Prologue

Wednesday - 10/04/2020

"I could still see the razor. It was so close to my skin I could feel it. Just one slash could end it all. I wanted that. I craved that death. I knew no-one needed me so why should I stay? To suffer the misery? I didn't want to. But suddenly, something tugged on to me, it's all a vague memory now, but I remember that I moved the razor up from my wrist to the upper part of my arm. I still have no idea why I moved it nevertheless I did. And then one-by-one, delicately, feeling all the scars take place, I put three careful, beautiful, cuts on my body. I saw the blood drip, it was bright red, it was cunning. It wasn't enough for me, I wanted more, I wanted to see the red, I wanted to see the scar. So I cut again and it dripped more. I screeched in pain but I kept going and at one point, I just- I'm sorry, Papa, I really didn't mean to-"

"Don't be sorry baby, you could've come to me, talked to me about it."

Motioning her hand, holding an envelope, towards John she said,

"I-" and her hand dropped. It just dropped.

"Liza? Liza are you okay? Liza? Doctor! Someone call the Doctor!" Ethan, her father, was breathless now. He- He didn't know what to do. This was the worst test of his life.

"Okay-" said John, her best friend

"HURRY UP! FAST!" then he turned to Liza, "Just hold on baby, I'm with you."

"The doctor's here-"

“Doctor please check her, she was perfectly fine but suddenly-”

“Okay, Mr. Ethan, we’ll try our best. Nurse please escort him outside”

“No. What? No- She’s my daughter. I want to look out for her.”

The nurse half dragged Ethan outside.

“Mr. Ethan, be sure that we are also here to look after Miss Elizabeth, please just stay here.”

Before he could say anything, the nurse was on her way inside the room. John was with him now.

Five minutes later, the bed with Liza in it was rushed to the ICU. They weren’t allowed to meet her. They were devastated, yet not prepared for what was next.

The doctor came out around 20 minutes later, gently placed one hand on Ethan and with the other he pulled out his bouffant.

“I’m sorry, she’s no more.”

These words just scraped off every last of him. Ethan collapsed to his knees, John reached out for him. I’m sorry, she’s no more. But the doctor had more to say. He turned to John.

“The last thing she said was give this to John,” and he handed out an envelope.

The Letter

Saturday - 11/04/2020

John wept for he had just lost his best friend. He tried hard to stop crying but every time he did, the more he cried. Today he built up the nerve to open the envelope that stood before him for a day now, and made him realize that Liza is no more.

He was surprised to find two letters in the envelope. One was stated as,

To the love of my life, Ethan

Let the heavens be witnessed this winter solstice.

Let these both universes cherish this conjunction.

Let these celestials groove around this divine pivot.

And let the holy grail be served, 

And wine be showered.

For it's our communion,

I, and you, my beloved. 

Celebrated by pagans 

From all around, gathered. And venerate. 

This unveiled virginity. 

Under the sky. Well-nigh perpetual. 

Blue. Purple. Pink and shy. 

And us! hibernated. 

With naked souls. In a cell. Mumble.

Isn't this the exact thing you wrote to me on Sunday? John I'm deeply sorry for what I did. I did- I do LOVE you, but I just did not have the nerve to admit it. John the actual reason behind me rejecting you wasn't that I was older, it was a very dark secret. John by the time you will receive this, I know for a fact I will no longer be here and there is a lot you did not know which is why I wanted to have my own space. After this you may not wish there was any other way this should've gone. But my love, I will forever cherish you.

Yours,

Liza

The tears dropped, one by one and it was all blurry but he managed to read it. She was gone. This was the mark that she was actually gone. He wished hard that she was here for him. She was here for this. But he immediately pushed this letter aside to the second one.

The five days of the happening

Sunday - 05/04/2020

I'm trembling right now. At the thought of this. John came in right now. Oh My God. What have I done? John just poured his heart out to me. I- I don't know how to react. YES, I do love him. But I can't tell him that I'm not who he thinks I am! He can't know. This was a setup, all of this. For him. To let him have a wonderful life. I have to break it to him. He is my child. He's not Aunt Mc Kayla's son. He's mine. He needs to know that. He needs to realize that the LOVE I have for him is different than the LOVE he has for me. He needs to know! But if I tell him, he'll want to know his father. I'M IN A MESS. THIS IS A DREAM. I'LL JUST SNAP AND THIS'LL ALL BE GONE, RIGHT? No. Please help me.

Monday - 06/04/2020

I know what to do! I know now! I need to tell him. And I know how. I'm going to his house and I'll have a good talk with him and he'll be fine won't he? Yes he will. He'll understand it wasn't my fault. He'll understand I HAD to give him away. I'm going.

