Somehow, It All Ends In Silence

I can finally breathe! I know I didn’t offer any excuse as I left.. and.. her face.. Her face all but spoke to her disappointment. I just... I don’t know. I myself believe that to be the beneficiary of anyone’s affinity is better than nothing but... I need time. I need time? Maybe. I need air. Perhaps a walk. That’s it.. That’s what I need. I need silence. I need quiet. I need to think. No one is out at this time of night. Perfect. No interruptions! Thank goodness for this air! I shall embrace this warm, evening air like a pond welcomes guileless ducklings... though... I shouldn’t walk too far... it is quite dark. I have nothing to worry about. I just need to relax..to take a deep breath. The scents of geranium and hyacinth are so soft... soothing... so reassuring. Such sincere modesty is a rarity. Yes, this is what I need. Inhale serenity and exhale disconcertment. I do love her but.. I think of her much like I think of the sun; Hot. Overbearing. Inescapable.. An enemy of direct contact and thin skin. I know all these things to be true. But.. I do love her.. Is she, like the sun, not also necessary in all of its ferocity? I do miss the sun when it disappears behind the darkness of the evening sky.. I most certainly do. Much like when a child’s light is turned off before bed. Has the sun not given life to all that I know and my eyes see? 

Even now.. look at the primrose - tilting their delicate petals ever so gently downwards, almost as if they are mourning the daylight. Look... Look at the tulips... seems like they are reaching their petals towards the sky longing...hoping for the suns return in the morning. Yet and still, they are existing and surviving whilst the sun is resting. Somehow these flowers, fragile and frail, are maintaining their elegance...all this time... I can’t imagine being such a creature.. able to withstand the severity of the sun and survive its nightly absence.. Is it not a feat I wish to achieve? I am sure she will always return.. won’t she? She wouldn’t ever leave me. The flowers appear so content.. even in this darkness. They each have their own... Beauty. Power. Strength. They have purpose... I have purpose.. Even when the sun is not there to exaggerate their color, the flowers are beautiful...brilliant. In this moment, they stand alone. We stand alone. I stand alone. It is so quiet.. silent... dark.. I shouldn’t walk much further...

But aren’t I enjoying the dark sky? It is not empty as it is cradling the stars... holding them close; Though.. The ill-lit sky is only preparing them for the moment they will exist but be invisible. I don’t want to be invisible. Who else is out here? Did I just hear... No. I’m in my own head. No one is out here at this time of night. I am alone... I am not a star. I don’t belong in this darkness.. It is so.. silent... These street lamps are far from adequate...Why are they so dim? I should be heading back soon... I will tell her that I love her. Yes, she is my sun.. If ever the sun decides not to reappear, the demise of the most gorgeous arrangements is almost certain..but they will die having once been magnificent. I am magnificent... Should the sun choose to shine without rest, the stars shall remain unseen. I am no star.. but I am no flower either...am I? I don’t know.. I know this.. I do not need the sun nor the sky to be that which I am. I am a compliment to either .. or.. perhaps neither.. but how I do love her... I will let her be my sun.. I simply cannot be her flower.. What am I even.. I don’t know.. I am going to talk to her about it as soon I return home. I should be getting back... but this spring air is so comforting.. even in this darkness. The silence is so calming.. I don’t want to worry her. It’s so dark on this side of the park... so quiet..

What was that? That sound... so familiar.. Was that a.. branch breaking? How? Where? What could make such a sound at this time? I must be mistaken. There’s nothing out here. It is so dark... Why is this street lamp so dim? Did I make the sound? It is so quiet... It was nothing.. I must have stepped on something.. yes... a branch.. Why am breathing so.. so loud.. I need quiet.. I wish I could hear over my own breathing! I should head back. I need to turn around. Why do I fear turning around? I am sure it is just me out here. No one is out here at this time of night, right? I hope not.. Okay, come on... I can do this.. Take a deep breath... turn around.. 1..2..NOW.. Ha! There’s nothing to be afraid of.. Heh, I am so ridiculous. I can’t believe I have such unwarranted fear.. I should be ashamed. I’ll be sure not to speak of this discreditable moment with anyone; definitely not to her. I wonder what she is doing right now. Can’t be far now. She is most likely awaiting my return. How could she not be? I need to hurry home. I can’t wait to tell her that I...

