Mr Grumpy

Mr Grumpy

“Oh, it must be THAT time of year again!! Gus said, then flicked his tail twice in the direction of his humans moving about large boxes from the loft. These boxes always smelled funny…of mice he wasn’t able to chase, and moisture he didn’t run in. The boxes come down, and the humans start moving around brightly coloured ornaments…or that’s what the call them. Shiny things Gus used to like to play with when her was younger. The balls he was so found of batting around, until one broke and hurt his paw. The yards of tinsel he liked to eat, until it made him sick and his humans had to take him to the vet…that’s about when he really stopped liking Christmas! But there were the lights…those twinkling, magical things that really got his attention. In his old age, they were about the only toy that made him feel like a kitten again. Especially at New Years, when they brought out flashing ones, that made him dance in a hypnotic kitty disco…oh yes, he liked the lights.

There were many other things Gus the grumpy cat didn’t like about this season. The weather for one…he begged his humans to fix it to no avail. It was hard to go out and hunt when it was always raining and cold. Sometimes, there was this white stuff on the ground…Gus hated how that affected his delicate pink paws. He would immediately come back in. A blanket would quickly be thrown over his humans as welcome warmth, and he would knead those paws back to life but jumping laps…mama. papa, mama, papa …finally mama’s voluptuous lap, because she would wrap him in more blankets and rock him in a baby bouncy bounce until he haps into a kitty coma. There he would stay until mama’s bladder was about to burst, and he was deftly slipped to papa’s lap, where he would proudly snuggle on papa's belly. Well, he did like the extra love and attention he got this time of year, as his family tried to keep warm together. 

Another thing he was not a fan of was all the cleaning for guests. Why pick up things, when he had just gotten them broken in the way he wanted? Papa’s dirty laundry was just fine on the top of the landing; it made a good place for afternoon naps on the rare occasion the sun would peek out. And mama’s throw blankets were just fine in a heep…some lady would come in periodically and fold and stack them out of his reach…oh, the nerve! And his humans would do this dance of moving and cleaning….no laps to be found. He hated the vacuum, that made him run outside, despite the weather. What if his magnificent tail got stuck in that contraption? And the smell of cleansers were not the same…it made it seem like a different house. And when people came, he didn’t get more attention, he got less! It was “Get off my lap, Gus, I need to eat now”, or “move that smelly cat out of here!”. The nerve! Well, the one thing that was fun after people left, was there was this great pile of paper and boxes…now that was Gus’ kind of gift! He spent hours like a madman, making a fort of boxes and shredding paper. Oh, and it was a rare occasion that the heat was turned on, so he did appreciate that, lolling by the radiators like he used to when he was younger. Gus did like the aftermath of guests…

Sometimes, his humans went out all night, or even overnight. That he really didn’t like. No warm laps, no cuddles, blankets out of reach…that was no fun, Sure, they left him food so he didn’t die, but the nerve of leaving HIM alone! He was in charge, why couldn’t he get better help? When his plates were empty, he would often hunt a rodent and bring it in…clearly these people were incapable of taking care of a home if they leave it….they must need all the help they can get! And when they did get home, what did he get in return? His humans were tipsy, and they would toss his offering of a fresh kill out and not roast it, or whatever humans do. He would be miffed with them for a while, but eventually he would crawl into their bed for extra cuddles. Plus they did get this electric blanket, and Gus really liked that. He would spend his nights spread eagle between mama’s legs or try to push papa out of bed so he could take his spot. The small of mama’s back was his favourite, so if he could just move papa a few inches, he could really stretch out. The warmth of their bed when they got back…well, he did really like that. 

Another thing Gus wasn’t a fan of was the season in general. If he had his way, it would be Summer all year. Ahhh, sunny weather, good hunting, long days…no need to be dependent upon these weak, inferior humans who can’t even stop the rain, no matter how much he asked. He was capricious and aloof to his people…it was too hot to be cuddled or under blankets. Hiding under the bushes in the heat, coming out to sunbathe when it was cool enough, watching a rodent by the hour and taking his time to hunt…now that is the life. There was so much fresh, green land to explore. When Gus was young, he could hunt for miles, but these days, he liked to stay closer to home, but still…haunting the patio while his people had refreshing drinks, was a much more pleasant way to spend the day. He didn’t need his people, but he liked to keep an eye on them. Laughing, enjoying the sun, eating outside so maybe he can lick the plates…oh, give him Summer anyday! 

