Brothers

"I dare you to jump in from that rock up there!" Taylor points towards the cliffedge and gestures for Garth to follow him. They race towards it, giggling with excitement.

***

I'm sitting by myself again, watching the world go by and thinking about my brother, Garth. He died when he was thirteen years old. I was ten at the time. We use to play here as kids and the world felt so much kinder then. No worries. Just me and my cool big brother, playing pirates or cops and robbers. Mum and dad sat laughing at our crazy stunts and silly games. God, what I'd give to hear them laugh again. It's been seven years since that life changing day. When the sea took my brother and the world stopped turning. I'll never forget the sound of my mums screams or my dads blank expression which quickly turned to panic and finally despair. Now I come here to feel closer to Garth. The beach is too overwhelming, I still can't bring myself to go there. So I settle for the park and reminisce about the good old days.

As I blink back tears, I spot her. Her hair the colour of fire, whipping gently in the breeze as she flicks through a book. Head down, consumed by whatever it is she's reading. She looks up and catches my eye. I freeze, not knowing whether to quickly look away or meet her gaze with a classic awkward half smile. I decide on neither and rather clumsily lift my arm up in the air and wave. She smiles at that. Phew, not a complete failure then. She folds the corner of the page she's on, slaps the book shut and stands. I'm hoping she turns towards the park gates, I didn't plan on having an actual conversation but sure enough she starts to walk towards me. My heart beats a million miles a minute. Babum. Babum. Babum. What do I say? How do I say it? Do I play it cool? Do I... No time to finish that thought, she's stood in front of me. Her smile almost as pretty as her bright blue eyes. Freckles that caress her delicate soft pale complexion. She's beautiful and I'm lost in it. Finally she breaks the silence.

"I've wanted to say hi for a while now" she admits. "I just didnt know how, y'know?" I shift uncomfortably in my seat. Thinking of the perfect thing to say but my heads a mess and I feel like a newborn baby who doesn't know anything but babbles. She stares at me for a second, then smiles again.

"I'm Annabella. Everyone calls me Bella though. I know, how original. Better than Anna though, reminds me of an old English queen or something." She let's out a short laugh then continues. "What's your name?"

I'm relieved. I know how to answer this one.

"Hayden. And everyone calls me Hayden" I regret the sentence the minute it leaves my mouth. The fleeting smile that came across my face turning to shame. I cringe and stare down at the ground.

"I'm sorry." I mumble. "That was my attempt at a joke... I wasn't trying to sound like a complete jerk... I... erm..."

"Don't be silly." Bella chuckles softly. "Well Hayden, I couldn't help but notice you're here most days. Alone. Like me. I guess I thought it would be nice to introduce myself. I love your style, I've always wanted a pair of nike trainers but my mum says they're for boys." Bella shuffles her feet around in the dirt to showcase her white sandals donned with a single cream coloured flower in the centre.

"I hate these. Soon as I'm eighteen I'm outta here. Trainers and jeans galore."

"I think they look nice" I shrug. Bella sits down beside me and the conversation starts to flow. We talk about everything and anything. From our favourite music and movies, to our thoughts of the universe and all the mysteries of this beautiful planet we call earth. I get lost in her eyes a few times but a quick nod and smile seems to do the trick and she's none the wiser. Before we know it the sun begins to fade and the air turns colder. I check my watch and realise the time.

"Shit. Its six o'clock. I've gotta get home. Mum and dad will be worried sick!" I shoot up in a panic and grab my bag.

"This has been... well... I've not spoken like this with anyone for a really long time, Bella. Can we do this again? Tomorrow maybe?" Bella rises, slides her hand into her pocket and grabs her mobile phone.

"Sure. I'm down. I'm glad I came over, Hayden, who everyone calls Hayden." We laugh and she nudges my arm with her shoulder.

"What's your number, I'll text you and we can arrange it."

***

We spent the whole night texting and I practically jump out of bed this morning to prepare for our meeting today. Trying on almost everything I own, landing on a pair of black skinny jeans, black adidas jumper and my favourite white beany hat. Not forgetting my nike trainers. Wishing I wasn't a giant with feet the size of banana boats; I'd of given them to her if I could. A splash of dads cologne and I'm ready. We text the entire time, she's just as excited. I can't believe how comfortable I am. A permanent smile plastered across my face since that first conversation. A feeling I've not felt in a very long time. Happiness. I sigh. I've missed this.

