A friends eulogy

Deals with death.

This is not a real eulogy. It's written to look like a fake script to read from.

I've got a plan. If you've ever been with Chris in a situation that requires any sort of "critical" thinking, you've heard him utter these famous four words before. But more often than not, when Chris said he had a plan....he didn't really have a plan, or not a very good one at least. But that was part of his charm. He never failed to get you to crack a smile, even in the most dire of situations. Because we all know just what kind of "plans" Chris was the mastermind of; Shitty ones! I promised myself I would never share this story, because it might be one of the most embarrassing situations I've had the "pleasure" of being apart of, thanks to one of his plans. But...I feel he'd hate me if he wasn't able to make you laugh just one more time. 

Here's some backstory for those of you who may not know about our relationship. Chris and I grew up together. We met in 5th grade after bonding over our love for comic books. Chris was a DC guy, and I was a Marvel guy. He was talking to another student one day spewing nonsense about how Superman could beat anyone Marvel threw at him. I overheard, so I interjected with how I think Hulk could go toe to toe with Superman and win. But I didn't just leave it there, I was laying out the facts about Hulks abilities and how he can utilize them to battle Superman, with specific comics I would point to hammer home my point. Chris' face lit up when someone finally backed up their claim with comic knowledge as to why Superman would lose, instead of just saying "nuh-ah, this person could beat him". Fast forward 13 years, and we were still having these arguments! Now though, instead of in a classroom, it was after the latest comic book movie release we were there to see on day one. 

Chris and I would often make our way to our favorite drinking hole after seeing a movie. Just a stones throw away from the movie theater was a video game bar. They have a bunch of arcade games you can play, but me and Chris liked to test our luck against each other, as well as other bar patrons in "Super Smash Bros" on the TVs behind the counter. It's here we would battle each other for bragging rights, spending countless hours yelling at each other and the TV. "Will you stop sucking me and committing suicide?!?" "Absolutely, right after you take those multi colored shits and shove them back up your ass!" I'll let you guys be try and figure out who's who. When we weren't battling it out against each other, we were teaming up to take on anyone who would step up to the plate. Me and Chris didn't just like to play this game though, we loved it. So more often than not, we would win those games. We got so good that we entered tournaments on weekends, and won lots of those as well. 

Now, we're gonna jump ahead a little to opening night of the latest Avengers movie. We were both a little disappointed that Hulk didn't get his rematch against Thanos, but that was essentially the only gripe we both had for an otherwise perfect movie. We both teared up at so many points. Whether it was for an epic moment, or a heartbreaking one, this was our childhood come to life on screen, and it meant so much to us. Of course after seeing the movie we had to make our way to the bar so we could discuss the film, and have some fun. 

The bar was a little crowded thanks to the release of the movie. We loved it though, because they were all the same enthusiasts that we were just cheering with at the theater. This led to some great conversations between strangers over drinks and some smash bros. Theories were shared on the future of the Marvel Cinematic Universe, or MCU if you will. It was shaping up to be a pretty great night. As many of you may know, giant movie releases will often have a Thursday showing, which is when we saw it. Now I don't remember why exactly, but we both had Friday off from work. My boss is here, so of course it wasn't to have some drinks and discuss theories while playing video games with my best bud. UH-UH, definitely not that. 

This bar was also very close to several colleges. I'm sure many of you are aware of something called "Thirsty Thursdays". Well, there were plenty of college students there celebrating it that night. The two of us are tequila drinkers. His go to was a tequila ginger ale, while I'm more a shots kind of guy. The vibe of the place was on a whole new level of awesome that night. Drinks were flowing, theories were flying, and buttons were smashing. After being there for a few hours, we went on a run in "Smash Bros" that still stands at the bar to this day. 27 games in a row we won. Now, here's where the night take a turn for the incredibly embarrassing. 

We were both single at the time this story takes place. I had broken up with my girlfriend about a year before this, and Chris had broken up with his girlfriend about two months or so before that night. I don't know about you guys, but after being in a long term relationship, I think it's weird getting back out into the dating world. Chris was in the same boat. It was a shared awkwardness we laughed over, BUT you get a little liquor in us and the confidence goes from Stanley Ipkiss, to The Mask real quick....Shoutout to Chris' favorite actor Jim Carrey!