What am I hearing? Is it getting closer? This can’t be right. I must be confused. There were no branches on the ground.. Something is wrong. No... No one is out this late. I don’t even know why I’m out this late. Deer? I’ve never seen deer here before. I should walk faster. What about that neighbor... No, no. That neighbor saw.. I can’t be hearing deer.. Wait.. What? Where is my breathing? Why can’t I hear myself breathing? Breathe. Breathe. I have to breathe. I have to hurry... I should walk a bit faster. I shouldn’t leave her waiting. What’s the purpose of dim street lights?! It’s so terribly dark out here.. She’s been waiting for so long... I should be home right now.. with her.. Why’d I leave? For flowers? Stars? Meaningless. So stupid. What have I accomplished? I failed to solve anything... I’m a fool! I am wasting time. Is she not the air I breathe? I don’t need this night air! What in the... I.. I can’t breathe.. Where the hell is my breathing?? 

What am I seeing?... A shadow? A man? Why can’t I see his face? Who is that? What is that? What is he..it.. doing here? Where did he come from? I didn’t notice him all this time??! I think he just took a step.. No, I didn’t hear it.. But... he .. is closer.. I think... I need to see his face. Why can’t I make out a face? It’s so dark.. He’s so dark! Why can’t I hear him now? I hate how quiet he is! How can he be so still.. so silent? What is he doing? I don’t like this.. I don’t like him... What can he possibly want with me.. from me?? Is he here for me? He is so motionless.. Is he waiting for me? What should I do? Do something... choose carefully .. wisely..  I can’t fight him.. It’s too dark.. I have to try something ... Stay calm.. Where is his face! I can cry for help! Help from what? A man? Who will hear me? I can’t let him near me... Why not try running? I can’t! Why can’t I feel my legs? Oh how I wish I hadn’t left! I must get back! What am I going to do? What can I do? Run! Run! Breathe. Don’t forget to breathe! There’s her house!! Light! Her window! I see it!! Head to the light! Go for it! Make it! Focus... Focus on the light from her window!! Quickly! Quickly! When is the last time I ran? Why me? Where is he? Has he gone? Where’d he go? Is he still behind me? So menacing.. I’m so tired.. I don’t think he was after me after all! I.. Breathe... Maybe he... Breathe... He just wan...

Is that him? I think that’s him! But how did he.. When did he.. I was running right?! I was definitely running!! How is he so close?? How is he here? Go! Go! This bell never works! Knock! Knock harder!! He was following me?! I didn’t see him running?! What is he? How could he.. I don’t know.. Come on!! Where is she?? She never took this long to answer before... He’s almost here! Come on, Come on!! Is she sleeping? Can’t be.. He’s coming! The light! The window! It’s on.. She has to be awake!! No time. Run! Run!! Wait! There she is! What is she saying? What? The door! What is that horrid smell? Don’t look to see. The door, the door! Open the door!

I can finally breathe! 

I love this house. I love her. Where is she going? Breathe. I will be her flower! I am safe! Why does she look... Breathe. ..so worried? Breathe. Her face.. that face.. it all but spea... But I made it!! Breathe. I’m here! Who is she calling? Breathe... But... I.. Wha.. What am I feeling? Breathe.. This pain... pain? I don’t.. No... What is.. going on? Breathe. A gun? But wha.. Where’d she get.. I can’t mov.. No.. I.. I’ve made it... I.. It’s so hard to breathe. I..I escaped.. I don’t hear anything... silence... Th .. the light... Where has it gone? Where is she? It’s so dark. How is it dark? I’m here .. I know... I’m.. I’m home.. No! It can’t be.. That can’t be him.. How is he.. I just.. she came to th... I’m here.. His face.. I know that face... looks so much.. like.. my... face... But.. What? Who? How is that possi... I don’t understand... Did I?.. I didn’t.. I love her.. I wouldn’t.. He is.. It’s so dark... It is silent.

Silence my friend, why have you betrayed me?