Frank and Katie: A Comedy of Errors

Her:       It was 4:30, and Katie should have been starting dinner. Instead, she was painting her toenails and talking on the phone to her sister, complaining, again, about Frank.

               “Honestly, Lucy, can you keep a secret?”

               Her sister laughed. “Who am I going to tell?”

               Katie considered. “Good point. It’s just, I’m seriously considering leaving him. And I already know what you’re going to say.”

               Lucy huffed. “Yeah, I bet you do. I’m going to say you’re crazy. Frank is great. He’s gorgeous, he works hard, and the only sport he’s into is golf. Getting divorced sucks. Like all caps, SUCKS.”

               Katie sighed. “Yeah. I guess. I don’t know. It’s like I can’t stand the sight of him. I get the chills when he tries to kiss me.”

               “Why don’t you guys go on a romantic trip or something? You can afford it. You gotta, you know, shake things up. Honestly, what is so bad about Frank anyway?”

               Katie, unseen by her sister, rolled her eyes. “Where do I start? It’s the little things that add up, you know? Like, he never brings me flowers anymore. And he’s completely incapable of putting his dirty socks in the hamper. He can get within a foot or so, but not in.”

               “Classic man. You’re never going to find a man who puts his dirty stuff in the hamper. Next.”

               “Beard hair in the sink.”

               “Normal. He’s a big picture guy, you know that. You’re the details girl, you see every little hair.”

               “How could I not? The sink is white.”

               Lucy laughed again. “Anything else divorce worthy?”

               “Yeah. This drives me crazy. No matter how many times I ask, cajole, nag or scream, he always puts the silverware upside down in the strainer.”

               “What a sinner!” Lucy shouted, then paused. “Wait. Wait, wait, wait. You’re telling me Frank does the dishes?”

               “Up. Yours.”

               “I’m serious. You sound like a whiny little brat.”

               “Thanks.”

               “That’s what sisters are for. I mean, I get it. It’s annoying. But it is not divorce material. Divorce material is what Jimmy did to me.”

               Katie sighed. “I do kind of sound like a whiny brat, don’t I?”

               “Look, I know I’m not one to be giving marriage advice, but you know what I would do?”

               “Hm?” Let’s hear it.

               “First, ignore all that stupid, typical male garbage. He’s not doing it on purpose, he’s just- I don’t know, a normal guy. I’m telling you, the grass is not greener.”

               “But-“

               “No. Wait. Second, you’re going to have to fake it ‘til you make it. Pretend you’re crazy about the guy. Make his favorite dinner.”

               “Dang. Dinner.” Katie tentatively touched her freshly painted big toe. Still tacky. “Too late. We’re having frozen pizza.”

               “Well, at least heat it up.”

               “Har de har har.”

               “Alright, dummy, make his favorite dinner tomorrow. Right now, before he gets home, go brush your teeth, put on perfume. Put on your sexy undies.”

               “Don’t have any.”

               “Gah! It’s like pulling teeth with you. Get some. Surprise the crud out of old Frankie boy. Smile at the poor guy. Really shake him up.”

               “Imagine me glaring at you.”

                “That’s fine. Just tell me you’ll try it. Remember when you played Juliet senior year, and Bobby Higgins was Romeo?”

               “Don’t make me puke.”

               “Exactly! But nobody knew how you felt about him because you were such a good actress.”

               “One problem. I did not fall in love with Bobby.”

               “True. But maybe you’ll back in love with Frank Morelli.”

               “I don’t love it. I don’t even like it. But I guess I’ll try it.”

               “Yes! Yes, yes, yes.”

Him:      “Johnny, can you keep a secret?”

               Johnny Mills looked up from the golf ball he’d been just about to hit, and over at his best friend since seventh grade. “What are we, Frank, thirteen year old girls?”

               “Is that a yes?”

               “Sure, dude. Yeah.” He looked back down at his ball and swung his arm back. Let’s hear it.

               “I’m done with Katie.”

               Johnny almost dropped his club. “What do you mean, you’re done with Katie?”

               Frank gave his friend a long stare. “I’m done. I can’t. I cannot.”

               Johnny scoffed, disbelieving. “You’re done? She’s gorgeous, she’s sweet-“

               “She’s not, actually. She’s really not that sweet. Come on, you can’t tell me you don’t know how it is.”

               “Kristy left me. You remember that, right? I would give my left arm to go back and do… literally anything to get her to not leave me.”

               “It never got to you? The nagging, the ball and chain of it all? The monotony? The monogamy?”

