Humfry and the Dragon

“No! I don’t want to kill him!”

“But you have to! It’s your duty, as the kingdom’s fiercest knight.”

“He hasn’t done anything wrong. He’s protecting his territory, and we should respect that.”

“He’s put our kingdom in danger, Sir Humfridus! He is bad news for us all!”

“Just trust him, King Godefroi. He is harmless, it’s only that we cower in fear at his presence.”

“Are you suggesting that I, the king, ‘cower in fear?’”

“Erm, no. No, Sir, I mean everyone but you.”

“You’re saying that my finest men also ‘cower in fear?’”

“Argh! No, I’m implying that we haven’t seen the beast for it’s true self. It could protect us, if we could make an alliance.”

“An alliance?! With that monster? No thank you, Humfridus. I do not believe that this blood thirsty behemoth is capable of doing anything other than burning our villages.”

“Please, wise one. Please acknowledge the potential behind the affiliation with the dragon. In my brave heart, I still think that this dragon is harmless. Sure, he has gleaming, jagged teeth, crimson red scales embroidered on his back and the most ferocious roar ever to be heard. So what if he breathes fire hotter than the sun? I swear, sir, inside, I can see the goodness.”

“Humfry, you’ve gone mental.”

***

“That’s funny.”

“I know, right?”

“What next?”

“Maybe, they go home and Humfry tell his mama all about it.”

“Yeah! That’ll be fun!”

***

“Mummy!”

“Humfry, my darling boy. How are you, dear son?”

“I tried to convince the king, but he refused to listen.”

“Well, you mustn’t have been very convincing.”

“Mother! Not helping.”

“Sorry, darling. What I mean to say is, he is a very stubborn king.”

“Thanks Mum. That makes me feel better.”

“You’re only being optimistic, why is he picking on you?”

“Mummy—”

“Not now, honey. I’m ranting.”

“But—”

“I said, not now. Who is he to tell you what you can and cannot think?”

“The king.”

“Good point.”

“Do you think I should kill the dragon?”

“I really don’t care. As long as you don’t get killed, and my roses stay alive, I’m alright.”

“Oh. Okay then. I think I’ll let it live.”

“Make sure it doesn’t touch my petunias, either.”

“Sure Mama.”

***

“What else should happen?”

“He could talk to the dragon?”

“Yes. Let’s do that.”

***

“Mr Dragon, Sir.”

“Raghhhhh!”

“I am Sir Humfridus of Tarradiddle. I believe within beneath scales, those intimidating claws, there is a heart pure as gold. I know that together, we can become one nation. Well, not really. I just need you to stop hovering over our kingdom until, you know, we agree to make an alliance.”

“ROAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRR!”

“Well, what’s in it for you, you ask? Mr Dragon, I can assure that your protection will be much more sufficient, if we come to reasonable terms. Poachers will no longer think they can attack you, and while we protect you, your terrifying presence will scare any terrorists or intruders away.”

“Ragh ragggghhh roaaaaaaar, rah ragh.”

“So you’ll do it?”

“Ragh.”

“Is that a yes?”

“RAGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

“Apparently not. No need to get your tail in a knot, Sir Dragon. Oh! I would really appreciate it if you didn’t…you know. Breathe fi—”

“RAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

“Ah hem. Sorry, got some soot down my throat there. I did not feel that was necessary, your fire blazing in my face. Luckily, I ducked and saved myself, Dragon. Imagine if I didn’t hide behind that rock! I would be as dead as a doormat!”

“Raaaaaaaghhhhhhh.”

“That sounds like you want me dead.”

“Raaahhh.”

“Oh. In that case, you’ll have to know the consequences.”

“Rah rah ragh?”

“Yes, Mister Dragon. Consequences. You see, the king has ordered that I kill you, with this very blade. Quite beautiful, isn’t she? So, if you refuse to cooperate, my sword will lose her beauty as I penetrate your rough skin.”

“Rah rah ragh roaaaar?”

