Going Batty

It all started when I read an article about the importance of getting a good night sleep and how to do it. The article included the results of a study done at the Eindhoven University of Technology in the Netherlands, suggesting that the quality of one’s sleep can be improved with one simple step: before going to bed, open a window. Instead of breathing stale air, the open window will enhance ventilation and airflow in the bedroom, and reduce carbon dioxide levels, allowing you to breathe fresh air and sleep better.

I’ve lived in my apartment for several decades and never, NEVER opened a window in any of the rooms, including the bedroom. Even though I have air conditioning in summer and heat in winter, I’ve never used them either.

After reading the article, I asked myself, “Who can’t do with a better night sleep?” So, I decided to open the bedroom window. No easy task since it had not been budged for who knows how long and through how many paint jobs sealing the deal.

With the help of a hammer, I was able to loosen each side enough to open the window about five inches, allowing the cool, clean air to waft in. Enjoying deep breaths of refreshing air, I went to bed and slept through the night. 

There was one thing that was annoying and that was the flutter of the venetian blinds. You know the sound made by quivering slats as air prances through them. I recognized that sound and it was getting on my nerves. The next night, before getting into bed, I raised the blinds enough to silence the twitching slats. And once again, slept soundly and soundlessly through the night.

The weather took a drastic turn and we were in for the season’s unseasonal heat wave. To prevent the hot air from blasting my bedroom, I shut the window during the day and decided not to open it again that evening. 

The original article with tips for a good night sleep, also said not to watch TV, not to use devices – tablet, iphone, computer – but to read a few pages of a book. And so I was in bed, reading a book, when I heard a peculiar noise. There is a valance on the curtains in the bedroom. It was attached with double-sided tape. The other day, I noticed that a few little sections were unattached. I thought the noise I heard was part of the valance continuing to detach itself from the curtains. I looked up and nothing seemed to be happening there, but suddenly, a black thing flew out from behind the curtain. It flew across the room towards the door, passing by a mirror, which caused it to look twice its size. It was too big to be a moth and too black to be a butterfly.  At that second, I realized it was a bat. YIKES . . . A B-A-A-A-T! 

I quickly thought, “What would an adult do in this situation?” Then I thought, “Get me that adult.” I calmed myself down to think rationally. Aside from my reading lamp, the only other light on in the apartment, was the kitchen light. The bat flew out of the bedroom, and probably towards the light in the kitchen. I got out of bed, put on my slippers and on my way to the kitchen, I stopped in the bathroom for the can of hairspray. Why hairspray? I am abnormally revolted by insects. In a household hints book, I read that if you spray an insect with hairspray, it will stop it in its tracks, stiffening it, making it unable to run away, giving you time to get someone to dispose of it. While I didn’t know if the hairspray would have the same holding power on a bat, it was all I had at the moment. 

Armed with the can, I ventured into the kitchen and looked around. Thankfully, I didn’t see it. Fairly sure that it would not revisit the bedroom, I went back to bed with the hairspray can on my nightstand and I quickly fell asleep (probably to escape reality).

The next day, I looked around and didn’t see it. It’s an awful feeling to feel that your apartment, your home, isn’t the safe haven you need it to be. 

I know that most butterflies don’t have long lives . . . lots only live a few days. I thought, worse comes to worse, I’ll let the bat live out its life in my apartment. One day, in the near future, I’ll find it somewhere on the floor, after it passed away peacefully. I thought that until I Googled bats. The world record for a tiny bat’s life span is 41 years. Six species of bats live 30+ years. Most bats live 20 years. This bastard is going to outlive me!

When Viv, my assistant, arrived and asked, “What’s new?” I told her about my new roommate. She set me straight about the bat. “It wants to get out of the apartment as much as you want it to get out, but there are no open windows or doors. Because it’s trapped, it will not go to the light and risk being seen. It will find a darkish place to hide.” That said, I had Viv look around in darkish places. Nothing.

Viv, coming from the Caribbean, was not a stranger to bats. They hung around (literally and figuratively) by lights in and out of most houses. They didn’t bother anyone and no one bothered them. We talked about how good bats are for the environment and how they help control insect populations. Thanks to Google, I read about ways to get rid of one humanely, sure, if you live in a house in the woods, but in a New York City apartment, it would be almost impossible to do away with it without unharming the creature.   

A couple of days went by and I was starting to feel more at home in my home, forgetting about the you-know-what.  And then I walked over to a walk-in closet that has molding around the doorframe. That’s when I saw it. It was huddled in the curve of the molding, looking like a big, black egg.

“Viv, I see it!” I shrieked.

Viv said, “Keep watching it. In case it flies away, see where it goes.” 

“Are you crazy? I can’t watch it.”

Viv said the old, “It’s more afraid of you than—”

“NO IT’S NOT!”

In seconds, Viv was wearing two pairs of rubber gloves, and ready with wet paper towels, plus a shoe from a spare pair she keeps here. 

What did Viv do? What would you do? Batter the bat and throw it down the incinerator? Would you wrap it in a towel and release it in the park?  I don’t know about you, but I was considering moving to another apartment.

Tomorrow I’m having screens put on all of my windows. Meanwhile, let me know if you need Viv’s contact information.