After, Love

She always watched him from afar, since the beginning of the year. She saw him in the hallways, watching her every move. She watched him back, her gaze burning into his soft hazel eyes. It was not just looking, it was much more.

    Savanna wanted to talk to him, but her shyness took over and she walked passed him, like every other time. He would watch her go before turning back to his locker, taking out his books for class. She could feel that invisible hands trying to pull her back, trying to make her talk to him. Even once.

    The chance never came.

    “He’s my cousin, you didn’t know?” Her friend Haley asked, picking up her math books and following Savanna out the class, “Your talking about the kid who wears the hat all the time and those black pants with red stripes right?”

    “He kind of also looks Chinese.” She couldn’t help but add.

    Haley laughed loudly, “Don’t let him hear you say that. He’ll flip.”

    Savanna didn’t want him to flip, so she kept the thought to herself, “He doesn’t talk much-”

    “Doesn’t know much english. I’m trying to teach him and so are his couple of friends so he’s getting there. Pretty slowly though.”

    She looked down at her shoes as she walked towards her locker, peeking back to look at him, just to make sure where he was going. He walked straight to his locker, not bothering to give her a single glance.

    Savanna felt disappointed, her heart squeezing in her heart painfully as she grabbed her bag and locked her locker. She went in search of Haley, who stood at her locker chit chatting with a friend.

    She bent her head and ducked into the crowd to give her privacy, passing straight passed him. He stared at her straight into her eyes before looking away, as if he has never seen her in the first place. Savanna swallowed hard before licking her lips and walking downstairs to the cafeteria.

    The days she ate alone, she sat on her phone, thinking of ways that would make him look at her, even once. Spill something on him? Trip him? Bump with him in the hallways? She thought of all the cliche things she could do to make him notice her and talk to her just once.

    Just once. She thought.

    But she was sure he would realize it was all on purpose to make him notice her, especially after all those days of looking at him in the halls and stalking him online. She had made sure to follow him on all his social media, and even getting snapchat for his sake. She was ready to do whatever it took for him to notice her.

    As Savanna ate her lunch, she thought about how her tiny crush was making her go crazy. How she was hell bent on making the boy notice her no matter what. What would someone say if they truly knew what she was doing? If they ever heard what she wanted to do?

    Savanna didn’t even know the boys name but she was too afraid to ask her friend his name. Would she figure out that she liked him? Would she piece the clues together and make fun of her? Would she end up telling her cousin who in return would mock her in front of her whole school?

    It was half way through lunch period when Haley sat down across from Savanna and shot her a look, “I’m sorry. I got caught up in the office for something.”

    “That’s fine,” She tried to give her a smile and put her phone on the table, trying to approach her with the question she needed to know the answer of, “So what did you say your cousin’s name was?”

    Haley looked distracted for a split second before she looked up from her tray of lunch and said, “His name is Owen.”

    “Right,” She ate another spoonful of pasta.

    She could talk about him all day and nonstop. Yes-at one moment she would get tired of him, but it wasn’t now or anytime close. She felt clingy and she felt like a stalker. And she didn’t like that. She just wanted him to like her back.

    “Yeah. So, why are you so interested in my cousin all of a sudden? You never cared before.”

    Savanna froze, trying to think of something to say that would throw her off her trail, “I think I’ve seen him before,” She lied the best she could, “I’m trying to figure out where.”

    Haley laughed, “Wow, if I were you I wouldn’t even bother.”

    The rest of the lunch was passed in small talk and small jokes. Savanna couldn’t get her the thought out of her head. If she didn’t do something now, she would never do something ever again. And that bothered her because she still needed to make sure he noticed her.

    So, she put her plan into action.

    Going to the cafeteria line up, she bought a coke, opened it and took a sip. Haley had left moments ago to figure something out as she had said and Savanna hadn’t questioned her. She had something to figure out on her own.

    She searched around the cafeteria, looking for the cute boy with a hat and those black pants, but found him nowhere. Her heart pounded wildly in her chest as she tried searching for him, and finally noticed him walking by, his hand slung over a beautiful girl as they talked and laughed.

    Savanna’s heart plummeted to the ground, as she noticed how genuinely happy he looked. Usually he was quiet and reserved, keeping to himself. And whenever someone came up to him to talk about something, she noticed how he kept everything short so they could leave him alone again. But with her, he was talking freely and she watched them with wide eyes as he kissed her on the cheek.

    No. No, no no no.

    Fresh tears sprang to her eyes, and she wanted to be anywhere but there. She felt as if she was stepping into their private moment and she felt as if she wasn’t supposed to be there, witnessing it all.

    “Savanna?” She turned abruptly at the sound of her name, searching for who had called her. From far, she noticed Haley approaching her, carrying a smoothie in her hand.

    So she had went to Timmies. Without her.

    Savanna felt even worse. She wanted to hide in a ditch and never come out.

    “Yeah?” She croaked, her throat feeling lumpy.

    Haley frowned, “Have you been crying? Are you okay? You look so pale!”

    “No, no. I’m fine. I was...um…” She clawed through her brain for a proper excuse, “I was choking. Nothing to worry about.”

    Haley’s frown deepened, “Right. Are you okay?”

    “Yes, of course. Did you need something?”

    Her eyes widened as if in realization and she cleared her throat, “I was wondering if you…”

    Her voice faded away as Savanna caught the two couple once again, making out in the corner.

    “I have to go,” She pushed passed Haley, dumping the entire coke can into the garbage on her way. Quickly, she ran out the door, not looking back, her heart racing a thousand miles per hour.

    Once she was alone outside her school, she brought up her hands, clutching them to prevent them from shaking too hard.

    She breathed in and out, counting to ten. She was never going to talk to him. She was never going to be his friend. They would never meet each other.

    Savanna couldn’t help but wonder if things would have been different if they had been friends since the first day of school. If they had talked about a month earlier. If Haley had introduced her to him and they became friends over the summer. If, if, if if…

    Closing her eyes, she put her head in her hands, no tears in her eyes. It was as if there weren’t any. As if she had used them all up.

    She was tired of being the one who had to chase the boy. 

    Next time, she silently promised herself, it would be the boy chasing her.