescent Experiences, LLC. All rights reserved. ©Since the beginning of time
Article 1 – Service Term and Activation
Service may start at birth. May run indefinitely. Service may also be acquired during substandard life experiences. Service does not take full effect, however, until activated. Activation code: turn1ng13. However, activation may start unexpectedly. In the back of a public library on a Monday. In the freezer section at the grocery store at thirty-six years old as Kiss from a Rose plays. In a humid seventh-grade history classroom. Index card with subscriber’s presentation notes on Abraham Lincoln (who also subscribed to "this anxiety") shaking in their hand. Activation may also occur while solving a complicated math problem. Sweating palms that leave stains on the subscriber’s classroom worksheet, smudging endless rows of the order of operations until you can no longer discern the numbers. One wrong move, and the equation, the subscriber, falls apart.
Article 2 – Duplication
At a later stage in the contract, subscriber may meet the love of their life. Genetic duplications and replicas of “this anxiety” strongly permitted; encouraged. Imprint it on offspring. Weave it into their DNA. Braid it into a tangle the most dexterous behavioral specialists won’t be able to untangle for even one-hundred-and-fifty dollars an hour. Pass it on and on and on until each and every leaf of your family tree is affected. Dry, weak, brittle. Crunching under rain boots on an October evening. No. Not even a walk in the crisp, fall air cleanses the mind. Offspring may/may not claim they got it from you.
Article 3 – Payment
Payment start-dates vary between subscribers. Dependent on activation date, genetic disposition, and/or time of enrollment. Payments to “this anxiety” accepted electronically in the form of: rampant, late-night text messages to a former or current lover, extracting hidden meanings from messages, researching medical symptoms under your covers on your phone at midnight when you feel a slight tingle in your chest. Payments also accepted in person. In person may cause increased heart rate; social anxiety; mixing up of words.
Article 4 – Termination
Termination of contract strongly discouraged. Termination methods include (not limited to): pills, cognitive behavioral therapy (“CBT”), self-affirming statements chanted like a magic spell into your fingerprint-smudged bathroom mirror. Forementioned methods may momentarily discontinue service provided by “this anxiety.” However, permanent discontinuation of service not guaranteed. Once terminated, service may be renewed at the discretion of “this anxiety” without subscriber’s consent. May be renewed anytime, anyplace. Includes but not limited to day or night. 2:04 AM in the dead of night. 3:06 PM in the flour, spice, and condiment aisle.
Article 5 – Liability
Subscriber shall hold “this anxiety” harmless from any and all actions and charges whatsoever. Subscriber may, however, hold harmful everything and everyone around them. Cashiers, small talk, the future. All of which will spell impending doom. No restrictions on how many entities subscriber may hold harmful. So long as "this anxiety" and all of its subsidiaries are held harmless in any and all events. Not limited to psychiatry sessions where "this anxiety" must also be held harmless.
Article 6 – Renewal
All services provided under this "anxiety" are never fresh. Always frozen. Frozen in time, three years ago. A memory the subscriber can't erase. Memories may be permanent. No limitations on the number of times a subscriber can reaccess and replay the uncomfortable/humiliating (and/or) painful memory. The time the subscriber stuttered on the t in telekinesis. Not guaranteed the subscriber is the only one who remembers this moment. Others are thinking about it at this moment. Most likely. Yes they are. Moving on from this memory is strictly prohibited; replays may be redeemed at any time. At night, lying in bed. In the morning. Stirring cake batter. Combing hair. Brushing teeth. Swimming laps.
Article 7 – Auto-enrollment
All enrollments automated at the discretion of "this anxiety." Enrollment may occur at any time for any reason. Reasons include (but are not limited to) early to late traumatic experiences, family history of subscribing to "this anxiety" and its related services, and/or chemical imbalances due to stress or illness. To unsubscribe, click here. Didn't work? Click again. Again. Again. Try again later. To speak with a representative,
Article 8 – Push Notifications
Enable push notifications on the myAnxietyTM app. Reply YES to receive daily notifications on the following: long-ago memories, negative early childhood experiences, the unknown realm of the future. Text STOP, STOP, STOP, STOP to 1-888-anxiety when you've had enough. Until fingers hurt. Until you can no longer type. Data and messaging rates may apply as taxes on your well-being. May feel like lighting storm inside stomach; illuminating its dark hollows. Such sensations are normal; courtesy of "this anxiety" and its related products and services.
Article 9 – Services Provided
Services include heart palpitations, sensation of bugs crawling on scalp, rumination, repeated thoughts, inability to think clearly. Strangers plotting against you. Time of service varies. "This anxiety" not required to provide listed services at any specific time. May occur at "this anxiety's" own discretion. When discontinued, services may continue at any time. "This anxiety" not obligated to notify subscriber of when services will take place again; if they will take place again; and/or how they will take place again. Services provided nationwide; worldwide. We do not discriminate. All welcome, regardless of age, ethnicity, or background.
Article 10 – Terms of Agreement
Subscriber does not agree. They never did.
This anxietyTM and its affiliates. Generalized Anxiety Disorder®, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder® (“OCD”), Panic DisorderTM, and Social Anxiety Disorder.TM All rights reserved. ©Since the beginning of time