Thoughts

My friends had dragged me to our local carnival. I had told them I was already dreading it, but they somehow convinced me to go. We arrived at the carnival and I dragged my feet across the paved concrete. I looked at all of the lights, rides, people, food. They were all having the time of their lives. Mocking me.

The first thing we did was go on the Space Jam, you know the one where it spins so fast you are stuck to the walls? That one. I got on and placed myself against the wall. My friends were all giggling, excited for the ride to start. It started slowly spinning and got faster and faster. My friends were all screaming and laughing and I was silent. I felt the weight and the air push against my chest. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Like I was drowning. I tried to scream for help, but nothing came out. Everyone and everything went silent. 

*

Flashbacks to that place appeared in my mind. The little girl went downstairs for dinner and was greeted by her mother on the floor. “Mommy?” She called but nothing came. She walked over to her mother and shook her. “Mommy?” She called again, nothing. “Mommy wake up!” She screamed for her mom. Her eyes became glossy and she wept. She screamed and cried, but no one came.

*

The ride slowed down a little bit at a time and it was finally over. My breathing slowly came back and I felt my cheeks were wet. I wiped my eyes before my friends could see. Too late, they saw me and asked “What’s wrong?” I lied and said “I just think that ride is scary…”  “oh, well don’t be a baby! Come on, we have more rides to go on.” “Great…” I mutter to myself. 

We made our way to the next ride, and the next ride, and the next, until we got to the Ferris wheel. We waited in line and after minutes of waiting in the long line, we got onto the cart and took off into the sky. They dispersed into conversation and I sat looking at the stars, lost in thought.

*

On a normal day, I’d be just fine at the fair, but I couldn’t get her out of my head. Memories just kept flowing through my head. The little girl made her way to the casket, her mother inside. Everyone around her was crying. She couldn’t cry anymore. She had cried her eyes out, eyes red and puffy. Everyone gathered around and said their final goodbyes. As the family placed items to remember them by into the casket, the girl placed her ladybug plush into the casket. The casket was released into the ground, pink lilies placed at the base.

*

I was dragged out of my thoughts when my friends called for me to get off of the ride. I followed them until I saw a young daughter and her mom hugging. I stopped in my tracks. I missed that. I missed her. It had been exactly 7 years since I lost her. I touched my cheeks and realized that I was crying again. I looked around for my friends but all I saw were happy families, games, and rides. I felt my knees get weak and I fell to the ground and cried. I probably got weird stares, but I didn’t care. I couldn’t stop. I had lost so much. My mom was all I had and she was gone. It was my fault. 

It was my fault that I hadn’t seen her sooner on the ground. It was my fault that I couldn’t help her. It was my fault that I didn’t do anything when I saw her. It was my fault that she was gone. My mind was overflowing with regret and sorrows. I couldn’t forgive myself.

I walked through the carnival weeping alone. I tried to force myself to think of anything else but her. I tried to focus on finding my friends, calming myself down, having fun, anything other than my mom. But my mind went straight back to another flow of memories. 

*

The little girl watched as the kitchen was filled with paramedics and police. They kept asking her questions, none of them being answered. She just wanted her Mommy. Her Grandma went up to the little girl and helped her answer some of the questions. After a few tests, they had concluded that she was dead. 

The little girl watched her Grandma break into tears. She walked over to her Grandma and hugged her. She watched as her Mom was being carried away into the back of an ambulance. Her and her Grandma loaded into the car and followed the ambulance to the hospital. 

After a few hours, the Doctors talked to the girl's grandmother. She watched her Grandma while she sat in the chairs of the waiting room. Her Grandma walked over to her and sat beside her. “Sweetheart, do you know what happened to your mother?” She asked her. The girl shook her head no. “Well honey, she had a heart attack. She has heart problems and it caused her to… pass away. She won’t be around anymore. But It’s alright because I will always be here for you, okay?” The girl looked at her Grandma and burst into tears once more, but not the final time for that night.

*

I looked down at my phone to try as my final distraction and saw that I had several miss calls from my Grandma. I dial her number and it rings a few times. “Hello, Sweetie? Why didn’t you pick up? Are you okay?” She asked. I smiled a little bit. “I'm sorry Grandma, I was at the fair with my friends,” I answered not wanting to talk about all the times I cried today. “Do you still want to go there today?” She asked me. “Yeah, can you pick me up in 30 minutes?” I asked. “Yes, I can. I love you.” “Love you too.” I hung up. 

I tried to look for my friends and found them after about ten minutes. “Oh my god, where were you??” They ask me and hug me. “I got lost I guess,” I said. “Oh okay, well I’m glad you found us!” They say and laugh. “Well, my Grandma is going to come get me so I’ll be going now,” I said my goodbyes and made my way to the front of the carnival where everyone parked.

I saw my Grandma’s car and jumped in. “How was the carnival?” “To be honest, Grandma, terrible. I couldn’t stop thinking about her and that day…” I say as I feel tears sting the ends of my eyes, but I hold them back. “My day went pretty horrible too, I couldn’t stop crying.” She said. The rest of the car ride was filled with silence.

*

I sat at the base of my mother’s grave, pink lilies in my hand. They were her favorite flower. “You know Grandma, I can’t help but think it’s kind of my fault.” “Why would you say that? It isn’t your fault at all.” I felt the tears start to flow down my face yet again. “But I could have called earlier, or I could have been down there earlier and maybe the paramedics could have saved her or-” She cut me off. “Now don’t pity yourself. You couldn’t have done anything even if you tried. You were 6 and your mom had heart problems.” “but-” “No buts, She would say the same thing. She loves you still. She’s looking at you from above saying “My sweet child, don’t ever think it’s your fault. It never was and never will be.”

A ladybug flew and landed on the tip of my nose and then flew to the pink lilies on the grave. I smiled. Maybe she was looking after me. Maybe it isn’t my fault.