Hero's Mission

You know that old mop that sits in the corner of a small ass supply closet in every restaurant or school? Yeah, well that's me right now. I am the mop and my supply closet is actually a cardboard box. I know on a regular day I don't exactly smell like roses but when it rains, I start smelling like a load of clothes left and forgotten for too long in the washer. Although, even that would smell better than me because when you wash clothes you add those good-smelly things in there. I usually get clean by taking a dip into the lake or running through someone sprinklers. I love sprinklers but the rain, not even a little. You see, with sprinklers you can come and go as you please. You can choose to go back into them or walk away. With rain comes constant wetness, shivering coldness, and worst of all.. thunder. Most of you guys get to cuddle up in some blankets and throw on a movie to get you through, all I got is short hair and a bad attitude.

Y'know, it wasn't always like this. I used to have a loving family, a great mom who would go on walks with me, feed me whatever I wanted, she'd even let me sleep in her bed even though I wasn't small anymore. We'd cuddle up on the couch watching all sorts of stuff, she'd wrap the blankets around me, kiss me on the forehead and everything. It was a good life. I had lived with her for about 3 years until some strange things started to happen. All of a sudden there was this guy who kept coming by, taking my spot on the couch with my mom. Then he started getting all the kisses I was supposed to get. I swear to you, I used to get borderline pampered in that house but as soon as this bozo came along, I was damn near forgotten. I wish you could've seen him, you know the type. The guys that wear gold chains, leather jackets, obnoxiously loud motorcycles. My mom didn't like when I was loud so how was she letting this guy, of all people, into her bed? Of course, with time I sort of adjusted. I figured if mom seemed happy, I was happy. I just wished she'd included me a little more, that's all.

To this day, I still can't figure out what that guy's name was. She kept calling him "babe" or "honey" or even "sweetheart". How many names did he have? For Pete's sake, just pick one. By the way, I never understood that saying. Who's Pete and why do we care so much about him? Anyways, after about a month or so, mom was gone a lot more often. I'd be left alone in my house with my toys just trying to self entertain. I'd lay on the couch, eat some food, chew on a pillow every now and then, but geez I would still be so bored. One time, I peed on that guys shirt out of spite. He left it under the bed and initially I wanted to tear it up but instead, I peed on it and left it where I found it in hoped he'd pick it up and wear it. Mom found the shirt before he did, though. She was very upset. I didn't get any good privileges for a whole day. Not that I was getting any special treatment anymore anyways like was used to but, y'know, it still sucked. At least I got some sort of attention with that though, I mean, a swat on the butt is better than nothing at all right?

Another month or two went by and mom started staying home more often but she didn't seem herself. She would just mindlessly stare at the walls for a while and she'd barely eat. One time I had got into our snack drawer and brought her a bag of chips but I got scolded and shoo'd away. I tried bringing her blankets, shoes, toys, everything and nothing seemed to work. I heard her on the phone one time, crying, talking to someone about how sad she was and how alone she felt. Uh, hello? I'm here. I don't see anyone else bringing you all kinds of your favorite things to make you feel any better. Speaking of, where's that Honey guy at? He made her kinda happy, how come he doesn't come around anymore? Maybe that's why mom's sad. Maybe she was gone so often to look for him, maybe he's lost! That's when I had my bright idea. I will go off into the world and look for him, for my mom. I had it all planned out. I would wait until she fell asleep and I'd squeeze through the door, dig a hole in the yard, and escape. I would've tried going over the fence but I'm way to small to jump that thing.

When the time came and I made my grand exit, I was immediately greeted by all these bright lights along the street! I don't think I had ever been outside when it was nighttime. I'm pretty sure mom only let me out during the day because she said it was safer for the both of us. Well, look at me now mom, I'm breaking the rules. I gotta say, when I first left, I felt so amazing. I was boppin' around like a crazy person. I was taking in everything I could, I felt so free! I knew I had a mission though so I tried my best to reign myself in.

