The Shakespeare Channel

The Shakespeare Channel       

Characters

Beatrice : known as Bee, a feisty individual who spends all her time arguing with Benny

Benedict : known as Benny, who thinks he is better than Bee and doesn’t need her on the                 show

Claudio : known as Claude, the anchorman of the show, a rather narcissistic man who always             appears a little bored.

Iago: the villain in Shakespeare’s Othello

Miranda: the daughter of Prospero in The Tempest

Prospero : father of Miranda, a magician and the wronged Duke of Milan in The Tempest

A Gravedigger: who discovered the skull of the Yorick, Jester to Hamlet’s father

An Apothecary: who sold the fatal poison to Romeo when he was in Mantua

Stagehand: Man or woman all in black with a series of signs that say Clap, Cheer, Boo,                         Wolfwhistle. 

THE SCENE IS A TV STUDIO WITH THE AUDIENCE AS A TV AUDIENCE

A counter is along one side of the studio with a number of artefacts and a couple of presenters. BEE and BENNY are looking at the items on display. On the other side of the studio are a couple of sofas either side of a wing chair in which CLAUDE is sitting cleaning out his nails. He looks bored. A voice is heard announcing that filming will start in 5 … 4… 3… 2 … 1   The opening music sounds. During the course of the play the stagehand should stay to one side of the stage and show the appropriate signs to the audience.

BEE:                                Well Benny what have we got today on the Shakespeare Channel’s ‘Is It a True Artefact’

BENNY:                          Well, Bee, we have four items tonight for the Studio audience and  viewers at home to vote on. We have Desdemona’s hanky, Romeo’s  poison bottle, Prospero’s staff and Yorick’s skull. One of these is genuine  and three are fakes.

BEE:                                And who is Claude interviewing tonight, Benny?

BENNY:                          Well in the studio tonight we have, and let’s hear a great big  Shakespeare Channel welcome for Iago, An apothecary, Miranda and a Gravedigger.

The named characters come out waving at the audience to massive cheers, whoops and boos – especially for MIRANDA who gets wolf whistled and IAGO who is booed. They all go and take their seats on the sofas.

BEE:                                So Benny, which artefact are we going to discuss first?

BENNY picks up the handkerchief and holds it up. It has a strawberry pattern on it.

BENNY:                          Well we have here the hanky which caused so much trouble for  Desdemona and Othello. This is the strawberry patterned hanky that  Cassio gave to Bianca and asked her to replicate, the hanky that Othello believed contained magical properties which represented Desdemona’s fidelity to her husband.

BEE:                                Wow, that’s quite a heavy load for one handkerchief.  Over to you, Claude.

CLAUDE smiles at the audience who are applauding. He is an older man who clearly has a fan base but is bored with the job he is doing. He has a set of cue cards that he constantly refers to.

CLAUDE:                        So Iago, welcome to the show.

IAGO says nothing. He looks straight ahead and doesn’t move a muscle. Whoever is sitting next to him clearly feels very uncomfortable and begins to shift as far away as possible.

CLAUDE:                        So I believe that you persuaded your wife Emilia to steal this hanky and give it to you.

IAGO says nothing. CLAUDE looks embarrassed.

CLAUDE:                        And allegedly you planted this in Cassio’s rooms so that it would look  like he was having an affair with Desdemona, Othello’s wife. Is that true?

IAGO says nothing and CLAUDE looks more and more irritated.

CLAUDE:                        Then Cassio asked his girlfriend Bianca to copy the design, so my question to you Iago is whether this is the original, authentic hanky or whether it is the copy?

IAGO says nothing.

MIRANDA:                    Iago, sweetie, you need to answer some of the questions – that’s the whole point of the show.

IAGO still says nothing.

CLAUDE:                        So time for a commercial break.

We hear the sound of music that signals a commercial break.

CLAUDE:                        Ok which fucking idiot decided to invite this clown on to the show? You don’t need to be a Shakespeare aficionado to know that he swore never to speak again after his stupid machinations meant that four people died, two of whom he murdered himself.

Collective shock from the audience and whoever is sitting next to IAGO moves and squashes on to the other sofa.

CLAUDE:                        I’m not even sure how we got permission to spring him from jail … why couldn’t we have had Bianca or Cassio? They’d have spun us a good tale.

We hear the voice over 3 .. 2 .. 1 and the end of advert break music.

BEE:                                  And thank you to our sponsors The Quill Pen Company

BENNY:                           At www.featheryquillpen.co.uk

BEE:                                Well, that was an interesting twist, Benny, difficult to know anything  about this artefact.

