CeeCee's Burnout

Oh my God. I can’t keep living like this. I’m exhausted, CeeCee thought to herself as she stood in front of the refrigerator, doors wide open, as she peered into the cold box, hoping dinner would just magically appear. If one more person asks me what’s for dinner, I literally just might scream. Feeling a wave of defeat wash over her, she closed the doors and she made her way over to a nearby comfortable swivel chair, collapsed into it and rested her head in her hands. 

“You good,” her husband asked as he walked into the kitchen to grab a snack.  

Holding back tears, CeeCee replied, “I just can’t.”  

“You can’t, what?”

“The kids want to know what is for dinner and I can’t.”  

“Okay. The kids and I will plan and cook dinner tonight.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Don’t worry about it.”

“Thank you.”

“Babe, you got to talk to me. What’s going on?”

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me. All I can tell you is I’m exhausted, all I want to do is cry, and I don’t want to be here in this house, in this town, or in this state. I just want to go away, anywhere but here.”

“Do you need a getaway?”

“I think I do.”

“Is it an emergency, like you need to go today?”

“No I don’t think so,” is all that would come out of her mouth, but her heart was screaming yes.  

She had been wrestling with a terrible case of wanderlust for weeks now, spending all her free time looking into Airbnbs and hotels wherever it was sunny and warm.  But looking is all she did. Lurking in the back of her mind was fear of what wanting to leave really meant. Does this means I don’t want to be married anymore or be a mom anymore? That would mean I’m a bad wife and a bad mom.  

Now that Duke had given her unquote, his permission, to get away, her mind was ferociously trying to make it work out. Where do I want to go? How long do I want to be gone for? Then she started to care about what other people would think. What will people think if I go out of town alone without my family? They are going to have questions that I don’t have the answers to and I just can’t right now.

CeeCee knew, deep down inside, whatever she was going through was pretty bad. Antidepressants weren’t working anymore. She was having some pretty scary thoughts and crying on and off all the time. Gloominess just lingered all around her and had no sings of lifting. Therapy was hit and miss with helping for a time, but her and her therapist just didn’t see eye to eye and she had to go. Her thoughts were amped up and on overdrive, and she could physically feel the anxiety in her body. Tightness in the neck, shoulders, and chest, headaches, and sweats accompanied by feeling like she was in a pressure cooker and just about ready to explode. She had opened up to a couple of friends about what she was going through, but they too were experiencing some sort of depression of their own and had no practical advice on how to help CeeCee cope in the situation she found herself in. 

Frustrated and fed up with her current situation, she made the decision to stop taking the antidepressants all on her own and does the one thing you are not supposed to do. She just stopped taking them. Trying to save face with herself and with her family, CeeCee puts a plan into action. She fills her calendar with people and things that bring her joy. Lunch dates with friends, date nights with her husband, double dates with other couples, quiet time, line dancing, learning Spanish, journaling, praying, and restorative yoga. She was doing anything and everything she could possibly do to improve her quality of life. She even cut out added sugar from her diet, like that ever made anyone more happy. Her mental health would not be in such a state because of negligence on her part.  

A month into this plan, there had been no improvement. Desperate, CeeCee reaches out to a dear friend who had done extensive research on the correlation between mental health and the gut. Her research had lead her to the importance of micronutrients in the battle against mental health. She just so happened to have a bottle of these vitamins and she gave CeeCee a bottle, saying, “take these as directed,” she continued, “let’s see how you are feeling in a couple of days.”  CeeCee took the vitamins home and took them as directed on the bottle.

The next morning CeeCee gets up and starts her day as normal. It was Monday and that meant a trip to the grocery store. While walking up and down the aisles she noticed she wasn’t feeling quit right. Every time she would bend over to grab an item off the shelf her head felt dizzy. Like her brains were being sloshed around on a cruise ship caught in a hurricane. You’re fine. Everything is fine. It’s all in your head. She repeatedly told herself trying not to get all worked up. By the time she made her way down the dairy aisle, she was not fine. Her heart was racing and it was everything she could do to walk straight and not stumble around like someone who was intoxicated. There would be no self checkout for her today. Trying to remain calm and act as normal as possible as the grocery clerk rang up her groceries, her anxiety was growing. When she finally made it to the car, she couldn’t unload her shopping cart fast enough. Sweat was literally pouring off her body and she had a pounding headache on top of the dizziness and racing heart rate. Hopping into the cab of the car and turning the air condition on full blast as cold as it will go, she tried some breathing exercises she learned to help her calm down. Call Duke. Something isn’t right. Hesitantly she picks up her iPhone and gives Duke a call.  

