Painful Cycle

02/02/2019

It’s one of those nights again. The medicine stopped working its magic. Guess it’s time for a break to get them out of my system. More sleepless nights. Then again they were never rare. Add chronic pains to those and you get terribly long nights. You get used to it after the constant years. Nothing to do about it, but make the best of it. All of my daily missions on my mobile games are cleared. I am stuck on all of my console games. My body is too tired to get to my computer. If only it was tired enough to sleep, but you can’t have everything, can you? I did try to get up. It went well for the most part. I was able to turn onto my side and throw my legs to the side of the bed. I slowly moved myself into a sitting position. The pain which accompanied the usual muscle spasms, grew sharp at the transition. Anticipated, but it hurt no less. After a breather I tried to get to my feet. Then a radiating pain decided to shoot down my leg and compromise the strength in my leg. I braced myself in hopes of stabilizing myself and not eating my floor carpet. I tried scooting to my book shelf next to my computer desk, but I lost all determination. I wasn’t entirely sure I would make the trip. There was a good chance I would be stuck and unable to get back to my prior position. Waking my dad up was not an option even though he always told me to call if I needed help. Now I am in my bed and laying on my stomach with a pillow tucked under my chest. It’s not the greatest position to be in, but no adjustment eased the physical torture. The last thing I could think of was my journal, so here I am. Writing with the messiest handwriting I could muster and slowly losing sensation in my limbs because of my position. The partial numbness and tingling were the same. Just makes me want to throw something. The last time I did that I overwhelmed my muscles and aggravated my spasms. Okay, so my ribs are starting to wail in protest towards my position so I guess it’s time for me to stop writing. I will probably write again tomorrow. Actually, I mean tonight. I can hear the front door opening from my room. The rustling of my mom putting her things down on the dining table. It was one of those nights that I was confidant that I could work a graveyard shift.

02/02/2019

It has been a day again. I am writing on my stomach again. There’s no point to look at my clock. I’m pretty sure it’s nearly midnight. Mom left for work not too long ago. I have sharp pains in every part of my back. The pain in my lower lumbar is radiating down both of my legs. Both legs are tingly and slowly losing sensation again. My muscles in the middle of my back are twitching and making the rest of my back tighten in distress. The stabbing pain in my upper back between my shoulder blades are shooting through arms to my fingers. My fingers feel fuzzy. My ribs are crying for a change of position, so this is where I stop tonight.

02/05/2019

I couldn’t move during the past couple of nights. I am still struggling to endure the position. This is really one of the last things I can manage to do. Even if it is only for a bit. This time I am laying on my back and trying to write, my handwriting still sucks. My arms are getting shaky so I guess I will just go back to staring at my ceiling. Maybe I will look for something to read if I feel like it.

02/06/2020

The hours are passing slower nowadays. My heating pad is failing at relieving my tight muscles. My tail bone is burning and my hips are clicking when I move again. Moving my heating pad lower is going to hurt big time.

02/07/2019

My rib cage just feels like it’s burning. I have nothing to do but try to rub the pain away. I know it never works, but I guess it is just a habit.

02/08/2019

Inspiration hit me tonight. My ideas for writing have been flowing. Potential idea after potential idea. It helped take the edge off of everything. Hopefully I can work on them.

I dropped my smart pen. My very smart self thought it would be easy to reach for it. Long story short, I am stuck with half of my body hanging off my bed. Switching between my shaky arms to support half of my body from hitting the ground. Guess I have something to thank my big butt for. I just realized it was a bad idea to start writing on my tablet instead of my phone. I can’t reach it to call my dad. On the other hand, it’s almost time for him to get up for work so I guess I am just going to hang in here.

02/09/2019

My parents suggested the hospital again. They knew my take on going to the emergency room. They just always asked when my pain got to crippling states. It has been a week since I got got proper sleep. What are they going to do? Give me medicine I already have too much of? Suggest surgery? Done it twice. Suggest physical therapy? Thrice. Suggest a chiropractor? Saw two. Acupuncture? Two types. The specialists I have seen are stumped by my pain. They can’t figure out what is causing half of it. People in the emergency room are definitely going to know what is wrong. Not.

02/10/2019

I just want to sleep. My mind is numb and tired. Normally I pass out after crying so much. Nothing, Why can't it just stop?

02/11/2019

My mom wants me to take something for me to sleep. I have been an unproductive entity for more than a week. I am exhausted and just want it to stop. I didn’t have care to fight her. Now I am slowly feeling my eyelids begging to close. I am never one to decline them of that, so hopefully I can get some sleep. My clock reads 9:43 pm. My sleep schedule might just be going back to normal. Goodnight.

02/11/2019

So I was wrong about the sleep schedule thing. I did manage to get about an hour of sleep. It was better than nothing. Sure, jolting awake from your body sorely tensing up was not the best way to wake up. Then again I woke up. Now I should stop typing on my phone before it falls on my face again. It’s hard to catch things with a shaky arm.