A Change of Heart

Dear Diary,

I think I'm in love with a woman. As a Christian wife, and mother this is complicating my once simple, routine life, and I don't know what to do. Her name is Lynnette, a widow and single mother. We met at our children's daycare. She has shown interest in me, but I have been loyal to my husband, unless you count thoughts. For the past month, we have coffee and talk after dropping our kids off at daycare. Sometimes we spend our days at the mall window shopping and talking about our dreams. She has even tried to kiss me, and I almost let her. She was not awkward about it, or even upset that I turned away. Instead, she was very understanding, she simply smiled kissed my forehead and said, "that's okay, one day." And she just left it like that. We went back to talking about our dreams and our children, our life growing up as if it never happened. Not once did she make me feel bad about turning her down, instead she has still been a loyal friend and there's treated me so kindly.

Ever since that day, not a day goes by that I don't think about her. Her laugh, her smile, her voice. I find myself waking up from arousing dreams of Lynnette and I together. The worst part is sometimes I'm thinking of her when I'm intimate with my husband. I've never had these kind of feelings for a woman before. Although I haven't acted out on it, I feel such guilt. How am I supposed to tell my husband? Should I tell my husband? What will this do to our family? I love my husband with all my heart, and I am still physically attracted to him, but something is pulling me to Lynnette. He has been so good to me, and I do truly love him. Can I love two different people at one time?

Lynette and I have talked a lot about what we would do if we could be together. I've told her that it would be impossible, at one point I even stopped talking to her. I went a whole two weeks ignoring her texts and phone calls. Her voicemails sounded so sad and she sounded so lonely. She told me she might be falling in love with me. Am I sinning? Even if I haven't acted out on this sin, is it a sin to want to? And if being a Christian means loving people and God loves love, then doesn't matter who I'm in love with even if it's another woman? I am so conflicted and I am so scared. I've never wanted something so badly that I couldn't have. I feel like a child who has been told that they can't have a cookie, but I was never thinking about the cookie until I was told I couldn't have it. I never thought about a woman in that kind of way until I realized said I was having these feelings and being told through the word of God that I should not be having them. Would it be like the movies when a man doesn't care? If I were to tell my husband that I have feelings for a woman, would he be happy and excited? I am not completely innocent of the world, I know that there are men and women who enjoy the company of other men and women in their marriages. Yet, I have always been told that they were Sinners that they were going to go to hell unless they repent.

I think my pastor may know. He looks at me differently when he is behind the podium. Or is that just my imagination? He talks to me about the love of marriage as if he knows what is going on in my head, as if he knows my dreams and my thoughts. Has God spoken to him? Has God told him my secret? I have so many questions, yet I have no answers. I don't want to continue living in fear, I don't want to continue wondering. I find myself trying to sleep longer to make my dreams of Lynnette last. I feel my heart and my body aching for her, a feeling that is so alien to me. Even on my wedding night, I did not lust this strongly for my new husband. During our courtship, I never had sinful dreams of us entangled in the act of love, I never looked at him and wondered what his lips would feel like on mine, because those were sinful thoughts and we were good Christian people. But now, now my mind races with the thoughts of Lynnette. When she speaks to me I imagine her saying my name over and over. When she takes a drink of coffee I find myself jealous of the cup. She reaches for my hand, and lightning soars through my body until I have to gasp for breath. Not only is this the first time I have had these feelings for a woman, but this is the first time I have had these feelings ever. It is sad to say that I am a 32 year-old woman and get this is the first time I have ever experienced a lust so strong my body is begging me to act on it. I feel myself with her, I feel truly, undoubtedly me, when I am with her. I never have to censor my thoughts, I never have to wonder if what I say next will offend her. Everything makes her laugh, everything makes her smile. It's as if I could do no wrong. Should I have let her kiss me? Would that truly have ruined my life? Or instead, would it have brought me to life?

It's it's more than just loyalty to my husband though, I fear for my soul. All my life I have been taught the Christian way. A good Christian woman never lays with a man until she's married. A good Christian woman never lays with a man who is not her husband. And a good Christian woman is not supposed to have romantic feelings for another woman. Does this mean I'm not a Christian woman anymore? And if God sees everything, including my thoughts and dreams, does that mean he no longer loves me? What do I do with these feelings? Do I tell my husband how I feel? Do I tell Lynnette how I feel? Most importantly, because of these feelings, am I going to hell? And do I even care?

Sincerely,

A good Christian woman?