“Hello”

“Hey Babe”

“What are you out doing this morning?”

“I’m at the grocery store,” she quaked.

“You good?

“I’m not feeling so good and I need you to stay on the phone with me.”

“Okay what’s going on?”

“I’m dizzy. I feel like I’m going to throw up and pass out.” Her voice growing more shaky as she continues describing her physical condition. “Something is wrong with me. My heart is racing and I’m sweating like crazy.” 

“Where are you?” Duke responded with concern.

“I’m in my car in the parking lot at the grocery store. I don’t know if I can drive myself home,” she admitted.

“It’s okay. Just sit right there for a few minutes and calm down,” Duke encouraged her. Trying to distract her, Duke starts talking about other things and CeeCee listens and goes about the conversation with him. Having calmed down a little bit she realizes, This isn’t working. I have to get home as soon as possible.   CeeCee put the car in drive and started home.  

“How are you? Are you okay?” Duke asks.

“I’m okay. I’m on my way home. I can’t sit in the parking lot, I’m not getting any better.”

“Okay just drive safe.”

“Stay on the phone with me,” CeeCee pleaded.

“Of course,” Duke added.

Upon making in home safely, CeeCee rounded up the kids to unload the car and put the groceries away. “Babies, I need you help. I’m not feeling well and I need to go lay down.”  

“Okay Moma,” they trailed off with voices full of concern, as they started doing what she had asked them to do.  

Why am I so sleepy? She questioned herself as she rushed into her pajamas and crawled into the bed eager for sleep.  

Waking up the next morning, physical symptoms somewhat improved, her mental condition not so much. Her depression had worsened, making her feel like an extremely heavy weighted blanket was holding her captive. Realizing the extreme mental shift from the day before, she wondered if the vitamins had anything to do with what she was experiencing. She decided to give the customer service number a call and just see what happens.

“Customer service, how may I help you?”

“Hey. I had a friend give me a bottle of your vitamins and I just started taking them yesterday. I haven’t been feeling good today and I wanted to see if they cause any side effects.”

“Sure. I need to ask you some questions first.”

“Okay”

“Are you currently on any antidepressants?”

“No.”

“Have you ever taken any antidepressant?”

“Yes.”

“For how long?”

“Six months.”

“Which medication were you on?” She asked.

CeeCee answered her question while wondering where she was going with this.

Finally the voice on the other end of the phone started connecting all the dots and CeeCee started taking notes.  

“You see these micronutrient vitamins are extremely potent because they are in their purest form. Your body was shocked to receive such nutrients. I need you to reduce your dose to one vitamin with breakfast, one with lunch, and one with dinner. You see, antidepressant drugs can linger in the fatty tissues of our bodies for months after the last pill is taken. These symptoms you are experiencing are withdrawals from the antidepressants and they can last up to three months. That is normal. Our vitamins are balancing out your brain chemistry causing detox. I need you to drink protein isolate and drink lots of water everyday. No strenuous exercise, massages, cleanses, or anything that could rupture one of these fatty tissue pockets. If one of the pockets rupture it will release the antidepressant into your blood stream which causes detox symptoms all over again. ”

Well I’m glad to know that I’m not going crazy and I have to tell Duke what’s going on.

The conversation with Duke went better than expected. CeeCee explained to him the conversation she had with the customer service representative and he supported her decision to try the vitamins. He could see that she had been at her whits end for some time now and he truly hoped this would work out for her.  

Things only got worse for CeeCee. Her wanderlust had morphed into serious frustration and a restlessness had spread like a vicious virus inside of her. Deciding she was tired of taking care of everyone but herself, she finally booked a little getaway for herself at a boutique hotel she read about in a magazine article. It was only two hours from home and she was looking forward to her time alone.  

 While managing her emotions, her physical symptoms of withdraw, her everyday life of a stay at home mom, and her husband’s drama at work, she saw no light at the end of the tunnel, which made her feel stuck and in a cage. Keeping up with her game plan, her and Duke made brunch plans with their oldest friends Van and Natalie. The same dear friend that gave CeeCee the vitamins. Natalie was also a world traveler. She was sharing her desire to buy a home in Italy and living a much simpler life. She was singing CeeCee’s heart song and she reached over and placed her hand on Natalie’s arm and jokingly pleaded, “take me with you,” but she was dead serious.  

