One day at a time of longing.

The day didn't seem to end. I observed the people go by as I sat and waited for a bus ride home at dusk when the wind blew to caress my face warm, and the golden sky kissed my cheeks goodbye. 

The trees are swaying through the summer breeze, causing the leaves to rustle and fall. I waited and inhaled the comforting scent of the salty ocean water and warm sand, then sighed in relief that day was almost over. 

I felt tired and peaceful at the same time. After working a long hour of today, the thought of home and lying asleep in my bed makes me feel at ease. Sitting still, bowing my head down, and people went by like time would be running forward except for mine. The sky then turned darker, and the wind grew soothingly colder as it blew against me. Staring at my hands on my lap as I felt my fingertips numb with each passing time that the wind blows. The laughter of people around echoes as whispers of the wind itself and the city lights slowly shone brightly in the night, like stars would have reached the ground.

The bus stops in front of me. I picked up my bag and fixed my clothes as I stood up and proceeded to hop on the bus. Chose a sit on an aisle beside the window and plugged my earphones to fill my loneliness within. Leaned my head against the window and watch the city as the bus drove away.

It felt like everything was fast forward, and I have been the only one left in the past after many years of working hard, trying my best to improve myself and have something inside of me rather than the heavy feeling of emptiness. 

I did. And I thought happiness is now on my side. I met new people, made new friends, and knew myself better, discovered what I like and what I am good at, and for a moment, I thought everything was falling into places. How can someone feel many contrasting things at once? How can I feel happy only at the end of the day, feel void with it? 

And so I try harder every day and can not stop myself from trying harder to get rid of my emptiness. It went like Morning and night, Warm and cold, and when I am no longer surrounded by people, it felt like I went a few years back. Why is it tiring to smile and be okay?

I pressed the bell button to stop the bus and hurriedly gathered my belongings and walked my way home even with the feeling of exhaustion, but the wind turned cold, blew again, and tried to ease me out of my misery as though telling me to hold on for a little bit more, and then I would be home soon. 

The pavement felt steep like my usual way to home from work. My shoes hurt the pads of my feet as I lunged up to my residence. The silent neighborhood contrasts the question in my mind yet, resembles my desolation. Needing the moment to breathe, I paused and slightly tilted my head up, eyes closed, as I sigh to gain recovery. 

I am tired. I keep telling myself. Why could I not let myself rest? I want to let myself down and give everything up for just a day. Why can I not allow myself to ask for help?

It hurts. I want to allow myself to be weak just for once. Why can I not let myself be vulnerable?

I want to cry. I want to shout and let someone know I am in pain. Why can I not allow myself to let go of something that I am holding on to for too long?  

Frustrated with trying to make myself fragile to cry, I felt water slid down my face. My eyes opened as my fingers wandered through the cold drop on my face. The dark sky was filled with small white flakes, covering the roofs, trees, and the ground.

I watch them fall and let my hand wander through flakes. My fingertips attempted to catch each snowflake. Why would it snow in summer? Amazed with snowing on a summer day, I turned around and round with my arms spread like a bird.

Why does the wind always have a way to comfort me? It made me smile. The wind felt similar to a friend's hug and a Love that comes from someone who holds you dearly. It always blows when I need someone to lean on.

The snowflakes heavily poured, and I let them fall atop my hair, coat, and palms wishing I could let myself fall like snow.

My attention diverted to the familiar human figure a few feet away from me.

It was him. Staring back right at me. The snow dusting his black coat.

I couldn't move, neither can I take my eyes off him. And I felt shivers run through my nerves, then my chest felt heavy, and I couldn't help but frown. It is at that moment that my mind is occurring on a short circuit. I took a breath and told myself to let myself go and be vulnerable. Then admitted to myself that I am tired of trying to forget you existed in my life once.

I said I waited, and I am tired. I waited for a long time.   

I am tired of pretending that I do not long to see you. And waiting for you was hard.

It hurts.

You hurt me when you left, and I wanted to make you feel the ache. Because of you, I couldn't let myself go, and I couldn't let myself vulnerable again. 

I want to cry. 

I want to tell you how you hurt me. I want to tell you that I missed you. No matter how hard I tried to hate you, I hated myself more for failing over and over again.

I let myself walk towards you. Spaces between us became closer with each step I took. I don't want to be tired anymore.

I'm letting myself go. I'm Letting myself feel. I'm letting myself say what I needed to say. 

He never changed. He looks at me and waits for me. 

I'll let you wait.

I took my time studying his features. Memorizing details of his skin, the bridge of his nose, his lips, and lastly, his eyes. Then I let myself cry and embraced him. Tears pour out my eyes, my head against his chest, my hand gripping his clothing. I felt his hand slowly return my embrace softly whilst nuzzling his nose in my head.

I want to hurt you, but I can't. I want to cry to you about how much I hate you, but I can't bring myself to do it. Because I know that even if I can do it, it won't help me let go of this heavy feeling inside my chest. If I wanted to let myself go, I needed to let my pain go. 

I felt his tear fall into my cheek that rolled down from his. And he kissed my forehead and whispered 'I love you' only for me to hear.

I looked up to see your face once again and to caress your cheeks with my hand.  

If I wanted to let my pain go, Then I would have to let go of you.

My fingertips caught a snowflake instead and melted with my warmth. My knees began to tremble and caused me to fall against the ground. Cried my eyes out like a child and wished to hold onto you for a bit more longer. And letting you go is harder to deal with than enduring the pain I felt for so long.

The wind blew again and it embraced me to comfort me.