Bafts!

*contains profanity and alludes to violence*

~~~

- I don't think you should. 

- ... 

- I really don't think you should. 

- Get your anxiety under control. 

- Do you know the consequences of doing something like this? 

- Do you know the consequences of not doing it? 

- We could die. 

- ... 

- We could die. 

- So many more can die if we don't. 

- You're not thinking. 

- You're being selfish. 

- Selfish?! 

- Did you ever consider that we're here because we're heroes? 

- ...heroes? Do you have a God complex. 

- If we pull this off, we'll save millions. Tell me that's not heroic. 

- So you are doing it to be famous? 

- No... 

- The money? 

- Stop. 

- The glory? 

- You're distracting me. We have more work to do. 

- I don't think we should. 

- Now there's a 'we'? 

- ... 

- You can turn back but I'm going. 

- Don't leave me! 

- Go back the way we came. It's a straight shot to the exit. 

- I'm dizzy. 

- Breathe. 

- I'm so faint. 

- I don't have time for this. 

- Ow! Why did you do that? 

- You deserved it. 

- I don't think I did. 

- Fine. Stay here then. 

- Don't leave! 

- I have to keep moving 

- You're such an a- 

- Shhh... 

- What's that?! 

- Shhh! 

- what's that? 

- We're running out of time. C'mon. 

- What was that? 

- Not sure. It came from the way we came. 

- So...no exit? 

- Likely not. No choice but to keep it movin'. 

- How much longer? 

- Are you really asking me if we're there yet? 

- No, I'm asking you how much longer until we get there. 

- Here. 

- What's this? 

- What do you think it is? 

- Well, it's obviously map but it looks like my son drew it. 

- Shhh! 

- Hmmppphhhaawwaaammm 

- I don't know. Someone else, maybe. 

- Whhhhmmmpaawwwmmm 

- Shhh... we're fine. Just stay quiet. 

- Hhhhmmmmmm 

- Those aren't people... 

- ... 

- ... 

- Get off me. 

- Then be quiet! Wha... they're bats! 

- Bats? Wait, where are you going!? 

- Bats! 

- I...you...are you... scared of bats? 

- Of course I'm not scared of bats!

- You seem very scared about the bats. 

- Stop saying 'bats'! C'mon, let's keep moving. 

- Are you scared of things that fly? 

- No! I'm not scared of bats! Now shut up and give me the map. 

- It's okay that you're scar- 

- Shut. Up. It's this way. Let's keep moving. 

- Why? If it was just bats then we can go back. 

- Humanity's survival depends on it! 

- Oh really? Let's thinkg: we're in a dark cave trying to find 'the greatest threat to humanity' with a map that looks like it was drawn by a toddler, we almost got mauled by bats and now we're lost. 

- We're not lost. 

- Then where are we? 

- We're close. 

- Left or right? 

- Left. 

- The bat's went left. 

- Right. 

- Yup. 

- I mean, let's go right. 

- Because you're scared of the bats? 

- Because the bats won't go where the weapons is. 

- Right... 

- Right! 

- How do you know it's a weapon? 

- What? 

- The Corp never said it was a weapon. They said they didn't know what the threat looks like. 

- What else could it be? 

- A person? 

- A person? Really? 

- I don't know! I don't know what we're looking for or how our bosses don't know anything either. With all the money at The Corp, you would think they would have a better idea... or a better map. 

- We know it's a threat to humanity and it's somewhere in this cave. 

- Right. 

- No, I don't think right was right. 

- Are you saying that because of this dead end? 

- Let's backtrack and go left. 

- With the bats? 

- With the... bats. 

- What if it's a bat? 

- What? 

- What if the greatest threat to humanity is a bat? A megabat. 

- Do you hear yourself? Megabat? 

- It's happened before... 

- Humans are the greatest threat to humanity, and the things they create. We're looking for a weapon. A thing. 

- Whatever you say. Let's follow the bats. 

- Gggrmmmphhh 

-  You're so grumpy! 

- Will you please shut it? 

- ... 

- ... 

- I'm hungry. 

- We don't have food. 

- What do you mean we don't have food? 

- We didn't bring food. We were supposed to be there already. 

- What time is it? 

- Oh two hundred. 

- No wonder! It's lunchtime... 

- Lunch at 2 in the morning?! 

- I work the overnight shift. 

- ... 

- ... 

- What is it you do on the overnight shift? 

- I'm the custodian. 

- ...the... custodian?! 

- Shhh, you'll wake the bats! 

- Explain. Right now. 

- But... 

- Explain or we're not moving. 

- ... 

- ... and we're not eating. 

- I thought you didn't have food. 

- Explain. NOW. 

- Fine. I work as the custodian for The Corp. Do you know Dr. Merlin? 

- Never met her. Everyone says she's a kook. 