The car ride home from brunch was quiet. When Duke and CeeCee got home, Duke decided to share his concern with CeeCee. “All this talk about you wanting to leave makes me feel like you don’t want me and the kids anymore.” Not knowing what to say, CeeCee countered, “that’s not true.” But in the far back corner of her mind she questioned herself, what if he is right? 

Tossing and turning and not getting a wink of sleep at 4am, CeeCee decided to go downstairs so she wouldn’t wake Duke and try to calm her mind. The conversation from earlier was on repeat in her mind and she was examining herself and her motifs with a fine tooth comb. Bursting into tears at the realization that Duke very well could be right was far too much for her to comprehend and she lost it. Full on ugly crying for some time before getting more and more upset as time went on. A voice in her head said, “go get Duke!”  

Afraid to startle Duke, she tip toed into the bedroom at 5am and turned on the small bedside light. He didn’t wake up so she crawled into bed and whispered his name. He woke up wondering what was going on seeing CeeCee so upset.  

“Duke, I need to talk to you,” she barley got the words out in between sobs.  

“What is it,” he muttered.

“What if you are right? What if I don’t want you and the kids anymore?,” she got out before squalling. “I don’t want that to be true,” she sobbed into the blankets.  

“I don’t either,” Duke insisted while wrapping his arms around her and holding on to her.

The tears just kept coming. There was no sign of stopping any time soon.

“I’m scared,” CeeCee cried.

“I am too,” Duke declared.

CeeCee’s crying only got worse. Duke tried calming her down, “I’ve got you,” he whipped into her ear as he held onto her. Hyperventilation kicked in as well as dizziness and tingling down the left side of her body. The thought had crossed her mind, this must be what a mental breakdown feels like. By 6am she had finally dozed off to sleep as Duke’s alarm went off signaling it was time for him to get up and get ready for work.

“Good morning beautiful,” Duke whispers as he kisses her cheek at 10am.  

“Good morning,” CeeCee whispered back.

“I need to you rest today okay.”

“Yeah okay,” is all she could muster up the energy to say.  

“The kids know you need your rest so I’ve told them to check in on you while I’m at work and if they need anything, they are to ask me and leave you alone.”

“Okay.”

“We’ll take care of everything around here. Just rest.”

“Okay.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

A week later, the tears had finally ended and CeeCee was finally feeling up to getting out of bed. She had slept right through her out of town getaway and it didn’t bother her one bit. She hadn’t even given it a second thought. She had been diligent with taking her vitamins and getting the rest she so desperately needed. Physically she was feeling much improved but mentally she was still very fragile and unsteady. It was like she had her slate wiped clean, a rebirth so to speak. She felt new and the fresh life she was so desperate for had been breathed into her lungs. It took her some time to find her bearings.  

 As she walked thought the house she was amazed at how clean it was. There was no clutter anywhere to be found, the rugs and carpet were vacuumed, and the bathroom in the downstairs hallway didn’t smell like a gas station toilet. In awe, she continued into the kitchen. There were no dirty dishes in the sink, food was in the fridge, pantry stocked, and the dogs had been fed. She couldn’t believe it. She wondered, why have I been doing everything for everybody in this house for so long when they are clearly capable of doing it themselves?  

Later that night at dinner, Duke addressed their family. “It is really important that we continue to take care of mom and help her around the house. We need to give her time to get better.” He continued, “don’t make her ask you to do anything. If you see something that needs to be cleaned or put away, you do it. Each of you will take turns cooking dinner and I’ll help you as much as I can. We have to do this for mom.” All three kids agreed and took turns giving CeeCee hugs.  

In the following weeks the gloominess had finally started to lift, something she thought would never go away, but things were still difficult for CeeCee. She had to take things slow. The smallest of tasks was a lot for her. Her normal hustle and bustle of life was not an option anymore. Her mind and body were forcing her to take it easy. She was having to listen to her body. When she was tired, she had to sleep. When she was hungry, she had to eat. Certain things had to be removed from her diet in order to keep your mind free and clear. She had to learn how to speak gently and kindly to herself. She was learning to take care of herself in the way her body needed as well as putting herself first for the first time in her adult life. No putting herself first in a selfish way but in a way that was necessary for her to live healthy and happy.   

She was amazed by her husband and their three children. The outpouring of love from them spoke volumes to her. Their actions were so much louder than their words. Their kindness and gentleness help mend her back together. She no longer had that pesky wanderlust tugging at her and her family was no longer burdensome. Slowly but surely she started to find her joy again and living wasn’t so hard.