Understanding WHY

In wake of the overturning of Bill Cosby's case where a confessed sexual predator walks free, I've found myself yet again playing the objective role in how I felt about it. The Cosby Show was a highlight of my childhood - I remember us, my family of African immigrants, owning a boxed-set copy of all the seasons of the show. My family was one of little means and limited time for entertainment, yet we owned every single season of the Cosby Show. The Cosby Show's legacy is unrivaled, it appealed to many people and was a needed positive representation of the black family, especially at that time. So when sixty women - seemingly out of the woodworks all recounted their different experiences of being assaulted by Cosby, it was a shock to many. Some advocated for the women, in solidarity with their stories, but many victim-blamed and even worse, labeled the whole thing as some huge conspiracy theory. I've seen it all, and in the comforts of my cognitive dissonance continued to live my life, unaffected, and refusing to engage in any type of heated debate about it. The thing is - and I know many can relate, we live in a world with so much pain and despair on a global level. Each and every day we are inundated with sad and tragic stories even in our own backyards. A lot of us have to detach emotionally and even mentally to a degree to maintain our own sanity it seems - myself included. It's so very hard to empathize with our own deep pain and sadness, the sadness of our friends and family, and all the sadness that exists in this realm on this planet called Earth. So when Bill Cosby was convicted and arrested I chose to feel nothing. I am ashamed to admit this, because I am too, a woman. Although I don't feel like a victim of sexual assault or rape, since my experiences weren't like the ones depicted in movies or news stories where a woman is violently violated or attacked - I, in fact, have been a victim many times over in the sense consent has been very blurry in the past, and I've felt coerced into situations especially in my youth that my heart and mind was not in. As well as instances where I was too inebriated to consent and was taken advantage of. Life as a woman, though it comes with its advantages, is hard as you're constantly in defense mode. I recently moved into an apartment complex where I am constantly stale-faced and unapproachable with my male neighbors not because I am unfriendly, that's far from the case - I just don't want anyone to get any "ideas" especially since they all know where I live and that I am a single woman living alone. Time after time, I find myself having to explain to my boyfriend these things, but life as a man is completely different, it's hard for him to understand that as a woman I am more likely to be victimized than he is. The unfortunate reality is although he may have to worry about being the victim of theft and robbery of material things, I have to worry about being a victim of something I could never buy back or reclaim. I am the furthest thing from a prude, considering myself to be sexually very liberal. But even women like me deserve respect. Even women in the industry I work in, as an exotic dancer have a right to not be sexually harassed, assaulted or forced to engage in any type of sexual activity without clear consent. Men will violate you even on the job in a room full of people because you aren't looked at as worthy of basic respect. This is the same ideology of the people who insist certain women deserve to be assaulted or harassed based on how they dress, this is the same ideology that forces knee-length skirts and shorts as a dress code all the while enforcing no dress codes for men, and no shaming of the men who assault or harass ANY woman - not just the ones deemed "appropriately" dressed. And this is also the same ideology of the people who despite the testimony of sixty women unrelated to each other, still regard in deep reverence Mr. Bill Cosby and support him undyingly. Paradigm shifts happen often throughout our lifetimes. This morning I woke up in a cold sweat of a nightmare, something that doesn't happen often with me. In my dream I was at a party where a lot of people were present - it was a pool party. I wandered off to be alone in the rowdiness of it and was cornered by a man I had not spoken even a single word to. He forced himself on me, kissing me repeatedly while I yelled at him to stop tears streaming down my face. I fought and fought but I was overpowered by the bulky man on top of me all the while screaming, hoping I would be heard over the blasting music around us. Then he unbuckled his pants, and my adrenaline kicked in. Suddenly I spotted an opportunity to rescue myself in an empty beer bottle right below us. I grabbed the bottle by the top, broke it against the ground weaponizing it, and held it to his face, and threatened to stab him if he didn't get off of me immediately. He obliged, with no choice but to stop in his assault of me. This wasn't the worst part of the dream, however. The worst part of the dream was upon returning to the party (for whatever reason dream me decides to go back to the party instead of leaving and calling the police) to find that my assailant had spoken to others about in his mind, his "seduction" of me. Much to my absolute disgust and shame, the WOMEN at the party completely disregarded my assault, and told me "it wasn't that serious." This is when I woke up. Emotions of fear, sadness, embarrassment flooded my brain. Women, we have to stand in solidarity with each other when it comes to matters like these. You don't need to be a victim to show support. There shouldn't be a woman alive who stands with Bill Cosby, and I am ashamed to even admit that I rode the fence on the topic previously.