Out of Office Romance

Out of Office Romance

Swipe, swipe, swipe.

“To the left, to the left, everything you own in a box to the left,” I sing aloud as I shuffle through boneheads on Tinder. The Queen B’s “Irreplaceable” seems to be my 2020 summer soundtrack in more ways than one.

Finding out that your boyfriend is cheating on you always sucks. Sure, it’s upsetting to find out by going through his phone or hearing about it from a friend. But it really blows when you suddenly get sent home from the office to start working from home and are greeted by your boyfriend’s name being screamed by another woman from your shared bedroom. I am truly amazed that Beyoncé would let her cheating chap pack up his things in boxes because I threw half his crap out in the street before his new trick could even get dressed.

Needless to say, he’s out, and I’m browsing for a palette cleanser. I have yet to get to the point of raising my standards since I’m not in any position to enter a serious relationship, so here I am, exhausting the coal mine that is Tinder, knowing it’s horrible for me and the environment, but digging deeper and deeper anyway. If not for COVID-19, I would do what any other respectable girl would do post break-up: go to the bar, drink away my sorrows, and wake up in a stranger’s bed. Alas, the good old days of anonymous hookups have been put on hold by this cock blocking virus. Therefore, I must resort to swiping through Tinder, and meeting these men at their disgusting bachelor pads that they don’t even bother to pretend to be ashamed of. I refuse to let them know where I live in case they turn out to be a serial killer, or worse. I do have some standards though, so many of these thirsty boys are getting sent to the abyss of left swipes.

Suddenly, my heart and my hands freeze. My thumb, so accustomed to the left swipe motion, has almost exiled a total hottie. Mark, 27, Veterinarian, bio reads: obsessed with dogs. Hmm, short bio, and I’m a cat person, but he’s a freaking vet! And just look at that curly brown hair, those sea green eyes… I can practically feel my eggs dropping. I swipe right, and it’s an instant match.

“Yes!” I shout as I get up from my home desk to do a little happy dance in my underwear. God, I love working from home. I can stick it to the patriarchy by not having to wear a bra, or pants for that matter. You can take your mandated modesty and shove it up your –

Ding dong, ding dong, my laptop chirps abruptly. “Crap. Who is trying to video chat me at this hour? I haven’t even finished my coffee yet! We don’t have a team meeting today…” I run to the mirror by my front door to assess how hungover I look. Yikes, I may need to tone it down on the Thirsty Thursdays. Ding dong, ding dong. “Yes, I hear you, I’m coming!” I shout as I stumble back to my seat. I look down at the right-hand corner of my screen where the purple Microsoft Teams notification box is screaming for my attention. Cory is calling you; it informs me. Relieved it isn’t my project manager, I accept the call, enabling video and audio functions.

Cory’s freckled face pops up on my screen. “Good morning, Andie,” he says with a knowing smile. “How’s your head today?”

“Oh, you know, as good as it can be considering El Maugs has BOGO margaritas to go and I have no sense of self control,” I answer.

He laughs. “So I guess you wouldn’t be down for a virtual happy hour later?”

“Are you kidding?” I scoff. “Everyone knows the only cure for a hangover is the hair of the dog that bit you. I’m in. Unless of course I’m swept away by the hot vet that I just matched with on Tinder.”

Cory shifts in his seat, smirk suddenly gone. “Are you sure it’s a good idea to be meeting up with strangers right now? What if they have the Rona?”

“As long as they don’t have an STD, I don’t really care. I’m just trying to get over that butt munch who left me for an amateur porn star.”

“I get where you’re coming from, and I hate that guy’s guts. You deserve so much better, you’re so smart and gorgeous-” he stops when he notices my furrowed eyebrows. “I mean you’re always going on about how hot you are, it’s kind of narcissistic, honestly-”

“Hey!”

 “-I just hope you don’t end up doing something you regret. If I lost my favorite coworker, I wouldn’t go back to the office after quarantine.”

“Cory, you won’t lose me. I’ll make every guy show me a negative Rona test result before we hookup. Satisfied?”

“Whatever, I didn’t call to talk about your extracurricular activities. I just wanted to check in and say that happy hour is at 5 tonight. BYOB. I’ll email you the meeting invitation.” He moves his mouse to close the video chat, but before he clicks, he throws me some shade. “And Andie, maybe don’t go so hard on the tequila tonight.”

I gape at my computer screen. Since when is Cory so protective? And judgmental? I ask myself. Our office friendship had grown in the last year. Before we started working from home, our cubicles were right next to each other, but we didn’t talk much initially. We first became friends after we both got a little too tipsy at the happy hour following our first quarterly finance meeting. We’ve been thick as thieves since then. We bonded over the struggles of needy clients, complained about our project managers via Microsoft Teams messenger, and lightly roasted each other as friends do when they get closer. I would even complain to him about my boyfriend on occasion. He never knew what to say when I went on my rants, but he got into the habit of doodling dinosaurs on sticky notes to raise my spirits.

I’m drawn out of my confusion over Cory by my phone vibrating. Mark has just messaged me!

Hey, cutie, he types. Not a strong opening line, but he’s hot, so I’ll let it slide.

Hey yourself, I reply. I’m not gonna work harder than he is.

You into dogs? he asks.

They’re cute, but I don’t have one.

That’s okay, I can make up for that.

Excuse me?

I can be your dog, baby. Take you doggy style from behind. I’ve got a big bone for you right now, wanna see?

“Ew, ew, ew!!” I shriek as I quickly unmatch with Mark. I delete the Tinder app for good measure because I am clearly not ready to deal with this malarkey. I sigh and look at the to do list on my computer screen. “Ugh, I guess I should get some work done and try to forget that just happened.”

---

When 5 o’clock finally rolls around, I pour myself a glass of wine instead of tequila to avoid further judgment from Cory, and click the link for the virtual happy hour. These things always start a bit slow because, I’ll be honest, a lot of these people are awkward as hell. But once the booze starts flowing, everyone seems to loosen up. I laugh with my coworkers about the crazy people we’ve had to deal with this week, and we even play a few games of virtual flip cup. We have our fun, but one by one, people start to sign off to spend time with their kids or their significant others. Finally, it’s just Cory and I left.

“So, things didn’t work out with the hot vet?” Cory casually asks.

“Let’s just say, he was way too into dogs for my liking,” I laugh.

“So you’re free this weekend?”

Is it just the wine talking or are his freckles super cute? Has he always been this cute? I wonder to myself. “Yup, my phone isn’t exactly exploding with notifications these days,” I reply.

“Huh,” is all he says in response. We both take a sip of our drinks to fill the awkward silence.

After a second, we both start to talk at the same time.

“Well I’d better-” I start.

“Would you wanna go out with me?” he asks.

Taken aback, I ask, “What did you just say? I think my connection is weird.”

“I asked if you would want to go out. With me. This weekend?” He starts to blush.

I consider him: my coworker, my friend. The guy who always manages to make me crack a smile on the worst workdays. The guy who organizes virtual happy hours to keep the office connected even when we’re teleworking. The guy who listened to me complain about my idiot ex-boyfriend and cheered me up with sticky note doodles. “Yes,” I reply.

“Really?” Surprise and relief flow through his face. “I mean, yeah, great. I know this awesome spot with a ton of outdoor seating, perfect for social distancing. And their pasta is to die for…” He goes on about his plan for our date. I just smile at him, thinking how lucky I am to have a job that leaves room for an out of office romance.