- She's no kook. She's a genius. Very smart. Is that trail mix? 

- Finish your story and you get it. 

- Last week, she was on edge. So I say, 'Dr. M, what's up?' 

- ...yeah? And? 

- And she tells me that there's new intelligence about some threat and all of the field agents are cowardly salads. 

- Cowardly salads? 

- She's a tough lady but she talks like an old timey movie star sometimes. Her expressions. 

- Alright... so how did you end up here? 

- Well, I told her that if there was anything else I could do to help her to let me know. 

- So she put you in the field?! Did you even have any training? 

- I got about a week of training with The Corp. 

- Are you kidding me!? 

- Can I have that trail mix? 

- You didn't think to mention any of this to me before? 

- I thought you knew. 

- ... 

- ...trail mix? 

- Here. Let's keep moving. 

- Mmhhmm. 

- Holy shit. 

- Uh oh... 

- No no no no NO! 

- I tolf you it was bafts. Hey! My trail mix! 

- Focus! 

- Why aren't they on the ceiling? 

- They look like they're protected something. 

- Someone. 

- What? 

- Look, there's hair. 

- Oh... no, nope nope. I'm not going in there. 

- Give me the trail mix. 

- Stop thinking about food! 

- Give it to...grrruhh. Maybe they eat trail mix. 

- Stop throwing it! You're gonna piss em off! 

- Look. They like it. 

- What're you doing? 

- They'll follow the trail of the mix! 

- Fuck this and fuck you! Stupid Corp putting me down here with a-- It's working! 

- It...well fu- 

- Cowardly salad. 

- Don't even sta- is that a real person? 

- I told you the weapon wasn't a thing! Here bats. Here my little cutie patooties. 

- Hey... 

- Yes, you are misunderstood little guys, no? 

- Hey! She's not real. 

- What? Who? 

- The lady that the bats were crowding around. She looks fake. Like dummy or a mannequin or something. 

- Oh no. 

- What? 

- That's... I think that's Dr. Merlin. 

- The kook?! 

- It's a good replica. Like in a wax museum. You ever go to Madame Tussaud's? 

- Focus. 

- I am. It's a good copy. Only thing is the ring is wrong. She wears it on her left hand. 

- Don't touch her! 

- Wow... 

- Did you just do that? 

- I think so? I didn't mean to. It opened when I tried to move her ring. 

- Why did you- is that a laptop in her abdominal cavity? 

- It's a transmitter. 

- Is that a countdown? 

- And coordinates. Do you know navigation? 

- I know that one is New York. That's Moscow... 

- Two minutes. 

- I think it's calibrated to all the major cities. 

- One minute, fifty seconds. 

- I can see that! I think it'll send signals to those coordinates where there's likely bombs or nukes or something. 

- The mechanism can't be communicating via satellite, there's no service here. 

- Yeah, not even the satphone's working down here. 

- It must be low frequency transmissions. Perhaps to another point right outside of the cave, which then likely connects via satellite. 

- Yeah, I guess that makes sense. 

- We don't have time to find the outside reciever so we'll have to block the waves from here. 

- You know a lot about radios for a custodian. 

- Before I immigrated, I was a radio specialist for my country's special forces. 

- I.. okay... I didn't know. 

- You never asked. 

- So what do we do? 

- We need to get the bats back. 

- What?! 

- They were keeping the equipment at the ideal temperature while keeping themselves cool against metal Merlin. If we can lure them back then maybe they can provide enough insulation to cut the signal. 

- That's stupid. 

- That's Plan B. 

- What's Plan A? We only have one minute! 

- Plan A is that I will try to jam the equipment with my tools. 

- Okay, what can I do? 

- Go get the bats. 

- What?! 

- I'm not familiar with this system so Plan A might not work. Forty-five seconds. Get the bats back here. Scare them and they'll flock to Merlin. 

- How do you know that?! 

- Do you have any other ideas? 

- How am I supposed to scare the bats?! 

- They don't like fire. Take this Zippo and make a torch from something. 

- I don't think- 

- Thirty seconds. 

- ... 

- Merlin, what have you done? I believed in you. Now you betray humanity like this. What a shame because you really are a genius. I have no idea how you made this transmitter but it is very elegant. I'm impressed. Disappointed but also very impressed... ten seconds... we're not going to make it. 

- Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! 

- Yes! Over here cutie patooties! Go to your mama! Go go! 

- Why are you in your underwear?! 

- I put my clothes over robot Merlin to try and damp the signal. Why are your underwear? 

- I made torches... 

- Good work. 

- Yeah. You, too. Do you think it worked? 

- We won't know until we get outside. 

- Let's go then. Here, take a torch. 

- Thanks. 

- ...  

- You were a very brave salad with the bats. 

- Yeah, I'm sorry I didn't ask you anything about yourself. And for slapping you. 

- All good. 

- ... 

- Do you have any more trail mix?