Dr Doidge's Address

Are you tired of people telling you the way they actually feel about you? Are you sick of their inconsiderate behaviour? Their lack of politeness? Then you’re one of the 28% percent of the population with their social filter still intact. You’ve chosen not to tamper with your brain. Congratulations, smartypants. It wasn’t that hard, was it? So why can’t the other 72% get it right? These filterless fools are doing more than just romping around rubbing everyone up the wrong way. They’re Careless. Callous. Cold-hearted. Their selfish behaviour will eclipse any kind of cooperative effort on society’s part, and we will melt down completely. But it’s not entirely the 72%’s fault. The back-alley doctors who sold them surgery as an inhibition-cancelling nootropic are to blame. These quacks have transformed the meek into belligerents, the well-mannered into barbarians, the altruists into selfish husks. They continue to haphazardly hack away at the hemispheres of the populace to rake in riches beyond their wildest dreams.

I, Dr Doidge, on the other hand, am a real doctor—not financially motivated in the least. With me, there are no fake medical degrees or quack-procedures. I wish to see humans restored as cognisant stewards of our planet. But if people continue to blunt their inhibitions by having their filters removed, we don’t stand a chance. 

Our hope lies with you, my friend. I assume that you are looking for answers. You are reading this pamphlet, after all. No filterless goon would make it this far without rolling up the page, lighting it up like a joint, and inhaling its carcinogenic ink. I can feel the scepticism lingering in your brain. Allow me to answer some frequently asked questions so you can permanently un-furrow that brow.

Why don’t I believe a word you’re saying? 

I am a doctor. A real doctor. Trust me. I would expect this level of scepticism and ignorance in a filterless person, but you, with your fully functioning faculties, are you blind to the chaos out there? Refuse has not been collected in years. The public health system has collapsed. Prominent political positions have been taken over by reality TV stars. I could go on. . . But you have to believe me–reinstalling our social filters is for the good of everyone. 

How have you, alone, come up with a solution?

I locked myself away in my lab with 50 filterless human brains and I didn’t come out until I’d found an answer. 

Let’s say that someone agreed to your procedure, what exactly would you do to them?

A surgical procedure costing a mere £4,000 is followed by a six-month neuroplasticity programme at £2,000. These treatments guarantee fully functioning faculties. Feel the difference, or your money back. My foolproof method works on everyone who has had their filter removed. I have healed hundreds of people already. Hundreds. 

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If you’re reading this and still aren’t convinced, please read the patient testimonials below.

‘Getting my filter fixed was the best thing I’ve ever done. I had no idea what a dick I was being to my wife. She had to drag me to the clinic kicking and screaming, but I’m glad she did.’ —John Barrymore

‘I used to judge people’s outfits in the street. I would yell out insults. I must have really upset some people. Now, I walk by hideously dressed people all the time and don’t feel the need to say anything. Not even a snarky comment.’ —Cassandra Benz

‘Dr Doidge is the only doctor in the world who knows what he’s doing. Just trust him.’ —Jane Scully

‘He’s the best. Really, very good.’ –Anonymous

If, by now, you’re convinced that my treatment is righteous, well done on coming to a logical conclusion. Whether it’s for a friend, a family member, or that insufferable maniac who tears up and down your street late at night in his souped up hatchback, you can fix their filter with our deluxe package. For £4,000, plus a £1,600 follow-up programme (and a £500 admin fee), I’ll transform anyone you refer to my practice.

If you’re still not convinced, I want to know why. Why are you lacking in trust? My word is based on hard science. Give yourself a slap. Laugh at your own stupidity. And read on. 

I can see that I’m going to have to appeal to your emotional side, and as a rational man, this isn’t my forte, so you’ll have to bear with me. Here is my own personal story. Someone near and dear to me—my wife, Esmerelda—decided to have her filter removed when the procedure first became available. Completely without consulting me, I might add. She became a drooling mess. Now I didn’t dare tamper with my beloved’s brain until I’d gathered enough data on the filterless brains, but it was my love for Esmerelda that motivated me to come up with a solution. I wasn’t about to give up on her. Once I’d figured out my strategy, I successfully reinstated her filter, and now she is back to figure skating, chess-boxing, and underwater basket-weaving again. Odd pastimes, I know, but I am telling the truth. She is one eccentric lady. And I am one lucky man. Happy now? Is that enough to convince you?

Well, if it isn’t, then so be it. That’s all I’ve got. Honestly, if that hasn’t sparked you into action, I don’t know what will. Bear in mind that if the last rational thinkers don’t act, the 78% becomes the 80%, 85%, 90%, 95%, until the Whitehouse staff have their filters removed, abandon all sense of political decorum, and accidentally trigger their nuclear devices while playing a game of soldiers in the war room. If the USA launches, it’s only a matter of seconds before Russia and China retaliate. Every square inch of mother earth will be scorched. I apologise for having to resort to scare tactics, but for some people, this is the only way to get the message across. You have the power to divert a nuclear holocaust by getting as many people down to my clinic as possible. 

Don’t put up with rudeness from people any longer. Don’t sit idly by while goons recommend to other goons to get their filters removed. We need to put a stop to this dangerous trend! Purchase my deluxe package now! For only £4,000, plus a £1,600 follow-up programme (and a £500 admin fee).