***

Two weeks have passed since that first meet in the park. We've not left each others side and the times we actually do part, we're texting. Endless and effortless. I like her, alot, but something is stopping me from taking it beyond friendship. She's too cool, too funny and honestly, too important to ever compromise our undeniable bond. I'd rather love her internally than ever chance losing her to lust. She's the only person that has managed to come close to how I felt about Garth. I can talk to her about that day and all the painful days that followed. She listens and she cares. Always knows the right thing to say at the right time. My love for her runs deeper than lust. Sometimes I wish she was a boy, or even semi ugly, that way nothing could come between us. Ever. After losing Garth I'm not prepared to lose anyone I love again. I'll keep my mouth shut and pray the feelings subside or she meets someone and I'm forced to move on. Either way, only friendship is on the card for us.

I race up the stairs and burst through her bedroom door. Her mum is so use to me now she doesn't even care about a boy being in her daughters bedroom. Bella thinks she's slightly relieved that anyone is even in her bedroom. Usually it's just Bella and her favourite book.

"Ever heard of knocking?" She shoots me a sly smile.

"Ever heard of a hoover?" I quip back, gesturing around the room and pointing to the floor.

"Piss off. Mums on strike and I'm not doing it. We're at a stalemate right now but she'll cave. She always does." She closes the book she was reading and places it on the bedside table.

"I'm just going to the toilet. Make yourself at home, not that you need telling" we laugh and I fling myself down on the bed. A few minutes pass and I start to scan the room out of boredom. The wardrobe across from me is bursting at the seams, one door slightly open to reveal a mountain of clothes and random bits and pieces. My eyes come across a pair of shorts. Wait. My boxers. At least I think they are. I walk over to the shorts, pick them up and study them more closely. Yes definitely mine. Same size and worn down in the same places. How on earth did they get here, I've never changed here before. Perplexed I scratch my head and begin to wander around the room. I notice another pair of boxers, this time not mine. Little by little I start to notice more items of clothing, all male, scattered around the room. I sit down on the bed and think for a second. What's going on. Does she have a boyfriend and hasn't told me? My stomach fills with dread. I know I said I was hoping she would one day but I'm realising now I didn't mean it. I'm not ready to share her time. I need her. A boyfriend wouldn't understand our bond. Things will change. I start to panic. Fuck. Fuck. fuck.

"What's wrong Hayden?" I didnt even notice Bella come in. She's stood in the doorway, glaring at the boxers that are still in my hand. "Have you been snooping through my things?" She growls at me. I sense fear in her tone but can't quite understand why.

"No... I... I was just sitting here and I noticed my shorts... well I thought they were mine but then I... have you got a boyfriend, Bella? Bellas face crumbles. Tears start to form in her eyes and soon they begin to cascade down her freckled cheeks. She comes towards me, closing the door behind her and plops herself down on the bed. She sighs so deeply I get a knot in my stomach. This is where it ends I convince myself. I'm fighting back tears now.

"Its ok Bella. I get it. You don't have to explain, you've done nothing wrong. I shouldn't have been snooping... I'll leave... I'm... I'm sorry" I start to stand before Bella places her hand on mine and pulls me back down on to the bed. She's shaking which tightens the knot in my stomach even tighter. I'm so nervous my mouth is dry and my palms are sweating. I can feel her nerves too and it's painful.

"What? ... what's happening Bella? ... Talk to me, please?"

"I don't know how to. I've wanted to say these words for so long but my mouth can't seem to form them. I'm scared Hayden." She starts to sob, her whole body moving in unison with the pain, shoulders juddering with every cry. My heart hurts for her, I've never seen her show any emotion other than sarcasm and belly laughs before this. Her sorrow shocks me into action. I place my arm around her bouncing shoulders and pull her in close. I cup her chin with my other hand and turn her face towards mine.

"Tell me, Bella. Whatever is is, I promise, we'll face it together. You're stuck with me, boyfriend or no boyfriend. No matter what, ok?" Bella inhales sharply and wipes away a few of the tears. She lets out a small forced laugh and squeezes my hand.

