Love Among the Spoils

Caution***References to sexual behavior***

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Chester! I am so sorry! How long have you been waiting!

Hey, Becca!  Relax, catch your breath. You’re well within limits.

There was a major accident on I-91 that GPS failed to warn me about in time.  I think it’s time to retire the bossy old windbag, typical government contraption. Anyway, so it would have been inadvertent and unforeseen, right, my being late?

Breathe, Becca.

I try but I can’t get used to how much of my life is determined by things utterly out of my control.  Don’t you ever feel that way, Chet?  

I’m feeling it as we speak. Now, breathe. Deeper. Now exhale . . . better.  Again. You will be pleased to know I made efficient use of the little snippet of time your technical difficulties allowed me. I exercised Article 12, Footnote 6 and took the liberty of ordering a couple of drinks for us.   Martinis okay?

Vodka?

Gin. Was it a good gamble on my part?

Do you like to gamble?  There’s a hotline you should know about. Remember: 1-800 ADMIT-IT if it gets out of hand.

I was just kidding, Becca.

Me, too, Chester.  Actually, you gamble pretty good. Gin is just what I’m in the mood for.  

And isn’t gin what you always order?

You noticed.

I did, and I also notice you’re feeling better.

And I think we’re both about to feel even . . .

Good evening, Miss.  Complements of the House, two Botanist Martinis with an elderberry-infused lemon-lime twist, and just a faint whisper of vermouth.  Enjoy.

All right. Who do you know here?

I don’t.  I have a feeling it’s more to do with the hit bars have taken since the BBI came into effect.   Now, they qualify for a tax break for any public acknowledgement of kindness and generosity.

You know a lot about this, don’t you?

Have to if you’re going to get along in this world today.

Right. So, is the end game here more for generosity or cooperation?

Both, win-win.  Speaking of a win . . .

Smooth.

So, let’s toast to generous cooperation and whatever that implies.  And the fact you’re breathing better.

It was just the race to get here, but it really started with my alarm clock not going off this morning, and it was dominos all day long. I know, I’m complaining, aren’t I.  I’m sorry.

Don’t be, you were within bounds. I would signal you before you went into yellow. I’d never let you get close to red zone.

Thanks. The new guidelines have me wound so tight, I have to remind myself all the time to watch what I say, what I do!

We’re still in the grace period, you know. 

Grace period?

It wasn’t easy to locate but it’s in the troubleshooting section of the latest guidebook. The amendments are more extensive than they’ve ever been in the past . . .

And don’t forget the penalty section. I get hives thinking . . .

You won’t ever get there, Becca. 

You’re right, sorry. What does it say then?

I don’t remember the exact . . .

I’ve got my copy here. 

Oh, okay. Let’s see . . . here, it is. 'In the event citizens are uncertain about what constitutes criminal conduct, there is a grace period in which you may appear before a local board to consider the severity of the offense, if any, and whether further proceedings are necessary.'

I honestly do not understand how having a social life has come to this. I remember my grandmother talking about the old days when all they had to think about was having fun and getting to know another person.

You probably shouldn’t talk like that, Becca, if it’s going to upset you.

Chet, come on. You are not seriously telling me you are on board with all these rules? Answer before you take another sip!

Got me. So, what’s really bothering you? 

Same thing that should be bothering any human with an ounce of spirit left in them, life has gotten so strict, constrained, there’s hardly anything real or genuine. It’s taken all the naturalness out of what should be carefree and fun, damnit!  There’s no spontaneity!

You are not wrong in a thing you just said but remember Section 16, sub 2a, do not over show your emo.  Try to keep the language down and in check, Beck. 

If your name was Chuck, I could rhyme too.

I’m sure and I wouldn’t mind hearing it, but right now no one needs that sort of attention.  Instead, let’s raise a . . . oh, I see. Thirsty. Would you like another?

Please and thank you and I’m sorry.

Don’t be. The discussion isn’t over.  Excuse me, two more, please?

It takes a lot for me to unwind, apparently.

Ah, caught in the act of being human, apparently. Did I tell you how amazing you look, by the way?  That dress . . .

Hmm, I think I’m feeling better now.

Good. You do feel wonderful . . .

Hello again. Your drinks?  And, excuse me, but Article 7, Section 2b, states: All forms PDAs must be conducted in such a way as to . . .

On your way, my good man.  You didn’t see anything. 

Actually, this time, sir, I might enjoy seeing a payment card?

Chet, let me get this round.

