Cupid Knows Best

Trigger Warning: Mention of suicide and abortion

CUPID KNOWS BEST

The world is a truly strange place. Sometimes you expect oranges and end up with lemons. And then you gotta make a damn lemonade.

“Hey. What are you doing here?” Dylan asked as he walked into the shared space of their new office.

“Hey, Dylan.” Lynda smiled at her business partner from the corner of the room where she’d been curled up on the sofa, reading Miss. Taylor’s latest installment of - 'Love and Other Games’.

“Doing research, like you asked me to.”

“And how exactly are you supposed to find ideas to create an ad that will appeal to our female users in -- ” he looked skeptically at the name of the magazine. “Love and Other Games ??”

“Do you know why people use our app, Dylan?”

“Pretty sure you were right there when we launched the thing.”

“Do you know why it has become so hard to find love the old–fashioned way?”

“Because people are lazy?”

“Because people are busy – the amount of time people spend at their jobs has significantly increased in the past few years – which makes it difficult to just find time to relax – which is why finding time to go out on a date – with a guy you might not even like – is something that is becoming less and less desirable every day. Which is why Cupid is becoming rapidly popular.”

“You don’t have to make the pitch to me now, Lynda – we already have the funding. What we actually need now is to stay ahead of the competition. Which is going to become more and more difficult if we don’t innovate constantly and keep the people engaged – so that they don’t jump platforms.”

“They’re not going to.”

“What do you mean?”

“I have an amazing idea – all thanks to Miss. Taylor.” Lynda said as she held up the magazine, open to a specific article.

'The Art of The Wingman’? What the hell is that?”

Lynda laughed.

“Have you ever been on a date Dylan?”

“Wow. Much as I was a nerd back in high school, there were other nerds there too, you know. We ended up going out a couple of times.” Dylan rolled his eyes. “Which you know only too well, considering you set me up with one of them.”

“Wait – I did what?” Lynda looked surprised. “Ok so forget about that – you ever picked up girls at bars? For like one-night stands?”

“I – what – where is this coming from all of a sudden?”

“So?”

“Yes. Yes, I’ve picked up girls at bars. But not – often.”

“So who was your wingman then?”

“I didn’t have a wingman. My friends weren’t exactly what you would call experts at charming girls.”

“So see – that’s why you didn’t pick up girls as often as you probably wanted to. What I’m suggesting is – why don’t we incorporate a ‘Wingman’ feature into our app?”

“What do you mean?”

“So – the thing with most dating apps is the lack of transparency – which makes sense, of course. You don’t want random strangers to have all your information. But what if the information collection was limited to the app? So the app would know what it is you like and dislike and match you with someone who shares similar likes and dislikes. The second feature would be that the ‘Wingman’ will predict what you should say next to the person you’re talking to.”

“I don’t think people are going to be ok with some app deciding what they should say.”

“So we add a permission feature to it – the app predicts what you should say next, and then it asks whether you want to send that message or not.”

“I don’t know – you’re talking about complete permission to analyze all texts sent – I don’t think people are going to just agree to all of that.”

“But aren’t you the one who’s always complaining about how people are stupid enough to just press accept on everything any application is asking to allow access to?” Lynda sighed - “Look – I know it isn’t ideal – but – well – you did say that we needed to stay ahead of the competition. To do that we need to come up with something no one else is doing. And I honestly think this is it.”

"All I’m saying is - what you’re suggesting is damn difficult to implement.”

“Ok ok – you’re the programming expert – but just – give it a thought ok?”

“Will do. Just work on our advertising campaign for Christmas, ok?”

“Yes sir. Will do.” Lynda said, sending a goofy salute his way.

Dylan watched her walk away – the way he always did. Smiling softly despite himself – the way he always had.

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‘CUPID’ HAS BECOME THE MOST WIDELY USED DATING APP IN THE WORLD'

"So - how's the next Steve Jobs doing?" Lynda grinned as she held up the newspaper article.

"Not all that well - it's only the headline that's positive - Did you see what that stuck-up idiot Mark wrote about our app?” Dylan crossed his arms, glaring at the newspaper. "He's calling the 'Wingman' 'the greatest threat to human autonomy in modern history'!"

“He’s just salty because he’s no longer considered the ‘it’ figure of the IT sector. He’s trying to grab attention by being contrary. You know how these tech bros can get when they start nearing their late forties.”

“Yeah well. Let’s hope not too many people agree with what he’s saying.”

“Come on – let’s create your profile.”

“What?”

“Let’s create your profile. On Cupid. If you aren’t using your own app then why should other people? Go ahead – download it. Let’s see who it pairs you up with.”

“Wait. You say that – but are you using it yourself?”

“Of course I am.” Lynda flipped her hair over to one shoulder.

“And – who did it pair you up with?”

“A couple of guys.”

“And?” Dylan kept his face turned toward his laptop – desperately hoping that the jealousy hadn’t dripped into his voice.

“It’s actually genuinely pretty good. The Wingman feature predicts sentences that I actually would say – it even sounds exactly like me! You really outdid yourself this time.”