“Now you want to cooperate. Hmmm….”

“Raghhhh?”

“Haha. No need to keep begging for mercy, Dragon. The only reason you’re still breathing your smoky air is because of my self-esteem. I told everyone that you were good inside, but turns out you want us to either leave, or die. So, it doesn’t seem like you’re very nice, but I don’t want to go back, and have everyone tell me I’m wrong. Therefore, I spare your life.”

“Rahhhh.”

“You’re welcome.”

***

“Okay, so now he’s made the deal with the dragon, where should he go?”

“Hmmm…he could go back to the king?”

“Yes, he can tell him all about the dragon.”

***

“King Godefroi!”

“Humfridus! Did you get help?”

“Help with what?”

“Your mentality.”

“Erm, no. In fact, I have come back with excellent news.”

“Go on, then.”

“Alright. I have managed to convince the shrewd beast to join our forces.”

“Really? Whatever did you do to convince it?” 

“I killed it with kindness, of course.”

“Humfry, I know you well enough to know that ‘killing it with kindness’ never works. Tell me, Humfry, what did you do?”

“You see, oh great king, it was not taking my suggestions into consideration, so I decided to take out Bertha.”

“The Bertha that runs the bakery with the good croissants?”

“No, the other Bertha.”

“Which other Bertha?”

“My trusted blade, Bertha.”

“Ahhh, yes. That Bertha.”

“I told him I would risk Bertha’s beauty by covering her in his blood.”

“And how did that go?”

“He shook with cowardice, my Lord. You should’ve seen it! Hilarious, I tell you. A monster, fifty times the size of our biggest warrior, pleading for benevolence.”

“Tremendous work, Sir Humfridus. I am proud to call you one of my knights.”

“Thank you for your kind words, Sir.”

“One question, Humfry.”

“Anything, good King?”

“How do we know it isn’t to betray us?”

“We don’t.”

“Excuse me?”

“I mean, my king, that I use the most powerful weapon of all.”

“And what may that be?”

“Gertrude.”

“What? Gertrude, the old hag that shouts at everyone that trods on her grass? I know she’s scary, very scary, in fact, but I don’t she’ll do much to a bone-crushing, blood-curdling dragon.”

“Yes, Gertrude. She’ll get her old lady cane out and start hitting him.”

“You serious?”

“Certainly, King Godefroi.”

“You’re not messing with me, are you?”

“No, sir.”

“What a stupid idea!”

“But sir! We mustn’t murder it! We need its protection; we need its daunting personality to preserve our land. We can use it to our advantage!”

“Humfridus, I’m seriously concerned. You are supposedly my most savage knight, my strongest warrior, and you’re telling me, that old granny Gertrude can hit this dragon with her petite three-foot stick? I tell you, Humfry, you need help. And quickly too.”

“Sir, I believe you’re over-reacting.”

“No one tells me if I’m over-reacting, especially not some loony guard who is scared of getting demolished by a dragon.”

“Sorry Sir.”

“Don’t apologise, just go and get some help!”

“Alright, then. Bye bye!”

“Wait!”

“Yes?”

“Humfry, is that the dragon you spoke to, outside?”

“Does he have spiky white teeth, a spiny tail dipped in a scarlet red? Oh, does he shiny skin?”

“Yes, yes and yes.”

“Yes! That is him! He has come to protect us!”

“Protect us from what?”

“Not sure.”

“Humfry! He’s destroying the village!”

“Oh dear.”

“What shall we do? Go out there and fight him.”

“No. Get Gertrude to do it!”

***

“I like Gertrude.”

“Me too. She’s a cool old granny.”

“Yeah. I wish Gran was like that.”

“Same. Then she can hit anyone who annoys us!”

“That would be awesome.”

“Elsie! Cameron!”

“Yes Mummy?”

“Dinner time!”

“We haven’t finished playing though!”

“Your dinner is getting cold, darlings.”

“Alright then.”

“What were you playing?”

“Humfry and the Dragon.”