               “No, no. I never got sick of the monogamy.”

               Frank laughed. “Yeah, you’re right. The monogamy isn’t as bad as I thought it’d be. It just sounded good.”

               Johnny looked at Frank. “Just got carried away with the sound of your own voice, huh? Katie should leave you.”

               “That’s the idea.”

               Johnny squinted at him. “What do you mean?”

               “You know, that girl flipped a freaking lid when I put the silverware in the dish strainer,” he made air quotes, “wrong.”

               “Wait, wait, wait. You do dishes?”

               “Occasionally. Anyway, hey, that’s my point. She could have been thankful. But she freaked.”

               Johnny nodded. “What a modern man you are. Real equality right here.”

               “Division of labor, dude. We’ve talked it through. So anyway, that’s when I said I’m done. I don’t need that crap. So, the next time I did the dishes, I put them in wrong on purpose.”

               Johnny shook his head. “You don’t get it, do you? Divorce sucks. And let me tell you something, there isn’t a girl on earth who would put up with your garbage. You know, if you’re single, you have to do the dishes every time.”

               Frank chuckled. “Yeah, well. I started doing other stuff. On purpose. I mean, before, I probably missed the hamper, sure. I’m no Michael Jordan with my dirty socks. But now I place them right next to the basket. Another thing I do is I try to eat raw onions at lunch every day and then go to give her a big kiss when I get home. You should see her shudder.”

               “What’s the point? Why don’t you just leave her if you’re so miserable?”

               Frank shrugged. “I don’t know. I guess I’d rather be ‘poor Frank’ than the alternative.”

               “You passive aggressive piece of-“

               “I know, I know.” He sighed fatalistically. “It can’t be helped. I’m thinking, another month, tops, I’m going to get served a nice packet of papers from my wife’s newly hired divorce lawyer.”

               “Couldn’t happen to a nicer guy,” Johnny said, saluting. “Can I tee off now?”

               “Be my guest.”

One Month Later

Her:       Katie’s cell phone rang. Lucy! “Hey, sisso!”

               “Hey girl, long time, no talk. What’re you up to?”

               “Just making some lasagna. Frank’s second favorite. Hint hint”

               “So you’re actually doing it?”

               “I’ve been doing it! Making his favorite meals, I even called his mother to get her Alfredo recipe. That’s his number one. She was reluctant but she finally gave up the goods. You should’ve seen his face!” Katie squealed.

               Lucy laughed. “So, it’s working? Are you in love with your husband?”

               “I don’t know. It’s weird. I mean, yeah, I think it’s working. On me at least. I actually kind of like the guy again. I mean, gosh, he is cute. Those big dark eyes. And have you seen his abs lately?”

               “No, Katie, I haven’t had the pleasure of seeing Frank’s abs lately.”

               “You’re missing out. Anyhoo. Every time I notice one of the things that used to bug me, I just take a deep breath and think, he didn’t do this on purpose. He’s just a lout. I love him, and he loves me, and it’s no big deal to pick up stinky socks. Right?”

               “Right. It’s not.”

               “Yeah. So the thing is though, Frank is taking it weird. Like you should’ve seen him that first night. After we talked? I went and got all prettied up, and when he got home from golfing, well normally when he gets home, I kind of just call ‘Hi’ to him from wherever I am in the house. But I went right over to him and hugged him, and let him kiss me, even though he had terrible onion breath. It seems like he eats raw onions every friggin’ day. But anyway, he took my shoulders and looked at me like I was crazy. Which made me super sad because it’s like, wow, when did I last hug him on purpose?”

               “Ok, but he liked it, right?”

               “I don’t know, I mean, every day he just keeps looking at me like he can’t understand what I’m doing. And almost like he’s annoyed that I’m finally being nice to him?”

               “What do you mean?” Lucy sounded skeptical.

               “Well, like every time I make him Italian food, which I hardly ever did before because I never make it ‘like his Mama makes it,’ he eats it, and I can tell he likes it, but every time, he asks me why I’m doing it.”

               “And what do you say?”

               “At first I just kept laughing and saying, ‘Because I love you, isn’t that a good enough reason?’ But finally last night I kind of told him the truth.”

               “What truth?”

               “I said that a month or so ago I had been really irritated with him and seriously doubting our marriage. He looked so confused. I can’t blame the guy, he was always so happy before all this, like I said, he didn’t have a care in the world. So I told him how annoyed I had been getting about all the silly little things, and how I realized they were silly and little and that I had decided to just, I don’t know, love him and not worry about all that little stuff.”

