Silver Lining, by Kymberly Jensen

Heather lived in a run down apartment that matched her look. Her grey-blue eyes were seemingly dull and lifeless. They had dark circles beneath what used to be vibrant eyes. She was tired.

Tired of making excuses for not answering her “best friend” Janie’s phone calls. Tired of her job, tired of her boss, tired of her Mother always calling and nagging, tired of her nosy neighbor Margarete, who lived next door and was always in her business.

Tired of feeling used by men, tired of trying to keep up with the rent, tired of shut off notices, tired of cockroaches, and as contradicting to her as it was, she was tired of her endless cocaine habit.

She looked out her window to see grey skies - that were as fitting as her mood - then noticed the clock was blinking.

“Oh great,” she grumbled “I hope I’m not late for work today.”

She grabbed her favorite plate with the baggie and razor-blade, and chopped off a big piece of cocaine until it was suitable enough for her to snort. She made four lines and snorted two of them.

The walls were falling apart, and the place smelled of old newspaper. It was dirty and musty and there was always a constant dripping of water from the rusted bathroom sink. Pots and pans were on the floor, from last weeks rainstorm. The apartment was drab and run down, and she did nothing to maintain it.

She hurried to the bathroom and jumped in the shower. It was cold, she barely managed to get the rest of the conditioner out of her hair before getting out. There were no clean towels so she dried herself with her cleanest t shirt. She combed her long blonde hair, did her other two lines, put on her work clothes, and a little mascara.

She worked part time at a sports bar earning tips bar tending and picking up men. She peeked out her windows and guessed the time to be about 1:30. She had to be at work at 4:00. She grabbed her keys off the table, locked the door in a hurry, and ran down the stairs.

Even though it was a cloudy day, she still squinted her eyes in disgust over the light. “I’m not ready for this day,” she said out loud.

She fumbled through her purse and dug out her phone and portable charger, and plugged the two together. Luckily she lived close to work. Only seven blocks down and three blocks over.

She tiled her head back to let the cocaine down her throat. She almost gagged on the taste on an empty stomach, but that did not matter, all that mattered was that she had it to help her through the day, help her talk to people, and helped her pick up men.

She hated her life and coke was the only thing she looked forward to. It was the only thing that made her happy.

She turned on her phone, “3:45?! I’m going to be late!”

She half walked, half ran as quickly as she could down the street. She only had about six and a half blocks to go. When she made it to Harley’s Sports Bar, she was out of breath, sweating, and her mascara was a little smudged.

She opened up the door and walked in to see her “favorite” manager Kurt. He looked at the clock.

"You’re late!” He fumed.

“Kurt its 3:59”

“Really? That’s what you tell me? I know what time it is Heather, and you know the rules! We run on bar time here, you know that you have to come in at least ten minutes early!”

“I’m sorry, it wont happen again.” She looked at him in desperation.

He had smirk on his face. “Your right it wont happen again. I’ve already hired your replacement. I can’t depend on you to be here on time or bother to show up. Heather, I have to let you go.”

She knew there was no arguing with him. Kurt was always on her about something.

“Turn in your uniforms when you can, and Heather for God’s sake get it together!”

Humiliated she turned around and went out the door.

“Nine missed calls?! God she just won’t stop!” she thought, eight were from her Mother and one from her best friend Janie.

Two unread messages were from Janie, telling her that she was worried about her, and the other asking her to return her call.

She rolled her eyes. If I were only half as good of a friend as she’s been to me. Janie was always there for Heather in her time of need, but the friendship was deteriorating. Heather only called when she wanted something, and she would go days without returning Janie’s calls, usually when she was on a bender.

She messaged Janie and asked her to meet her at Cocoa Joe's, a nearby coffee shop. The phone rang, it was Heather's Mother, Katherine. Heather rarely answered her calls, probably out of guilt, but when she did answer it was always with annoyance in her voice.

“What is so important that you have to call me ten times in a row?!”

“I’m just worried about you honey, that’s all.”

“Yeah well me too, I lost my job today, I’m behind on rent, and I’m getting an eviction notice any day now! I have no where to go from here,” she said in disgust. 

Always having to word everything correctly to avoid being hollered at, Katherine took a deep breathe and said,

“I know you don’t want to hear this, but it could always be worse, at least your alive. Try to find a silver lining in this. I worry everyday when the phone rings. You don’t look like yourself anymore, you’ve lost so much weight. You need help my daughter, please take it. There are plenty of treatment facilities that would gladly take you in for free.” She tried to hide the desperation in her voice.

“Mom, you know how I feel about those places! They just brainwash you into believing all their crap! I’ve went to those meetings before and I hated it.”

There was a moment of silence.

“Well Heather you may not have a choice, if your being evicted and you just lost your job. This may be the perfect opportunity for you to get it together while you still can.”

There it was another person telling her to “get it together.”

“I’ve got to go Mom, I’ll call you later when I can.”

Without saying goodbye she hung up.

Janie had messaged her back and said she’d be there in ten minutes. Cocoa Joe's was just around the corner, once she got inside she went in the bathroom and did another line of coke, a big one.

Still not feeling satisfied she did a little more, and then checked herself in the mirror. She went outside to meet Janie. Janie was already there sitting at a green table underneath an awning.

“So what’s new with you?” Heather asked nonchalantly.

Janie looked frustrated, “Oh you know me, work, work, work, and more work. And yourself?"

“Terrible, I don’t want to even get into it!"