"You might not be saying that in a minute but thank you for trying. I'll never forget these past couple of weeks. I'll keep my head down if you see me I promise, you wont be forced to have a freak in your life, I won't put you through that. I'll understand when you want to walk away. I'll still love you." I have no time to even think about the fact she said she loves me. Only confusion and the lump in my throat are present now.

"What on earth are you on about Bel? I'd never leave you. I love you too. I have since the moment we met. I haven't felt like this since... well... you know"

"That's the thing Hayden... I don't love you in the way a girl should love a boy. I..." Bella shakes her head and gulps before continuing. I stare at her like an idiot, not understanding a word or what could possibly be coming next.

"I'm not a girl." She blurts out clumsily.

"You're not a girl?" I take my arm from around her shoulder, sit back and assess her form more closely. Smooth sleek neck, not a hint of an adams apple in sight. Delicate hands and soft supple lips. The outline of her bossom clearly visible, even behind her heavy sweater.

"I mean I am... a girl... but... I don't feel like one. My body might be but... I'm... I mean... I'm a boy. Inside." She hangs her head in shame and the sobs return once more. It all starts to make sense. The constant questions about my wardrobe choices, her fascination with my hair products and shaving routine. The time I complimented her on her ability to get ready quicker than most girls I know and her angrily saying it would take a hell of a lot quicker without her 'horrible long hair' as she called it. I cringe at my ignorance. All the times I ever mentioned her female form, the subtle remarks about her beauty and pretty eyes. She must have hated every second of it. I start to laugh. I don't mean to but I can't help myself. I think it's the relief that she isn't planning to sack me off for some hunky guy or say she's sick of my company.

"Bell... Bella?" I wince. Maybe she hates the name too.

"Hey. Look at me. Is that it? I thought you were gonna kick me out and I'd have to watch you strut around with some big burly man. Didn't think you'd be telling me you are the man." I realise this probably isn't the time for joking and I quickly stop laughing, squeeze her hand tightly and continue.

"I think you'd probably make a better man than me. Your farts are worse than my dads and your armpits could do with a trim. I thought you were half monkey when I met ya." I guess jokes are all I have right now but she laughs at that. Phew. The tears start to slow and her body relaxes.

"If you say you're a boy, you're a boy. I'm more upset you thought you couldn't tell me. Bel..." I start to say her name before I remember my earlier thought.

"What's your name then? Can't be calling you Bella now can I?" She catches my eye and for the first time since she entered the room I can see her start to relax.

"Well... I was thinking Abel? It's in my birth name and I think it suits me but I guess I..."

"It's perfect." I interrupt. Gleaming at her with pride. My heart bursting with love. I didn't think it was possible to feel even more for her than I already did but sure enough, my hearts swells and my insides explode with love.

I realise why she had been so special to me in the first place.

"I thought I needed you. Wanted you. As a girlfriend. Now I realise, it was never that... Abel"

He can't hide his joy when I say his new name. I guess he's never heard his true self through someone elses mouth before. I smile too. It feels good to give him that.

"Now I don't just have a friend for life. I have a brother." Abel starts to cry again, this time with happiness. I throw my arms around him and let him cry into my chest for a little while. I think about Garth and all the moments I missed out on not having him around. Him teaching me how to be a man. Talking about girls and sex and all the things a young boy might need to know. My big bro guiding his little brother into manhood. For the first time in the seven years since his death, I'm ok with that. An overwhelming sense of peace washing over me. I grin from ear to ear and pull Abel from my soaked shirt.

"I spent so long wishing I had my big brother here. Wishing I had to someone to confide in and show me the way. I may never have that again but you know what I do have, Abel?" He looks at me, big wet blue eyes staring into mine, face full of snot and uncertainty.

"A little brother. I get to show you the way. Help you become the person you were always meant to be. If you'll let me?"

Finally my life feels like it has a purpose again. My smile widens as I think about how proud my brother would be right now. He always accepted those around him for who they were, and stood up for what was right. That's what made him so special. I get that from him. I close my eyes and picture his face. He did teach me how to be a man, I just never realised it until this second. Now my only hope is that I can be half the brother to Abel that Garth had been to me.