“That was kind of the point.” Dylan said, turning away to hide the blush that was crawling up his face.

Dylan turned his phone to show that he had dutifully downloaded the app.

“Perfect. Now just fill in the likes and dislikes fields. And then you’re good to go.” Lynda smiled “Oh look it’s matched you with someone.”

“Who is it?”

“No way! Oh my god – it’s matched you with me! Dylan look!”

Lynda laughed. And Dylan looked away – not sure he could keep a straight face as her laughter stung more than it should have.

They'd known each other since they'd been in kindergarten. And all this time she had never shown even a hint of interest in anything more than being his friend.

It had been so long. He should be over this by now.

He should be used to this by now.

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Lynda 1:30 AM

Hey

Dylan looked at his phone, surprised. The message had been sent from Cupid.

Dylan 1:32 AM

Why are you messaging me here?

Lynda 1:33 AM

No particular reason. Just thought that it was interesting that the app matched us. Does that mean that the algorithm thinks we’re compatible?

Dylan 1:34 AM

I guess so.

Lynda 1:35 AM

That’s pretty cool then isn’t it – that we’re already partners of a sort? That must mean that the app is pretty damn good.

Dylan 1:36 AM

It has to be – I designed it.

Lynda 1:37 AM

Ever so humble.

Dylan 1:38 AM

The next Steve Jobs can’t be humble, Lyn. That’s kind of the point of being the next Steve Jobs, isn’t it?

Lynda 1:39 AM

XD XD Love your sense of humor. Wish we’d hang out more. I enjoy myself around you more than I do with anyone else.

Dylan 1:40 AM

[What’s stopping you?

Cupid is suggesting you send this message.]

Dylan quickly pressed the ‘Don’t send’ icon. If only he were ever truly that bold.

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Four months later.

Lynda 1:30 PM

I was thinking.

Dylan 1:30 PM

Yeah?

Lynda 1:31 PM

The company party. You wanna go with?

Dylan 1:31 PM

[Like as just business partners?

Or like.

A date date.

Cupid is suggesting you send this message.]

Dylan snorted at the suggestion.

Yeah right.

He went back to sorting through the mail on his laptop.

But he couldn’t help looking back at his phone screen.

No. no no no. oh shit.

He had not pressed send. Had he?

Lynda 1:33 PM

Like. A date date.

Would you? Want to go out on a date? With me?

And just like that, Dylan’s whole world turned upside down.

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“OK so. You move pretty fast – I gotta say - I wasn’t expecting you to ask.”

Dylan looked over at Lynda. The sheets slipped to just above her breasts as she sat up to lean against the headboard to look down at him.

She looked just perfect.

The color of those sheets suited her skin.

They were meant to be. Dylan thought, feeling drunk on the sheer impossibility of the situation.

Or maybe it was the fact that he knew that she was completely naked under his sheets that was making him deliriously, euphorically, wonderfully happy.

“I – I wasn’t expecting you to say yes.” Dylan said, slightly sheepish.

“Was it you who said yes?” Dylan asked. Why did he ask? He was such an idiot. He wanted to take those words and stuff them back into his mouth. Sucked that there was no ‘Delete for everyone’ option in real life.

“I – what?”

“I mean – was it the predictor? Or was it you?”

“Oh, you mean the Wingman? No – I switched that thing off after the customer complaints started piling up.”

“Wait – what? I thought you said Sam and James had taken care of the auto-send problem?”

“I thought so too. But new bugs keep popping up.” Lynda shrugged.

“How many people have we lost?”

“Not too many – wait – Dylan – Dylan! Where are you going?”

“Let me just – the Wingman is the flagship feature of our app, Lynda. That thing can’t keep malfunctioning. I have to go fix it.”

“Right now? You haven’t even had breakfast yet.”

“I’ll have it on my way to the office. See you there?”

A strange look crossed her face – but was gone so fast that Dylan was sure that he’d imagined it.

“Lynda?”

“Yeah. Yeah. See you there.”

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One month later

“That stupid thing keeps suggesting someone else.”

“What do you mean?”

“The app. It keeps suggesting stuff I should say to some guy named Robert.”

“I thought you said you’d turned off the Wingman feature?”

“I did. But I keep getting emails, notifications – the thing won’t stop bugging me.”

“What does it say when you text me?”

“We have found a better match for you. Please switch to that person. This match is not optimal.”

“What the hell?! I never programmed it to say anything like that.” Dylan barely kept himself from shouting. “Sam? Did you do something? Your idea of a joke?”

“Hey man don’t look at me – I’m still working on that damn auto-send thing the app keeps pulling.”

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He shouldn’t have said that.

He really shouldn’t have said that.

Why did he say that? He didn’t actually mean it.

“Hey, Dylan – you ok?” Lynda’s voice pulled him out of the panic attack he’d been spiraling into.

“Yeah yeah I’m fine – just haven’t been sleeping properly the past few days, that’s all.”

“You sure you aren’t – you sure you aren’t upset about –“

“Not everything is about you, OK?” Except that it was. It so totally was – she hadn’t looked him in the eye ever since he’s rushed out immediately after they’d slept together. He had meant to apologize for being an idiot – he’d meant to tell her that he’d wanted to buy her breakfast that day.