"Okay. If I was a tall, leather jacket wearin' guy named Babe or Sweetheart or whatever it was, where would I end up?"

I had THE best idea. He liked food about as much as I did so maybe he got hungry! I followed all kinds of good smells until I finally reached this awesome place where there was tons of food just laying around in these weird smelling bins. Granted, the food wasn't as good as mom's was but it was food nonetheless. I grabbed a bite or two and made a lap around the block. There were only a couple people out at this time and not to be rude but those people we weird. Instead of being in their homes where they should be, they were sleeping on the sidewalk! There's no way I'd ever be caught sleeping on a sidewalk. Anyways, fast forward a couple of hours when I had walked about 10 miles and my lil toes were just screaming for relief. I decided to sit for a second to catch my breath and BOOM. There it was... I felt a sprinkle at first but then it started comin' down pretty heavy. I found my way over to a box eventually and that's where I've been for the last hour and a half. Now that we're all caught up, all there's left to do is wait for the rain to clear.

If you hadn't guessed by now, I should probably mention that I'm not really anything like my mom or the other people walking around. You see, they all have two legs to stand on and two arms with hands and those gosh darned thumb things. Boy what I would do to get me some of those. No, I have four legs, no arms, and hair all over my body. No thumbs, just useless paws. I mean they're good for walkin' but I can't open anything myself. So as you can see, I'm just a small lil thing lookin' for a big guy and nothing to help me find him except for the fact that he likes food. I knew that I had to really get it together if I was going to find him before mom woke up. Although, all that walkin' and that weird smelling bin food made me really tired. Maybe if I just took a little nap real quick I could start looking again. So, I swallow my pride and resort to sleeping in this wet, droopy box. Damn. I'm just like those guys I judged earlier. This is real humbling. Oh well, gotta do what you've gotta do, right?

As I was chasing a cat in the land of dreams, I felt my body being pulled up as if I was being abducted by aliens so I woke myself abruptly. Hey! Somebody closed my box! Am I being carried? Who the heck just picks up somebody's temporary house like that while they're still in it? I started barking up a storm meaner than the one outside, I tell ya. I mean I really just went crazy in here as I'm sliding around God knows where. We must've got to where we were going quick because there that feeling was again, I was being lifted up. I heard jingle bells and a woman's voice say, "Hi there! Is this the little angel in here?". I knew it wasn't my mom but hey, if I'm the angel then I don't care, I'll take all the compliments I can get. I stood very very still as I watched the box slowly start to open. I'm not going to lie, with a voice as sweet as hers, I was expecting a beautiful lady. She was more like a wrinkly lady. Not so bad looking, but wrinkly.

I let her pick me up in hopes she'd give me a little forehead kiss like mom used to do but instead, she took off my collar and put me in a cage. How rude is that? You guys just plucked me out of my hero's mission and then you put me in jail? Geez, note to self, not all humans are cool. I sat in this cage just chewing my paws, trying to figure out how to get out of here when all of a sudden I heard footsteps. I was just about ready to run past whoever was comin' to let me out but then I thought,

"Wait.. I know these footsteps.."

Sure enough, my mom came rushing up to my rescue! I started waggin' my tail like crazy, whining obnoxiously til' she got the dang door open, and then I leapt into her arms because I felt like I had't seen her in ages. She gave me the first forehead kiss I got in what felt like a year and I was so happy. She told me we were going home and I was sort of upset because I was going to find that guy for her. I thought bringing him back would have made her happy. Once we got home though, she sat on the couch and patted the cushion for me to join her. I hesitated at first since she hadn't snuggled with me in a while but there went, patting again and smiling. I jumped up, gave her a lick, and she wrapped a blanket around both of us. She squeezed me tight and said, "Please don't ever run off like that again, I was terrified something had happened to you, you're lucky somebody had found you with my number on your collar". Just like that, I decided no guy in a leather jacket would ever come between me and my mom. As long as she's happy, I'm happy. Besides, I figure that guy has someone's number on his chain so if he's lost, someone will call his mom to come get em'.