No, Beck, it’s all right . . .

I beg your pardon, Miss, this is only your third date and per the guidebook, the section from which I have just cited, the man buys the first round.

Well, and no, actually he did not, but who so generously did?  The MANager, obviously someone in MANagement.  To my way of thinking, that should qualify, don’t you think?

Becca, what do you think you’re doing? Where do you think he’s going now?

It’s obvious.  After having no option but to accept my logic, reason and payment card, I’m sure he’s heading for the payment terminal and . . .

Okay, think again, and . . . who’s the beefy guy with him?

Well, good evening!  I’m the proprietor of this establishment. I wanted to come by in person and say I hope you enjoyed the warm welcome extended as a congratulations on your third date and we hope there will be many more coming your way.

Well, that’s very nice, really . . .

Anything else, man?

And, young lady – that is indeed a lovely dress you’re wearing; nothing sexist intended – unless you require further clarification of the new guidelines – something we are, of course, mandated and would be pleased to spell out for you – I shall not intrude upon your privacy any longer. We want our patrons to enjoy their time here.

Oh, and here is your payment card back, Miss, unused. Goes without saying.

You win, Garcon.

Well, thank you both, and no, thank you, sir, that will not be necessary. Everything’s been great.  Anyway, here’s my card . . .

A pleasure seeing you both.   Enjoy your evening.

Thanks for nothing, you big goon.

Beck, you’re going to get us both ‘wrapped,’ you know that.

A wrist-slap is worth it if the crime is a crime.

What does that even mean?

This really is a great drink, I have to say. Oh, sorry. I mean if the cause is a righteous one -- and I’m simply fighting for the right to act normal, or . . . excuse me, BE normal.  

There really was a time when that was allowed, wasn’t there? I can’t imagine.

And then came the sexual revolution that made the 60’s look like a puritanical walk in the park.  Main stream sex trafficking, rampant rape disguised as entertainment, competitions, child porn defended! Half of the kids born during that time period probably have no idea who their real parents are! All that DNA.   

I remember D. Dapper being one of the worst but he was far from the only. Different forms of debauchery has been around since the beginning of time. He was just one of many catalysts to the end of freedom in relationships.

Yep, all a part of the great evolution of bad behavior.  Say, you’re a guy, Chet.  

Thanks for noticing.

What do you think about . . .

Can’t do that, Becca.  I can’t speak to crossing that kind of line. All I know is how I was raised and the world I live in.  And, just Like you, I hate the loss of being free to make my own mistakes – you’ll come to learn that about me, I’m an expert, I make doozies, but I try and make them a one-time deal.

Wow, Chet, that was downright coherent.

Good. That’s what I was aiming for.  Can we relax now and enjoy the night?

Here’s to joy!  Ah, I remember it well.

Cheers. Really?  And when’s the last time you felt real joy, Becca? What you would consider real joy?

Probably the days I can’t remember well because they were before I could read and comprehend the Guide. It seemed suffocating then and it’s only gotten worse.

Because the behavior’s only gotten worse.  They’re hoping this latest revision will make it safer for people to interact.

Did you read the part about the media that’s been banned?  Marvin Gaye! Why couldn’t they ban the polka! 

Shhh, keep it down, Becca.

Thanks for looking out for me, Chet, but oysters? Things are ridiculous and sometimes I just have to do something, anything. Why do our lives have to suffer because other people can’t keep it together?

I think it’s bigger than that. It’s the long arm of the harm. 

Hey, that was pretty good.

Thanks. There’s a ripple effect to the sort of trauma that comes from being victimized, not to mention everyone associated with this shit. It lives on for generations. The guidebook is only there so people don’t have to learn through their own experience.  It’s bound to save a couple people.

Do you hear yourself?  You didn’t happen to write this thing, did you?

Hardly. I figured if I was going to be held to this, I wanted to know what was really behind it.  Consider the source, right?  Women are treated badly.  Men are treated badly. Children are treated badly.  Animals . . . don’t get me started.  

Yeah, but now we’re all treated fundamentally sort of artificially badly.

I wouldn’t say all.  I remember you didn’t mind when I . . .

That’s a bold move, taking my hand like that with all its saucy implications.

Imply nothing, Becca. You know I like you . . . a lot.

So, what do you think we should do about it?

Talk about bold moves. Let’s consult the guide!

Okay, okay, I surrender!   Congratulations, you pass.  

Well, that’s good to know, but . . . what?