When Gus was young, he was a cute little ball of fur. He missed his furry mum, so he attached himself to these humans. Mama seemed to feed and cuddle more, so she was useful. Although back then, there were young children, and he wasn’t a fan. They pulled his ears, yanked his tail, and stroked his fur against the grain. More importantly, they took ALL the attention! Papa was always buying them toys, stroking their hair, putting them on his lap…not him. Those were many years ago, and now those children are taller than their humans, and they come to visit time to time. Gus still keeps out of reach, but likes to keep an eye on them, usually on a perch in the living room…so he can see what’s going on. Sometimes they sing off key and that bothers his sensitive ears. At dinner time, he has his own king of the castle chair at the table. There he knows mama will give him chicken skins and bones, if they are having a sit down dinner. Mama jumps up and down all the time the young ones are there, so there is no lap to be had. But fresh chicken makes it almost worth it. Ah, Gus does like a nice sit down meal at the table in his special chair...this is something he likes about the festive season.

Gus was a man about town…he knew he ways with the ladies, and any pesky four-legged critter that got in his way, was dealt with swiftly and ferociously. When he was younger, making noise and staying out was his thing. He didn’t need anyone, could stay away for days, could hunt his own dinner if he needed. Miles and miles of the countryside could he roam…he answered to no one. But a funny thing happened as he got older…he stopped just being a cat, and became a pet. He started to love his people; he enjoyed being cuddled, warm, fed, cared for. He learned  that he had a language his people could learn. Papa was much quicker at learning; out, food, pet, door, lap. Mama, bless her, was a little slow..but she was more apt to try harder. She was the one Gus aimed all his demands.... afterall, she was his handmaiden! She tried, and he did like her cooking. Saucy bits, lots of flavour, meaty bits, things with cheese…mama would cook this and Gus would patiently wait his turn. Wasn’t she impressed with his patience? He could just as easily jump in her plate and take things, don’t you know? But, she would make him a floor plate of treats. 

So, now as he was a not such a young man, he realised something…he loved his humans. They brushed him, took care of his flees, dried off his wet fur…and adored him. After being so rogue in his youth, he realised it was nice to be a kitten again and taken care of. He taught mama his sounds and looks. At night, his humans made idiots of themself; making fake cat noises, winking and blinking at him, patting laps, spreading different blankets. You can’t make a cat beg! Or obey. But when he wanted love and attention from HIM, they were there. ‘Lap,lap’ they would call. And Gus wanted them to have a conjoined lap, so he could spread out. They tried, sat together and spread the blanket…that way he could go back and forth. Lord love them, they did try...and Gus realised…he loved them as well. They weren’t so bad…for humans. Needy, but not so bad.

So, when it came to this Christmas stuff, the main thing was the real day. All that cleaning and moving stuff was done, The humans were exhausted and…dare I say...happy? They opened presents in pyjamas and ate all day…Gus wondered why they didn’t do this all the time. The wrapping paper was nice to take a walk in, maybe take a nap. But the best part was the meal. Mama and papa would cook up a storm. The smells were intoxicating…they ran back and forth to the kitchen at a leisurely pace…opening the oven and basting and adding seasoning to something delicious. There were pots boiling, steam filled the air, it was warm and a bustle of activity centred around the kitchen. Papa would dawn a Santa hat and apron, and stir tempting sauces and carve up delicious meats. The morning food that still sat at the coffee table now seemed unimportant. This food, this made it to the room they rarely used; the dining room. Other than having a catflap, it served little purpose. But for Christmas…it was the centrepiece. The coup de gras. The crowning achievement. Decorated and shiny, it looked like Christmas, with tinsel and greenery. Mama and Papa at this point were  hot sweaty and cranky, but they cranked out dish after dish, most of which Gus was not interested in, But then, the jewel in the crown came out…the Turkey! Gus loved it, and mama gave him a generous helping as he waited patiently at his prize chair, sitting with the girls. So, despite being an independent chap, not really needing anything…he realised he loved these people. And he loved turkey. Try as he might, he can’t get his humans to buy it for him the rest of the year. But, this one day of the year, he got turkey, the thing he loved more than anything. So, with family gathered near, and a stocking fill of kitty treats…he realised deep down down…he loved Christmas.