Bee holds up the strawberry handkerchief.

BEE:                                But it certainly looks like a dainty piece of work to me. You can always tell a good piece of embroidery by checking the back and … oops looks like this has a loose thread, that’s definitely a little suspicious. So Benny what’s our next artefact?

BENNY looks annoyed that BEE is talking so much and takes the handkerchief and puts it back on the counter. He picks up the poison bottle.

BENNY:                          This is the poison bottle that Romeo purchased from an apothecary in Mantua and we have the very apothecary who sold him the bottle with us in the studio tonight. Over to you, Claude.

CLAUDE, who is caught slightly unawares is once again cleaning out under his fingernails.

CLAUDE:                        Well, here we are with our Mantuan apothecary – welcome to the show.  And would you like to tell us your name? Our mate Will was very lax about filling in any background detail on some of his minor characters.

APOTHECARY:              Claude, thank you for inviting me onto the show. It gives me enormous pleasure to be here – a dream fulfilled. I have spent my whole life being sidelined and vilified for selling that poison to Romeo, but let’s be fair I  was very poor. I sold medicines and it was easy to make up a bottle of poison.

CLAUDE:                        And you did this knowing that to sell the poison was to risk the death sentence?

APOTHECARY:                           Yes, I did, I needed the money. My wife was expecting our fifth child and I needed the money to feed and clothe them all. Romeo paid very well.

CLAUDE:                        You haven’t told us your name …

APOTHECARY:              As you mentioned the selling of poison carries the death penalty in Mantua. I think I would prefer to remain anonymous.

CLAUDE:                        Now my glamorous assistant over there is holding up the poison vial for the audience in the studio and at home to see ... what can you tell me about it?

BENNY goes to grab the vial but BEE gets it first and holds it up. The camera goes for a close up on the vial.

APOTHECARY:              Well I can assure you I’d know my own bottle anywhere. Glass was highly prized at the time and that little bottle was one of a batch that I had delivered from Northern Saxony. It has the distinctive onion shape and if you look closely there will probably be some cork residue, I always stoppered all my bottles with cork.

CLAUDE:                        Would one of you like to look for cork residue?

BEE looks at the top of the vial and runs her finger round it. She passes it to BENNY reluctantly as he holds out his hand and he too runs his finger around the rim. They both shake their heads.

APOTHECARY:              I think that just goes to prove the high quality of the cork that I use, that it comes out in one smooth motion and there is no residue.

CLAUDE:                        And were there perhaps any distinguishing marks on this particular bottle that we might be able to spot?

APOTHECARY:              Of course, usually all apothecaries mark their bottles, but because of the rather sensitive nature of the contents this particular bottle was left unmarked.

CLAUDE:                        Thank you for your time and let’s hear from our sponsors.

We hear the sound of music that signals a commercial break.

BEE:                                I’m sick of this, why is it that Benny gets to say all the good lines and I  just stand around like some bimbo side kick? I just want to make it clear that I have far higher A Level grades than him, that I didn’t  have to resit my second year at uni because I’d spent so much time pissing about in the students’ union and that of the two of us I am the one with a PHD.

BENNY:                          And therein lies the problem sweet cheeks. You are too clever for your own good. All studious knowledge and no charisma, no vitality, no good old-fashioned pizzazz. No I might not be brain of Britain but I can schmooze an audience when I need to and …

We hear the voice over 3 .. 2 .. 1 and the end of advert break music. Camera swings to BENNY and BEE who have plastered smiles across their faces.

BEE:                                And thank you to our sponsors The Quill Pen Company

BENNY:                          At www.featheryquillpen.co.uk

BEE:                                And what’s our third item Benny?

BENNY:                          It’s this amazing skull.

BENNY picks up the skull very gingerly and holds it up.

BEE:                                Yeugh, is that a real piece of someone’s body?

BENNY:                          I think that’s exactly what Claude is hoping to prove. Over to you, Claude.

CLAUDE:                        So remind me whose grave were you digging when you came across the skull?

GRAVEDIGGER:            Well as you probably remember I had a bit of a joke with the young Hamlet about that, clearly it was my grave as I was digging it …

CLAUDE:                         What? Your grave? I don’t understand. I thought the whole point was you were digging Ophelia’s grave and...