But the window to apologize just kept getting smaller and smaller – and then it was just too late.

He’d fucked up. Spectacularly.

And then Sam had mocked him – and he had proceeded to word vomit like a complete amateur.

“No I know that – I’m just talking about your mom – she called – I think you had your headphones on and didn't hear your phone ringing? She said your dad’s in the hospital. Something about low blood pressure – I went to visit. Took care of the bills and stuff. I thought that’s what had you worried.”

Dylan looked like he’d been punched in the face – “I – don’t really know what to say.”

“There’s nothing to say, Dylan. You helped me out when I was in a very bad place in life. It’s the least I could do.”

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“Being smart doesn’t give you the right to be an asshole.”

The door slammed against the wall as Lynda stalked in, looking like a vengeful Valkyrie.

“I – what -?” Dylan looked up, startled. He’d been fixing the broken lamp in her office.

“I heard what you said to Sam, ok? About how maybe the reason my ex left me was because I was a slut who slept with anyone who asked - the way I did with you." her tear-stained face made Dylan want to throw something - preferably himself - out the nearest window. “I can’t believe I trusted you with – with – with how abusive my ex was – about that stupid abortion I had to get - I trusted you with everything. God.”

Lynda laughed. Dylan flinched at the unnatural sound.

“Guess that Wingman is good for something, at least.”

“What do you mean?”

“It sent me that recording of your phone call with Sam. Guess that’s the kind of person you really are, huh?”

“No. NO! Lynda! Just – please just hear me out!”

“I think you’ve said quite enough, Dylan. Quite enough.”

“I’m so sorry. Lynda, I’m so so sorry – I didn’t mean –“

“Oh, I think both of us know what you meant – exactly – Dylan. So leave. Get out of my office. Right now. Right. The. Fuck. Now.”

“Lynda please.”

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“Lynda. Listen to me. The app – it’s going a little above and beyond the call of duty – it’s decided it’s gonna play some fucked up version of god. I’m going to fix this Lynda – no matter what it takes. I promise you – I am going to fix this. And about what I said that day? I didn’t mean any of it. Not a single word. I’ve loved you since we were in kindergarten, for fucks sake. I just never had the guts to say it. That night was the best night of my whole damn life. You’re just – you’re just so insanely amazing – that I was terrified of losing you - because never once in my whole life have I ever felt that I deserved someone like you. Doesn’t justify what I said, of course – nothing does. But I hope that one day you can find it in yourself to forgive me.”

Sam put down the recorder he’d been playing the message on.

Lynda missed his voice. She missed the way he never forgot to get her exact favorite type of coffee even if it was never available at any of the nearby coffee shops. He probably drove downtown to get it himself.

Lynda missed Dylan. She hadn’t spoken to him in so long.

“I don’t – I don’t understand.”

“Cupid deleted this recording from your phone.” Sam clarified.

Lynda waited for the punch line. Then sucked in a startled breath when she realized there wasn’t one.

“Jesus – you’re not joking, are you?

“Why would I joke about something like this?” Sam asked. “The only reason I even know about this message is cuz he must have guessed that something like this would happen – he left another message on your home landline.”

“Did you – “

“Yeah, I checked it out. He wasn’t lying.”

“What – what exactly has the app been doing?”

“You know how Google shows you the most visited pages when you search for any topic?”

"Yeah?"

“Well, Cupid is using a similar grading system. It’s giving grades – to people. Or people that other people find most desirable.”

“Oh, God.”

“Yeah. I checked the database. It’s created this whole new table out of nowhere. Hell, I couldn’t figure out the purpose of the table till Dylan pointed out how the most successful people seemed to be getting paired up together without us having fed any kind of algorithm for that sort of thing.”

“It was just supposed to sort for similar likes and dislikes.” Lynda said, slightly dazed.

“Exactly. But apparently, the app decided that that wasn’t effective enough. You can apparently only have a fulfilling relationship if there is no wealth disparity between the two participants.”

“What happens if you uninstall the app?”

“You can’t.” Sam shook his head as he sank heavily into the sofa. “It’s become like some kind of virus. It re-downloads after some time.”

“What if you switch off the phone?”

“It’s got all the data. Wherever you open your email or put in your SIM card, it’s showing up again.”

“So it’s started stalking people??”

“Basically. Yes.”

“What does it want? Have you tried contacting it?”

“How do you make contact with a damn application?”

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'CUPID' CREATOR FOUND DEAD IN HIS BATHTUB

Mere days after it was discovered that the ‘Wingman’ feature of the app had sent texts to users encouraging them to commit suicide, the creator of Cupid was found dead in his bathtub this morning. Investigators have termed suicide as the most probable cause of death.

It was found that at least 10 users had taken their own lives after receiving these texts.

The company’s marketing advisor, Lynda Hayworth, was unavailable for comment.

There is an ongoing investigation into the way the company was using the data provided by the users. Many online privacy proponents are calling this the most dangerous threat to personal autonomy in modern history.

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