Settle

Liam stared down at his spaghetti. He shoved the noodles around with his fork. They were good enough, he just didn’t have much of an appetite. He knew the reason why.

“Is it okay?” Danny asked.

Liam looked up at him and forced a smile. “It’s great, Babe. I’m just not very hungry.”

“Are you sick?” Danny said, leaning across the table to feel Liam’s forehead.

Liam brushed his hand away gently. “No, no. I’m just not very hungry. I promise.”

Danny still seemed a little worried, but he nodded and went back to eating. Liam looked down at his plate guiltily. This was the problem. Danny. Danny was amazing. He was gentle, thoughtful, funny, and loving. He always put Liam first, and Liam hated it.

He wished Danny would be an asshole towards him. He wished he would cuss him out, hit him, or cheat on him. He wished there was a way to turn Danny into a despicable human being because then it would make sense why he didn’t love him.

That was the problem. Danny was amazing. The perfect man, and for some reason, Liam couldn’t love him. He tried denying it for a long time. Of course, he loved Danny. Why wouldn’t he? Love didn't happen overnight. His feelings would grow over time.

As time went on, it became more and more obvious that wasn't happening. Liam never got that warm, fuzzy feeling he was supposed to. He didn’t even get that simple, comfortable feeling that comes from being together so long. Four years together and he still couldn’t love him. He didn’t hate Danny, he just didn’t love him.

That was the other reason Liam was so upset tonight. He knew Danny loved him. Danny loved him with all his heart. In the beginning, Liam thought that was enough, but it was getting harder and harder every day. This wasn’t fair to him, and it wasn’t fair to Danny. 

Liam had been working up the nerve to tell him tonight how he really felt. This was as good a time as any. They were alone, it would give them a chance to really talk about things. It would be messy, painful, but the right thing to do. Even if Liam didn’t love Danny, he still cared for him. He didn’t want to be any crueler than he had to.

He took a deep breath. “Danny, I-”

“Wait, Li!” Danny interrupted. “Before you say anything, I-I have something to say first, and if I don’t say it now I’m afraid I never will.”

Liam stayed silent. He felt a pit forming in his stomach. The nauseous feeling only grew stronger as Danny stood up and walked over to him. Danny grabbed his hand gently and took a deep breath. He dropped down onto one knee. Liam's heart stopped.

“Liam, life hasn’t been easy for us. This world can be a dark and cruel place, but sometimes something comes along in your life that makes all those things fade away,” Danny said, smiling up at him. “You’re the thing in my life that makes all the pain worth suffering, you’re what gets me through the days, you’re all I need. I know, this has been a long time coming, but better late than never. Liam Williams, will you marry me?”

Liam sat there frozen. No. Why today of all days? Any other day. Any other day but today. He looked into Danny’s hopeful eyes. What was he going to do now? 

He had to tell him. Do it quick, like a bandaid. It would hurt, but then it would be over. They’d cry, maybe Danny would hate him for a while, but, eventually, they’d both move on. They’d find the person they were meant to be with. After all, this wasn’t the 60’s or something. Gay men didn’t have to settle for the first boyfriend they found anymore. There would be plenty of opportunities for Danny, for both of them.

That’s what he tried to tell himself, but he wasn’t convinced. True, maybe he didn’t love Danny, but Danny was good to him. Even if he dated other men, there was no guarantee he’d love them either. What if he never loved anybody? Then he would be stuck dating assholes and losers. At least if he married Danny things would be okay. Besides, he was good to Danny too.

They got along well, the sex was good, and they cared about each other. That was pretty much what a loving relationship was, right? Maybe he could do it. Maybe he could settle for this. After all, it wasn’t a bad life.

“Liam,” he heard Danny say softly.

Liam suddenly realized he’d been sitting in silence for a while. Danny seemed worried.

“Sorry, what?” Liam asked.

Danny just laughed. “I get it. It’s a big question, but I mean it. I love you, Li. If you let me, I’ll spend the rest of our lives making you the happiest man in the world. I promise. Please, will you make me the happiest man right now by saying yes?”

Liam tried his best to swallow the lump in his throat. This was all wrong. This shouldn’t be happening. He had to tell Danny the truth. He deserved the truth. He deserved the chance to find his real soul mate. It wasn’t Liam, it would never be Liam.

Liam tried to speak, but Danny’s eyes took the air from his lungs. He hadn’t even rejected him yet, but he seemed to sense it coming. His eyes already looked so hollow and miserable. Good, it was better this way. It wouldn’t hurt so much if he already expected it. 

Liam tried to force air through his throat. He tried to make words come out, but they wouldn’t. Why was this so damn hard? Danny’s eyes grew more and more lifeless with the passing seconds. Finally, a small sound pushed its way up his throat. It barely came out as a squeak as he said it.

“Yes.”

All at once, Danny came back to life. A smile spread across his face. He jumped up and kissed Liam. His eyes were full of love and happiness. Liam stayed silent and forced a smile. Maybe this could work. Maybe “good” could be good enough. Maybe it wasn’t “love,” but it might be close enough.

“I love you, Li. I love you so much. I promise you’ll never regret this,” Danny said, holding him close.

Liam didn’t have the heart to tell him he already did.