---

OH MY LORD! He hates me! I went to his house and he's hating on me. He's crying, he's whaling after me. I hurt MY CHILD? How could I? I can't even begin to contemplate this. Why? I could've just told him the truth! I could have not been in contact with him at all. Now, I see my son, MY SON, crying while I sit in peace! I ruined him. It's all my fault.

Tuesday - 07/04/2020

I feel light headed today. I'm sorry I won't write today. I need to make it up to John today. We're still best friends. Actually I'll do that tomorrow, I'll tuck in today.

Wednesday - 08/04/2020

I took him out today. He told me I couldn't pretend as if nothing happened. He actually thinks this is harder for him than for me. I'm sorry John. I really didn't mean to. He said it'd be better if I were not here at all. Maybe it will be.

Thursday - 09/04/2020

Tomorrows the day. I'm sorry. I love you John. I hope you get this when I'm gone. Just be happy. Papa is your actual grandpa. Aunt Mc Kayla raised you as her own. Respect them all. Cherish your life my darling.

I'm sorry my darling. I really didn't mean to.

Your Mom,

Liza.

What? He read them once again, he couldn't stop reading. What just happened? He drifted into pieces. He was responsible for his mother's death? But how is he even sure if she's her mother.

All these questions. He built the courage to get up. And a knock fell on his door. It was Uncle Ethan. Sorry, Grandpa Ethan.

Sunday - 12/04/2020

Grandpa told John everything. He even had the birth certificate. Mom, Sorry Grandma Mc Kayla, was there too. She didn't object to anything. He was going somewhere now. Somewhere but here. Liza, his Mom, said to him, when he poured out his feelings was,

"John, I- Our age difference John. Please! I know you don't like me. I know you don't love me. I know you love Lita. Please go to her."

"But Liza, I-"

"Please John. Just go! You have no idea what you are doing"

So he was coming. Coming to me. Cause I might know. Know it all in fact. He'll go tomorrow he thinks. Grandpa needs him right now. He's going to Grandpa.

Monday - 13/04/2020

I KNEW EVERYTHING. From the start to the end. I did know him. I knew his mom. I am actually his cousin in fact. He was deeply engraved. He poured his heart out. He sobbed. I couldn't just stand there and do nothing! I am Litancia Flare. I have to fix this. Fix him. I could see myself falling in love with him, that moment, that second, when he was vulnerable, he came to me. He stopped sobbing now.

"Everything happens for a reason John. And even if you did not know this all, do you really believe Aunt Liza would have wanted to see you like this? No, she'd want to see you smiling. Don't hurt her in her grave. Please just bring up a smile. Not for me, for HER"

He forced a smile. It was a fake one. But for now it had kept him steady. I brought him food moments later but he had slept on my bed. I let him. I slept on the velvet carpet on the floor. He looked sad. He WAS sad. But maybe this night, the realization may come to him one day, and he may be revived.

Tuesday - 14/04/2020

I woke up to find lips hooked on to my lips! What was happening? Who was it? I pushed back. John?

"I- I'm sorry. I didn't mean to."

He wasn't in his senses. He was high on alcohol. I could see that. After he napped for a while he woke up scared. I was by my bedside. He started weeping and apologizing. He was broken. Shattered. He needed me.

"John. John. JOHN! Listen to me. Here. Look at me. Face me."

"I'm jut overwhelmed Lita- I-"

"John. To experience all of these emotions is what makes us human.

What if we could take off the label of negative emotions? What if they weren’t

bad? What if they were all just emotions? Negative. Positive. Neutral. We have all

sorts of different emotions. John. Just feel them. Listen to them. Acknowledge,

honor, accept them. Seek to understand what they are trying to tell us, so we

can harness them to live our best lives. But that does not mean that you let them

off easy instead take the opportunity and deal with them and fight them."

"But it's not that easy."

"It never is. If life was easy, John, then nobody would be unhappy. But what you do need to remember is what my nana always told me 'Remember that harsh circumstances will occasionally break us down to the

lowest of lows. But if we keep our minds focused on the positive, our hearts open

to love, and continue to put one foot in front of the other, we can recover the

pieces, rebuild, and fight back with more strength and determination than we

ever imagined possible. Your response is always more powerful than your

circumstance. You can either make negativity your strength or weakness but

that’s up to you to decide.' So John get yourself back up. Your response. Remember the world. It is made for you and you are made for it."

Wednesday - 15/04/2020

Dear Reader,

We are all a bit out of sorts, but life has to go on. We have to go on. So, Endure. I'm Litancia. I sit here and call you on to life. TO LIVE IT. To ENDURE it. For we are sent to life to live and let live.

Love,

Litancia (Lita)