What was lost

A gust of wind blew the "sticky" notes all over Jacob's room. Jacob lay motionless on his bed, as usual, and the call of his mother from the kitchen jolts life into him. His bed is situated in the corner of his room furthest from the door and adjacent to the window left open, "It's safer that way," he tells himself.

Standing up from his bed a few notes stick to his feet, the cedar wood floors creaked and were getting louder each day, Jacob didn't notice. Moving with his eyes half open Jacob clamored for the bathroom door, he sat on the lip of the bath, now seeing the notes on his feet.

Some crumpled, some torn and some barely legible yet each note said the same thing, "forgive yourself." The latest edition to the notes that were once sticky was written three weeks ago, on New Years Eve. "Maybe this year, Matthew." Jacob thought to himself.

Jacob cleared the notes from his feet, stood up and walked toward the bathroom sink, looking into the mirror Jacob didn't recognize himself but some parts seemed familiar. "You and your brother share the same birth mark", his mother Claire would always say, and it was true they both had a jagged half moon just to the left of their chin.

Jacob opened the white cabinet, now turning yellow, four shelves separated down the middle and each shelf labelled "Jacob" on the right and "Matthew" on the left.

Jacob brushed his teeth, threw water on his face and moved his shaggy hair east and west. After one long breath he walked downstairs only to be hit in the chest. Jacob saw streamers and balloons on every surface, cakes of every color were on the tables, and a huge technicolor banner read "Happy 14th Birthday Jacob."

While he was making sense of it all Claire walked into the room trying, that's it. She had gotten her hair done, put on a pastel blue floral dress and white wedges, her blonde hair flowed down onto her shoulders and she had "natural" make up on. Nude lips, contour and everything else Cosmopolitan swore was "in season." Yet everything couldn't hide her eyes, the only part that couldn't lie was screaming; a deep yearning from her soul. Mentally she was still at the hospital bed pleading and left to search for what would seem like eternity. Jacob noticed this, he saw the human being in front of him and a part him resonated with her.

Trying not to look directly at him she said nervously "I know we said we wouldn't do anything bu-"

"It's okay, I'm just a bit shocked", interjected Jacob, "I don't know why, but it's time, I just forgot. That's all."

"The guests will be here soon", replied Claire exhaling nervously.

Jacob nodded and went back upstairs to get changed.

Claire smiled, and then doorbell rang, behind the opaque and burgundy stained glass Claire saw the first guests to arrive, the large living room was soon flooded with neighbors, friends and family, all mingling as adults do at a child's party, the children were all outside; all but one.

Claire walked upstairs to Jacob's room with a gift in her hand, she paused outside the door before tentatively turning the handle, she saw the notes and a sadness took over her, the sadness only a parent can feel. She walked in and went to straight to the open window, Jacob sat on the balcony in the corner overlooking the street, and Claire joined him.

"I'm sorry, it's more difficult than I thought", said Jacob, he couldn't look at Claire.

Claire replied, "He knew it was going to happen."

Jacob turned his head, Claire continued, "The doctor said they couldn't do anything to stop it," she stared ahead "He was so strong but all he could do was wait." Claire turned to face Jacob, "He left this for you."

Claire showed Jacob the gift, a fairly medium sized box wrapped in white with red ribbons and a note attached to it.

"Matthew told me to give this to you on your fourteenth birthday and not a day sooner." she said smiling a remorseful smile.

"What is it?" Jacob asked.

"You'll have to find out for yourself, I have to entertain the guests but I'll wait outside your door. when you're ready" replied Claire, she then got up and left the room.

Jacob read the note "Hey little brother, I know this is tough but you are tougher. You're also stubborn so I made Mom wait until you were "emotionally mature" enough, knowing that would never happen I suggested your fourteenth birthday.

I miss you and Mom, but I wouldn't have it any other way, now I can truly protect you from everything and when things get scary take some strength from me. There was nothing anybody could do, forgive yourself. I know how it feels to be helpless, so I need you to live. Live for yourself but remember me, know I'm watching you and protecting you as best I can.

I love you.

From Matthew.

P.S: Write. You're actually pretty good"

Jacob felt the tears run down his cheek as he opened the gift, it was a ballpoint pen and a notebook. Sitting on the balcony he felt the cool breeze on his face, he heard the rustle of autumn leaves, in the distance he heard the cars and birds flying overhead, he sat there for a few moments before getting up and going back into his room.

He put his foot down and stood on the notes, Jacob began picking them up and throwing them away, before clearing his desk. He threw the remaining notes in the bin and placed the notepad in the center of the desk. Jacob picked up the pen and found the closest sticky note to him, he crossed it out and then walked toward the door, the floor no longer creaked.

Jacob opened the door, Claire was waiting for him, she hugged Jacob, put her arm around him and they walked downstairs. Jacob, smiling, as he shook hands and accepted gifts eventually went to play with the other kids.

Claire saw the life in her child and her eyes no longer seemed lost, for the first time in a long time she felt like a mother again, and her house like a home.