Little girls

Trigger warning for depression: When I was a little girl I used to think that my dad was the greatest man alive, I mean when I got to see him he would just smile the whole time we were together. I lived with my grandparents because my mother and father thought that would be the best option for me.

They were right of course and I grew up great, but I still had to live through a pill popping grandmother who spent money like it was the air she breathed. I grew up with a grandfather who was stern and sometimes couldn't control his anger. And countless other disturbing things. But I could live with that, I learned how to cope in my own weird way. I saw my mother on weekends which was super great and gave me something to look forward to.

I am the middle child that my father had. I have an older sister and a younger brother all half of course becuase he couldnt stay with one woman for too long. I think he was my biggest problem, I have always loved my father and I know he loves me. Which begs the questions, oh so many questions.. why would he make empty promises? why would he not want to spend time with me? why was he always so angry with everyone...including me... and why would he try to make himself look like the victim when in reality he wasn't ready to be a good dad or even a decent human being? So many questions and no answers...

Well I grew up without a dad basically, but thats ok because I had my grandfather and my uncle to look up to. I would go to school and be apart of musicals and plays. I was even in choir to let out some of my emotions and it kept me away from home for a while longer.

As you can expect, I told my father when my concerts were and when the musicals were coming up. He told me he would try to make them if he could. Six years I waited, all throughout Jr. high and High school. I waited for him to show up, just once! The only thing I could think of when he never showed up was he isn't proud of me, I was a mistake and a failure. If I couldn't get my father to love me then who would?!

If my own father couldn't give me even the time of day, then why would anyone else want to be apart of my life? I was too depressed to even get out of bed most days and too tired to fall asleep at night. One night I felt like my whole life was falling apart, so I decided to cut the pain out of me, and cut and cut, if that didn't work then I would just bleed out until there's nothing left. I felt worthless and useless, I felt I had nothing to live for, I was just a walking corpse. No one noticed! I was super quiet and did what I was told, I fucking hated my life.. I did that for years because I had no one to turn to.

I met this boy and we started to talk and one day he just asked me to be his girlfriend. I spent the rest of that day crying in my room because someone actually LIKED ME! I didn't feel ashamed or angry with myself for being me. This boy saved my life, that is no understatement. All I ever wanted was to be accepted for who I was. That's exactly what he did, and I did the same for him.

A couple years go by and we moved out of state together, by this time he knew all about my father and the horrible things he has done to me and my siblings. I decided I wasn't going to speak to my dad anymore. Well that just pissed my dad the fuck off. I went back to visit my grandparents and he comes storming in the room telling me all about myself and telling my boyfriend that he took me away from my dad. When in reality I decided to stop talking with my dad. My father said some nasty things, like "You need to grow up and learn that I am the only one you can trust. You needed to learn to respect me and you are an ungrateful daughter." My dad told me "I would go without food just so you could eat and I'm the one who kept a roof over your head. I'm the one that has been there for you through everything." He made a complete spectacle of himself in front of his own parent (whom he lives with)

I just sat back further in my chair and smiled past him to my boyfriend across the room. So my father turned his attention on the person he blamed for "Taking his daughter away from him." Now my boyfriend is not one to fight but he will if you push him. So being the immature person he is my dad tried to egg him on. Well my boyfriend stood up and asked my dad if he really wanted to do this. My dad just kept yelling. With one swing my father was flat on the ground still conscious but he was not expecting that to happen. My grandparents just watched becuase they have been beaten down by my dad as well.

After that my dad stood up and started yelling again, this time all his attention was at me. I snapped. "STOP!!!!" I shouted. "Listen to me you insignificant little petty man! I will NOT tolerate this any longer!"

My dad was still yelling so I screamed louder.

"I AM THE ONE WHO DOESNT WANT TO TALK WITH YOU ANYMORE!" My dad froze.

"I'm done with your toxicity and all of your lying. You were never there for any of your children! Why do you think none of them talk with you! Why do you think no one wants to be around you!? I used to think it was becuase you were busy or you really didn't have time! But it turns out you don't have time to be an actual father, you can't be bothered with your children becuase you're too screwed in the head to even try! You make everything about you and you try to play victim, when in reality you are just afraid! You are so insecure about yourself that you tear others down just to make yourself feel good! You make people believe that you are the victim and then when they learn the truth you beat them down, you are woth nothing! You are a tiny little man with no family who cares enough to listen to you! I was going to give you another chance but you ruined that, you will die a bitter old man with no family! Now I am going out for ice cream with MY family and you will not ruin this day! If I EVER hear about you beating this family down again I will be back, and I will crush your mind and soul to the tiny sized ant you are!"

Thats the last thing I said to my father, we took my grandparents out for ice cream and I never looked back. It was freeing, this demon that built up anger all these years was finally released. I felt whole for the first time ever, I just had to let it go. Becuase I know he will never change and he'll die a lonely old man. But he dug that grave and he has to lie in it, it's not worth my energy or time anymore. I found love, and my family was so much happier after that. I won't look back, I won't doubt myself or my decision to cut him out of my life. The best part was I finnaly had my voice back, and dammit no one is ever going to take that away from me. Stand up for what you believe in, even if it means you're all alone..because more often then not other people don't have your courage or voice to stand up for themselves.