               “What’d he say?”

               “He looked like he’d seen a ghost. He started stuttering, and finally said, ‘Wow, Katie, I don’t even know what to say right now.’ And then he got up from the table and we didn’t talk about it anymore.”

               “You think he was upset because you were thinking about leaving?”

               “I guess. I feel bad. Maybe I shouldn’t have told him all that.”

               “Maybe. Did you apologize?”

               “Not exactly. We haven’t really talked. We both just ended up going to bed and we didn’t talk this morning.”

               “Well, let me know what happens.”

               “I will.”

Him:      “Well, Frankie boy,” Johnny said, “when’s the last time we golfed? It’s been a month, hasn’t it?”

               Frank looked up from his golf ball. “Yeah. So?”

               “Any papers yet?”

               “Man, forget it. I was really hoping you wouldn’t bring that up.”

               “Why? You changed your mind, I hope.”

               Frank straightened, stretched, considered. “No. Not exactly. No, I haven’t changed my mind.”

               “Well, what then? Your devious little scheme isn’t working?”

               Frank laughed. “My devious little scheme seems to have backfired.”

               “How? She caught on?”

“No, I don’t think she caught on. I think maybe she’s a better person than I thought.”

Johnny cocked his head at Frank. “Yet you haven’t changed your mind?”

“No. Dude. Listen, that’s not what I mean. I mean, she suddenly started being”- he winced -“so nice.”

“And in your world, that’s a bad thing.”

“So that night, the night we golfed, I get home, and I mean, normally I act really happy to see her and go to kiss her.”

“With onion breath.”

“Exactly. And it’s like a search, because she just grunts at me from somewhere in the house. So that night, she comes right up to me and hugs me, and lets me kiss her, full on, no shirking.”

“Nice.”

“No, not nice. Weird. So I kind of took her by the shoulders and looked at her to see if she was drunk or something.”

“Does she drink?”

“No.”

Johnny laughed. “Go on.”

“So, whatever. She says, ‘Sorry baby, we’re having pizza again, but I’m making chicken parmigiana tomorrow, ok?’ All sweet. And like, with this cute little fake Italian accent. It was,” he shrugs, “actually it got me going a little.”

“Dude.”

“Sorry. Anyway, great sex doesn’t just negate everything, you know? So I just figured, she had a good day. Weird, but ok. But it doesn’t stop. She starts making all my favorite foods, and I mean this girl doesn’t do Italian. But I think somehow she got my mother’s Alfredo recipe, and lasagna, and everything good, she’s making me this stuff all the time.”

“Aww, Mrs. Morelli’s Alfredo.”

“I know, right? And not only that, but she completely stops nagging me about all the other stuff, no matter how much I ramp it up.”

“Congratulations, man. You got everything you wanted.”

“How? How did I get everything I wanted? What I wanted is for the girl to leave me. Oh, so I haven’t told you about last night. She made some seriously amazing risotto, and I asked her why she’s been doing this. Why she’s been acting so sweet to me. And she started with the same old, ‘Cause I love you baby.’ But I’m like, yeah, but why all of a sudden? And she tells me she had been thinking about leaving me.”

Johnny held his hand to his chest and gasped. “No!” And rolled his eyes.

“What a friend.”

“Didn’t I tell you? You’re a jerk. So why the change?”

“I don’t know. She just says she realized all that small stuff was silly and she loves me and wants to make it work.”

Johnny looked at him and smiled. “And you’re pissed.”

Frank sighed. “I don’t know. Yeah, I’m pissed. A little. I mean, now I have to leave her, right? Now I have to be the bad guy.”

Johnny got up from the golf cart and walked over to Frank. He then proceeded to smack him upside the head.

“Hey! What?” Frank said, rubbing his head.

“You. Are. An. Idiot. You want out because Katie’s nagging you about stupid crap. Now she stops and you still want out. She’s making your favorite foods, she’s willing to overlook your dumb habits, she’s beautiful. It even sounds like the sex is better. And you’re pissed. What more do you actually want? Don’t you love her?”

“Of course I love her.”

They stared at each other. Then Johnny muttered, “You don’t deserve her.”

Frank and Johnny golfed the rest of their holes in silence. As they finished their round, Frank looked at Johnny and said, “I’m an idiot, right?”

Johnny put his arm around Frank’s shoulders and smiled. “No truer words have been spoken, my friend. I hope it’s not too late.”

Frank went home that night with two dozen yellow roses and minty breath. The next day Frank and Katie both talked to their closest confidants.

“I think everything is going to be ok.”