It has been three years since I last saw you. I can still feel you touching my skin like nobody ever could; making me disappear in the world with just you and me. With such care and love, you knew how to handle me when I would be at my worst points. Every word that I would say you would predict as if you knew me before I knew myself. I can still remember your smile; how could one forget such a beautiful smile? Your amber-coloured eyes still haunt me to this day. Your soft lips visit me in my dreams making me jealous that they are stolen from me. Your fingers playing in my hair would sometime annoy me, but I would let you play because I knew how much you loved my coal coloured hair.
You scare me with those olive-green eyes, but they are the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen in my life! - You would always say.
Can't believe the world forgot about us even though I never did. You loved every person that came into your life but I only loved two people - you and myself. Always so selfish, but I still love you; sometimes I wonder why... - You would tell me while caressing my face with your tiny fingers. I would be lying in your lap, curled up like a baby and you would speak all night, and would never get tired. You loved words, especially the words instructed to me. You adored telling everything that is on your mind and you wouldn't mind my silence. I was scared sometimes that I couldn't tell you anything; I felt like the noodle in my throat would just stop me and I would just choke on it. That resulted in my silence, I hope you aren't mad at me Josh. You know I loved you, you were my everything. Now it is late, I know, but you know me! I am always late.
Ah, again with that smile, it can't stop haunting me. I can feel you closer to me. Now I feel your breath near my ears making me tremble as a guitar string. Oh, yes, how can I forget about your loving guitar that you couldn't get out of your hands since you got it.
Do you remember that night? I will refresh your memory.
We were near the edge of a cliff overlooking the sky and the city that was shining in those astonishing blurred lights. The city resembled the sky above us. Tiny dots of light looked like stars that were adorning the view in front of us.
We were sitting on the old rough blanket you took from your grandmother's house because I wouldn't sacrifice mine. I regretted it later because that blanket, ugh... I hated it! I still have trauma from that scratchy material! Don't be so demanding Amanda! Okay the blanket is a bit rough... but look at the sky, look at the view in front of you and everything will be much better, I promise. You tried to calm me, and you did, but not with your suggestion – one glance at you would be enough. I would just look at you and I would see my whole world.
Your strong jaw and cheekbones, your long and narrow neck, that crooked, but the slim nose, those tiny lips, and slanted eyes were everything to me. With all those stars on the sky, you were mine, the one that shone the brightest. But, that same sky divided us. I am not mad at it, it had to - because together we were stronger than the god - us, together, we would have ruled the world.
Do you want me to play my guitar? You know that you would play it even though I would say no, so why did you ask me then? You knew how to counter me and I loved that about you; you were the only one Josh, the only one able to stand up to me, to do whatever you would want even though I was always playing a tough girl. People were scared of me, right? I would be so mean and sarcastic and you would be so nice! Thanks to you we would always get our order right, if it was just me I think the waitress would slam the plate against my face! I guess I deserved it a few times, but you were there, and because of you my face would remain clean.
You started playing. Those beautiful notes of a song you wrote for me were playing to my soul, and my heart was so happy that it was at the edge of bursting out of my chest and crushing a few ribs. Your heart, so beautiful and black, like your hair... - You would joke with me, but you weren't wrong, and you knew it yourself. You would be defensive and would say that you are just joking, but you weren't. You knew I was a bad person, but you loved me... you, out of all people, knew how to love me, you knew how to be with me and be my world. But I was afraid many times that I didn't know how to give back the same amount of love I would receive every day of my life since you entered it. Maybe I have never told you that, but you changed my life, you changed me - even though it is hard to believe, but without you, I would be nobody, no one would ever find a way to love me as me. But you did, how Josh? How did you love me so much? How one person can have so much love in him to be with a person like me? I was so selfish... You may be selfish, but you are like the ocean, with so much depth that it can't be reached, but I will try my best to find that person, the person I would love even more. But then I asked you - "You want me to change?" No, I am not saying I would change you, I would just bring the person I fell in love with to the light so that everybody could see her. You were so good with words, you had that something. When you sing that song that you write for me I would see the fierce man that dared to fall in love with me. I wouldn't wish that even to the worst enemy. I would actually say that and you would just look at me and say you are so much more that you think of yourself, why can't you see that?
But I wasn’t able to see it until it was already late; I looked at your eyes staring back at me when I lost my last breath...
In the Loving Memory
1986 – 2012
I know you hated flowers, but I believe, that deep down you loved them, same as I know how much you loved me even do you didn’t know how to show it. Amber Green, you were loved, you are loved... You will never be alone because I am always with you, even though I am not near your body all the time, your spirit lives in me. I will never forget your black hair that I used to love so much, that I used to play with even though you hated it. The thing I regret the most is that I never got that little scared girl from the depth of the ocean that was hidden inside of you. You were everything to me my star... You’ll never be forgotten – my olive green eyes...
- DAD! – A sweet child’s voice was heard in the distance.
- I am coming, Amber!
There she is, your daughter. The doctors were able to save her life, but they failed in saving yours... I knew what I had to do, I had to call her Amber, she has to carry your legacy like an amulet, deeply carved in her soul. She has black hair, like you and me, and guess what, she has the same olive green eyes that remind me so much of you. When I am looking at her I always see you, looking at me with so much love that you were rarely able to say out loud. But, you didn’t have to, because I was able to read your mind. But that wasn’t the reason why I loved you, Amber, I loved you for so many reasons that you failed seeing in yourself.
We love you, rest in peace my olive green eyes.