So two single guys....two drunk single guys are on a legendary run in "Super Smash Bros", when two young ladies who we've been chatting with throughout the night, suddenly challenge us to a game. One of the girls was recording on snapchat when they issued the challenge, and I was lucky enough to get a copy of it. Now being the gentlemen that we are, of course we politely decline. Why you ask? Well thanks to that snapchat video, we have this ACTUAL sentence that came out of Chris' mouth. And I quote, "We can't be responsible for laying the smackdown on the candy asses of you two beautiful women before we get the chance to ask you for your numbers, you may not like us after! I mean you've seen us shake and bake all night, ain't that right Ricky Bobby?!" as he holds up his fist up to me for an "explode" fist bump. Of course I oblige him, but it's all playful taunting. 

The girls up the ante by attaching prizes to the winners. If we won, they would give us their numbers, and a promise to hangout again outside of the bar. No brainer right? Easy deal. But if they won, then we would have to acknowledge them as Champs to the entire bar. Our ego was as big as you could imagine at this point, so we couldn't turn this down. We were known at this bar for our skills at "Smash Bros", so this isn't something that regulars, or the bartenders would let us live down if we lost. So we agreed to a best of 7 series. We'd never seen these two at the bar before, so we didn't know what we were actually in for. The characters we played aren't important, but it eventually came down to 3-3 series. The next game was for all the marbles.

Chris had been playing pretty well throughout the series, so his confidence was at an all time high. He pulled me to the side and said "dude....I have an idea". I immediately said absolutely not because I knew his plans were never any good. I wasn't about to sit there and subject myself to what would ultimately be the "icing on the cake" scenario for the two of us if we won the last round, knowing his tendency to tie it behind some ridiculous task that seems impossible to accomplish, all to entice the other party involved to take the deal. Of course, he bypassed me at this point, and went straight to the two young ladies. "I have an idea" he says to them. Now I'm at the point where I want no part of what what he's about to say, but I couldn't let our opponents know that. So obviously I backed up the tom foolery coming out of his mouth. 

"I want to raise the stakes" he says to them. I'm so confident we are gonna win, that we'll play this last round as each others characters". Now you don't know this, but I hate all the characters that Chris plays as, so I know right off the rip I'm screwed. He continues; "If you ladies manage to pull off the biggest upset since the Sox came back and beat the Yanks in a 4-3 series, we both agree to mount George Washingtons horse in the Public Gardens in nothing but our skivvies". Before I can say ANYTHING, one of the young ladies fires back, "NAKED....you have to do it naked". And again, before I can even get one word out, he yells "DEAL"! Now wait a minute....where's OUR incentive to win?!? He seems to have forgotten that part! Now I'm sure you can see where this is going. We lost the match. We had to stand up on the bar, and declare them the champions, before marching our asses across the street to the Public Gardens where George Washington and his horse awaited. 

All parties involved are pretty intoxicated at this point. This means that all worries about the ramifications of performing such an act were lost on us at the time. It was pretty late, so luckily the area was pretty deserted at the time. Chris started taking his clothes off while we were walking as we got close. He's got a nice body, so the two young ladies were hooting and hollering at him, and he was eating it up. Naturally I had to follow suit like this was part of our plan or something. Now I don't look as good as Chris did with his clothes off, but my tattoos make up for it I suppose. So we are getting cheered on, when it's finally time to take off the boxers. Chris does it without hesitation after giving me this wink that read "here we go man". I can't show any fear now, so I pull the boxers down, and hop on the front side of mister Washington, since Chris jumped on his back. 

So here the two of us are, butt naked riding George Washingtons horse with him. I'm hammered talking to Chris. "What was George Washingtons famous saying again? Oh that's right I remember....." Now at this point I stand up with one leg on the horses head with, and one hand holding Washingtons head with my hand over my eyes yelling "The British are coming, the British are coming". I'm sure you are all well aware that George Washington is not the one to utter those words, but I digress. Long story short, the young ladies were hysterically laughing, BUT also recording. They swore to secrecy in regards to the video, and I haven't seen the video pop up anywhere yet thankfully! So I'll tantalize you with that thought and let you paint your own picture for the rest. 

I've never shared a bond with someone like that, and don't see myself ever obtaining that level of friendship with someone ever again. Chris was a one of a kind friend that allowed me to be my truest self. I just hope that wherever he is now, he learns to keep his mouth shut when it comes to any bright ideas. Thank you so much for allowing me to share our story.