You’d better sit down, Chester. I have something I have to confess. My real name is Detective Maura Benderson.  I’m head of the Local Chapter of the Bad Behavior Initiative. 

Wait, what? You’re a what? 

I’m part of a branch of the government that works undercover to infiltrate any weak areas in the social structure and ward off the kind of destructive sexual enterprises that have threatened to break the human spirit for centuries. We’re trying to stop the bleeding.

But, so why am I . . .

Let me make it clear right now, Chet, you are not and never were a target.  Garcon?  I want you to meet someone.

And what can I do for you?

Chet, I’d like to introduce you to Agent Brian Pelham of the BBI.  He and I have been working together to make dating in our quadrant safer.  Chester Perkins just passed, Pelham. He’s ready to get his mark.

Congratulations, sir.  May I have your arm, please?

Is this what I think . . .

Now it’s your turn to breathe, Chet.  It’s just a tiny prick on the flesh between your index and middle finger and you are branded “safe to date.” You earned it.

Well, this isn’t what I was expecting to happen tonight.

Sir, could I get you some water?

Please, thanks. 

Are you all right?

So, who was the Proprietor?

Oh, he really owns the place. He helps us weed out the potential good guys. He was right about you.

So, was this like a job or something for you?

Please don’t look at me like that. It began that way . . .

What a lousy way to clean up the streets, by messing me up. Is this why you wouldn’t let me kiss you?  I can’t believe . . .

Sir, your water.  

That’s all for now, thanks.    

So, you’re a detective and all this time . . .

Three dates, that’s all we’re allotted to make a decision.  You actually passed on the first date. I didn’t have to come back for . . .

But why me?  Why aren’t you concentrating on the big players? I’m nobody.

You’re nobody until you hurt somebody.   We’re focused on gauging people before the bad behavior comes into play.

When did I ever show any signs of bad behavior?

Most don’t, Chet. It’s precautionary and, believe it or not, we’ve nipped a lot of depravity in the bud.

That’s hard to picture.

Good. It should be.  Trust me though, that GG you now wear is a badge of honor.  

GG . . .

Good guy.

What a world.

Making dates safer, one guy at a time.

Wait a minute, not just guys?

Definitely not. See that couple over there?

The redhead and the nerd?

Well, okay, accurate. That’s one of ours working undercover. The woman is a suspected Food Dater.  She dates guys for the free meal, never to be seen again. Tonight she’ll be busted.  It’ll be worth hanging around for.

Not for me.

What . . . wait!  Chet . . .

No, you know what? You’re just as bad as these guidelines.  Worse, because you weren’t honest or real about anything, all the things you complained about, that was you the whole time! You’re a fake! I was being graded on a test I had no way of knowing I was even taking!    

I’m sorry! I know you’re hurt, but you have to think, what’s a bigger invasion? Stealing a person’s innocence for their own sick pleasure? Destroying a person’s sense of self, grinding their confidence into nothing, their chance at normal life and love gone forever.

I get it, I understand, my head says I do!  But I really liked you . . .

!!! *** !!! *** !!!

Did you kiss me? Why . . . what . . .

I don’t think this breaks any rules.

Oh, but I think it might. Let me consult the book.

Don’t you dare. There are some rules worth bending.  I should know.

Oh great. Don’t look now, here comes your Garcon.

Detective, it is my duty to warn you. Article 11, Section 4c, reads: “There will be no fraternization between active members of the BBI and any GG graduates, lest the test results become null and void.”

Thank you, Garcon.  I have a bit of news. As we speak, I have been transferred to a different department.  I put in the request two dates . . . er, weeks ago, FYI.

You know, Maureen . . .

Reenie.

Hmm, I think I like that even better than Becca. So, do I really need test scores and a government brand to see you?

See me now?

I do. I wonder if there’s a place left where we could go and not be seen.   The right to privacy is barely hanging by a thread with all these eyes everywhere.  You sure don’t have to be a criminal to be treated like one.

Did you say treated like a criminal? Chet! There is a place I know. It’s part of the solitary section of headquarters. No cameras, no mics, no eyes except yours and mine. And I hold the only key.  You’re the only other person on the planet who knows that.

That seems like serious inside information to be sharing with a civilian. Do you really think you can trust me?

Is that a GG I see on your hand?  Do I need more proof than that? I am sorry I lied to you . . . if you’d like, we can start over, at the beginning.

Like first date beginning?

Like let the world spin itself out of control all it wants, I’m just glad I found you.  

Nice. Sounds like a song.

Careful . . .