Second Chances

After a long day of work I finally arrived home. I put down my purse, changed into my pajamas and heated up some leftovers from Friday. I had plans for tonight but I canceled. Since James and I broke up I haven’t gotten out of the house that much except for work. As a marketing consultant, it’s hard to balance a work-life schedule and still have alone time.

I sat down in my living room floor and turned the TV on. After zapping for a while, I came across a show called “Second Chances” that looked interesting. The concept is based on the idea that couples who break up and get back together a while later have a much healthier relationship because they’ve grown individually while being apart. I’ve always thought that didn’t make sense because people can contribute to their own personal growth while also being committed to someone, the two don’t clash. Basically, when someone wants their ex to give them another chance, they go on this show and specialists help them figure out if they actually belong together or not.

The first couple that appeared on the show had been divorced for three years but decided to give the relationship another shot.

“I can admit now that I took my marriage and my wife for granted. Something I’ve learned from dating after being married for the first time is that found myself making big decisions more carefully and trying to not rush into things anymore. When you’ve been married you know how it feels to spend all of your time with that one person and you have to know in your heart if you’re choosing the right person”- said the man. “That was the problem for me. No matter how many women I dated after separating, I couldn’t really commit to anyone because I knew Eileen was the only one I could spend that much time with and share that bond”.

I was surprised when I found myself to be touched by his words. It made a lot of sense to me. James and I actually decided to break up because we didn’t spend that much time together and that led to a lot of fights. Fights about how I focused too much on work and didn’t make time for him, or about his poor communication skills in not telling me how he truly felt, holding that grudge until our next fight. To the outside we were “James and Monique, the perfectly balanced couple”. I work for a great company and he’s a lawyer. We’re both very successful in our careers and have accomplished so much, but he never understood how much it meant to me to reach even higher. Although he always supported me, he never truly knew how it’s like to be a black woman in the workplace. He didn’t get how I couldn’t make a name for myself as easily as him.

But now, when I think about this man’s words, I understand how it’s like wishing you were sharing certain moments with them. For example, I knew for sure that, if I was still with James, I wouldn’t be eating left overs from three nights ago, because he always made me the most delicious meals whenever I arrived home late from work.

I kept watching the show and another couple appeared. They were in their early twenties and the girl was the first one to share her experience on being apart:

“I always prided myself on how independent I am and how I don’t need to excuse myself to anyone. But I came to the realization that I can focus on myself and my independence while also allowing myself to give a part of me to someone. I know that I can be single and completely satisfied with how my life is, but I also know that there is no need to deny love when it comes through the door. Our main problem was that I spent too much time worrying about my professional life and little to none on my personal life. I thought that his complaints were ridiculous and that, as a woman, I had to assert this dominance in the work place and not let a relationship hold me down. But that is all false. Being with someone doesn’t hold you down, it actually motivates you to be better and strive at your job because at the end of the day you know that person’s going to be home to help you relieve all that stress. And this is not to say that my experience is universal, because it’s absolutely not. I just think that there is always a way to make time for ourselves and the ones we love if we just stop being so hard and critical on ourselves.”

I had never related to one’s words as deeply as I did in that moment. It all made sense to me. James didn’t know how it felt to be in my shoes but, even if he didn’t fully know how it was like, he always supported me. He was my biggest supporter since day one and just wanted me to share more with him.

Like the time he had made me a special dinner the day I got my promotion and I bailed because I stayed in the office late. When I was late to his birthday party he even saved me a slice of cake, even though he was hurt. Yes, we fought, but it was because I wasn’t thinking about how he was feeling and he didn’t want to seem controlling for sharing those concerns. I know now that I can keep my independence while also letting someone take care of me sometimes.

When I finished the episode I was happy because both couples got back together and I was able to take on a different approach and reevaluate my perspective. I deliberated for a while and came to the conclusion that our time apart was good and that we don’t need to actually be broken up, we just need to compromise and learn how to understand each other’s feelings better.

I picked up the phone and called James. Maybe we deserve a second chance.