“Isn’t that why you called me down, to talk?” Janie wanted to laugh but she could not noticing how gaunt and ghostly her best friend was.

Heather let out a long sigh, “Well I lost my job today and I’m getting evicted.” She looked down at her feet.

“Why?” Janie was asking a question she already knew the answer to.

“The manager Kurt, he fired me for being late.”

“Late? Well that’s no surprise considering how often you blow me off, I’ve been trying to get a hold of you for days, and you rarely return my calls anymore. I’m supposed to be your closest friend and yet you seem so far away, it’s like I’ve lost you Heather, your sitting right here in front of me and I still can’t see you. Your so disconnected from me. From everyone. I don’t even know you anymore.”

Stunned Heather didn’t know what to say, searching for words, nothing came out but a sniff.

“That’s another thing, Janie said.

“You think people don’t notice, don’t hear you sniffing that shit down your throat? Well they do. Your not hiding from anyone, but yourself. I’m sure Kurt couldn’t help but have ears! I don’t know you anymore Heather, call me when your sober, after you get some professional help!”

Janie got up and walked away, once again Heather was embarrassed. Her life was falling apart and everyone but her seemed to think she needed help.

Looking around at her empty apartment, she felt the same way. Empty and worn down.

She felt alone and overwhelmed, wondering what she was going to do. Where would she go? She had no one to turn to because she pushed them all away.

She needed help more than ever, and started to realize she had to help herself, her Mother was right. Feeling sad and exhausted she threw herself on her unkempt mattress and eventually fell asleep.

She awoke to loud pounding on her door. Startled she hid her plate with the blade and her baggie.

She peeked out the hole. It was her landlord Kim, a short Asian woman with a temper and a stubbornness that wouldn’t quit.

“I know your in there Heather! I seen you come in last night and I know you don’t wake up this early!”

She kept pounding about as fast and hard as Heather's heart.

Finally she opened the door and Kim shoved the eviction notice at her chest.

“Here! I want to give it to you in person. Now you can’t say you didn’t get the notice! I want you out in one week! You are two months behind! Too many times! I want you out of my apartment! I will call the police if I have to!”

She stomped away. Margarete had her door open the whole time just staring at her as if she wasn't there.

“What?!” Heather said and slammed the door!

This place is a dump anyways she thought to herself. Feeling in over her head and defeated, she did the rest of her cocaine, four huge lines. She did one, then the second, and put down the plate.

She called her Mother for the first time in months.

“Heather honey I’m so glad you called!”

“I’m ready to go to treatment Mom.”

“Oh honey I’m so proud of you, I’ll pick up and fill out your paperwork and I’ll be there tomorrow early afternoon. I don’t want you to feel anymore overwhelmed than you are.”

“Thanks Mom, I’ve been exhausted a long time.”

“Me too honey. I’ll be there to pick you up ASAP. I love you Heather.”

“I love you too mom.”

It was the first sincere conversation they had in a long time and she felt a little better about herself. She was looking forward to a new beginning.

She stuffed all her dirty laundry into garbage bags, and packed what she could.

Surprisingly it took her just under an hour to get everything packed. Feeling accomplished she grabbed her paraphernalia last, put it all in one bag, and threw it away down the garbage shoot.

The treatment facility was surprisingly nice, the staff was friendly, and there was a lot of men and women in the halls. She couldn’t help but notice all the smiling faces. Everyone seemed so happy.

Instantly she felt at ease. A reassurance washed over her nervous mind, and she felt relaxed.

“I’m going to be OK Mom, really, I am ready for this.”

“I know darling, I’m going to go now honey, I have some errands to run.” Her Mother looked a little concerned and relieved at the same time.

Heather smiled, “Yes Mom I’ll be fine.”

Katherine beamed, “Call me when your settled, I’m glad your safe. I love you.” And without hesitation she left with.

In retrospect, Heather thought of all the times she cut her Mom off short, hanging up on her without telling her I love you back, or even a goodbye.

Reflecting, she couldn’t help but feel terrible for all the attitude she directed at her mom.

Stepping back she could see just how much her addiction changed her life. She was here to change for the better. She missed herself. She missed her outlook on life. And here she was finding herself again.  

She finished the paperwork, and turned it in at the desk. The director told Heather, her roommate would show her around.

A few moments later, a semi tall, very thin, dark haired girl introduced herself to her. “Hi, my name is Tasha” She stuck her Hand out.

“Heather.”

“I’ll take you to your room, our room, and then I’ll show you around.”

They walked down the hall and into the last room on the right. “So what are you here for?” Tasha asked.

“Cocaine, she sighed, and what about you?”

“Anorexia and Bulimia.”

“That’s an addiction?” Heather asked herself out loud. “I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to offend you.”

“It’s OK, it’s probably the coke still in your brain,” they both laughed.

“Addiction is in the mind too, not just drugs or food. And when you come to a place like this you can learn to love yourself again, without the addiction.”

“That makes sense.” Heather replied.

“More and more you will see your in the right place.” Tasha said with certainty.

“I was losing everyone and everything around me, and I still didn’t care. Once I had lost my best friend and my apartment, I had to reflect, and I realized no one can help me but me.”

Tasha smiled, “That’s right! Your all you’ve got girl!”

Heather smiled, “I guess they say you have to hit rock bottom before you can look up.”

And that she was looking up. Finally in the right direction, she was taking back control of her life.

Her head was finally out of the clouds, not realizing as much now as she would later, that she was about to find her silver lining.