Telephone

Hey, Dad. It’s me… Real funny, Dad. Ha-ha it never gets old. It’s your son. You know? What probably started as a drunken bar night and nine months later you had a bouncing baby boy, love of your life and ruiner of your dreams… Those were your words not mine. Besides, I already know I was the best thing that happened to you...  You told me that you stopped drinking when I was born. Had to make some big changes because this new crying thing depended on you to live…. Anyway, I was calling because I have squirrels in my attic… I don’t know how they got there… I said I don’t know, Dad!... Maybe like two or three. I haven’t seen any of them, I just hear them in the ceiling and in the walls. So there are at least two. And they like to be awake at night, maybe because it’s cold and they need to warm up… Yeah, I’ve been in the attic. It’s a mess. Plenty of evidence of their existence up there… The poop, Dad. That’s how I know they are up there. The insulation up there is peppered with it…. I don’t know, like chocolate sprinkles. What does the size even matter?... Well, ok fair enough. Then no, I don’t think it’s a big animal… Well, yeah I guess you’re right. The first thing would be to figure out how they got there, no use taking care of the ones I got now if the way they got in in the first place is still open. So what kind of traps and bait should I use?... They aren’t mice dad, you can’t use cheese. I read that peanut butter works pretty good… Yeah, peanut butter and poison. Would you do crunchy or smooth peanut butter?... I don’t know, I’m not a squirrel.  I was thinking crunchy, it’s closest to what they regularly eat… 

Oh sorry. I got cut off there. Bad reception. Oh man, remember when Mom bought that bird feeder? Only thing that thing fed was the squirrels. She bought the high end bird seed too. It was advertised to have variety and add to the variety of the birds that came by. We saw a cardinal once, the squirrels chased it away. Mom was super pissed and she started throwing rocks at them. They remembered too. Whenever they saw mom, they ran up the trees and threw acorns at her… She’s good. She missed you for a while, a long while. But she’s moving on. Slowly. She even started dating again. Some guy, I don’t know…. Well what do you want? You’re the one that left us. You can’t have your cake and eat it too. You are the one that gave up…. Again. YOUR words not mine. You said it to me when Rene and I broke up. You asked where she has been. I told you, we broke up and she went back to her old boyfriend. And you said, ‘Good. She’s not the one. Both people gotta fight to keep the relationship alive. And she gave up.’ No, I’m not doing this again with you. I’m done talking about this with you. You’re a real son of a bitch, you know that? You were always a hard ass on me about sticking through stuff and doing hard things. Remember when I wanted to take martial arts? You had me break ceramic tiles with my hands. One hundred. ONE HUNDRED. Plus there was the coat hanger. You had me stick my arms out and you would whip them with a coat hanger to toughen them up. No, of course you don’t remember. It was never your fault. You were only trying to help. I was ten, Dad. Ten… It didn’t toughen me up! It made me worse. I turned it into hate. I hated you. I felt like a fireball was always stuck in my chest and I could explode at any moment. And I did. At mom, at you, at Rene. You made life that much harder to live. Bye, Dad.

Hello?... Oh hi, Mom… Yeah, I’m doing fine.... Yes, I’m eating. I don’t know, mother. Whatever is in the fridge. Do you think I’m that incompetent? That I would starve to death in my own house?... No, there are no more squirrels. I took care of that last week…. Well, I found the hole. The neighbor’s pecan tree has a branch that reaches my roof and a brick must’ve come loose and they were able to find their way in. I sealed that in with some mortar. Then I set the traps up with bait in the attic.... No, you can’t use cheese mom. I used peanut butter and poison, and about twenty traps, I read they get wise to it quickly so it’s best to use as many traps as possible the first go around….  No way, they STILL throw acorns at you? Yeah, that one time with the cardinal and squirrels… Oh? A tanager? I see. That’s great, mom. He seems like a nice guy now you have some to talk birds to, I’m happy for you… No, it’s ok. I don’t need to meet him just yet… Are you still going to visit dad? Yeah, the flowers. I guess he’ll like that... Hey, mom? I’m sorry you were the one to find him like that. It shouldn’t have been you. What he did, it wasn’t your fault, mom. He was sick, he was the one that gave up…. No, no. I know it wasn’t my fault either. It’s just… no, nevermind… Yes, mom. I’ll make sure to eat something… Yes, mom. I’ll get myself outside and see the sun. Thank you for checking up on me. I’ll see you next week. Bye, mom.

Hey, Dad. It’s me… Real funny, Dad. never gets old. Me? Your son? Your bouncing baby boy?... Honestly, I don’t know why I keep calling this number. Maybe it’s for comfort. Maybe part of me thinks that you’re actually hearing all of this. I pray that no one ever accesses these voicemails and figures out what a nutcase I am. It’s been two years since you left us. Still doesn’t feel real. I can’t believe it was you who gave up. I felt like I was buried on the shore to the neck and I had to struggle to keep my head above the water and I didn’t always succeed. It’s gotten easier over the years, it’s not the same depth anymore and sometimes I don’t even feel buried. I just kept thinking that if I was a better son I could have done something more. But that type of bargaining never helps, does it? Well I just wanted to say, I don’t understand what you went through and why you did it and part of me still hates you. But I am glad that you were my dad, son of a bitch and all. Thanks for trying to toughen me up because you didn’t think you were tough. I’ll see you in a few days, Dad.