GRAVEDIGGER:            Well technically yes, although Bert and I were rather concerned about the fact that the young lady in question had been found drowned in a river. Now she could have fallen in by accident or got that floaty dress she was wearing caught on some reeds or tree branches but rumour had it that she had killed herself and if that was the case, I certainly didn’t want to be responsible for digging her grave on hallowed soil and ..

CLAUDE:                         Surely you aren’t so narrow minded that you believe a suicide should be buried outside the church graveyard.

GRAVEDIGGER:            It’s the law ... but as I said I was having a bit of banter with young Hamlet and ...

CLAUDE:                         I don’t remember any banter in Hamlet – do you Benny?

BENNY:                           No, but to be fair I’ve never stayed awake much past Rosencrantz and Guildenstern’s arrival.

CLAUDE:                         So you made it that far eh? I don’t remember ever seeing  anyone with those names in Hamlet – to be honest I see tickets to Hamlet as an opportunity to catch up on a bit of shut eye and as you, Mr Gravedigger, are well into the second half I’m not sure I’ve ever really come across  you at all. Now tell me something about this skull. How can we tell it’s the genuine artefact? The real deal?

GRAVEDIGGER:            You only have to look at the hollow of the cheeks and the shape of the nose to see that that’s old Yorick.

CLAUDE:                         Yorick?

GRAVEDIGGER:            The old king’s jester.

CLAUDE:                         Is this another name I’ve missed by sleeping through the play?

BEE:                                  You pair of philistines. I for one think that this is the real deal. It looks  so eerie and gruesome.

BEE picks up the skull very gingerly. It slips through her fingers and half bounces on the floor. It is clearly made of rubber.

BEE:                                  And I think we should move to our next commercial break.

We hear the sound of music that signals a commercial break.

CLAUDE:                         Powder please, I can feel the shine just bouncing like that bloody skull.  Seriously Bee you wonder why they don’t make you higher profile. If  you want a job next week leave the blasted artefacts for Benny to  handle.

BEE:                                  That’s just so out of order. Since when did you do the hiring and firing  around here? 

CLAUDE:                         Since I became the name that people tune in to listen to. You better just buck up your ideas if you want to work anywhere in TV. 

BEE:                                  Was that a threat because...

We hear the voice over 3 .. 2 .. 1 and the end of advert break music. Camera swings to BENNY and BEE. BEE is looking furious and her mouth is open to shout something but then pulls it together and smiles with grim determination.

BEE:                                  And thank you to our sponsors The Quill Pen Company

BENNY:                           At www.featheryquillpen.co.uk

BEE:                                  Our final artefact is this amazing staff that was said to belong to the one  and only Prospero. And in the studio today we have his only daughter, Miranda, Queen of Naples and Duchess of Milan.

BEE is twirling the staff a little like a cheerleader’s baton, which looks highly dangerous as it is so long. BENNY is hopping from one foot to the other desperately trying to get the staff and speak.

BEE:                                  Over to you, Claude.

CLAUDE looks horrified and then beams across at MIRANDA looking vaguely excited for the first time.

MIRANDA:                     I wouldn’t swing that staff like that if I was you.

BEE:                                  Really? Why not? Is it the real deal? The genuine artefact?

CLAUDE:                         Shut up Bee, I ask the questions …

There is a shocked drawing in of breath from the audience.

CLAUDE:                         Now Miranda, I may call you Miranda may I? Or would you prefer Your Majesty?

MIRANDA:                     Oh dear me no. Miranda is fine. When you grew up on an almost uninhabited island, because obviously deformed whelps of witches don’t really count as inhabitants, whatever they try to prove in court - seriously, claiming that the island was his, employing a property lawyer. I really think you need to stop waving Daddy’s staff around like that.

CLAUDE:                         But I think Miranda, we all know that this can’t be the real staff. After all, let’s be honest, we’ve seen it broken in half and buried with your father’s magic books so many times. How can it possibly be the real deal, the genuine artefact.

MIRANDA laughs out loud for a long time and looks at CLAUDE as if he is really stupid.

MIRANDA:                     My father is the greatest magician ever to have breathed on this planet. Do you know how intoxicating power can be … do you really think he would give all that up when with a simple sleight of hand he could make it look like it had all been destroyed. Smoke and mirrors my innocent friend, it was all done with smoke and mirrors and I really, really would suggest that you stop twirling it around because ..

Suddenly there is the sound of thunder and a flash of light. PROSPERO stands there in all his splendour. Long flowing hair, a book under his arm and looking very cross.

PROSPERO:                    There it is – I’ve been looking everywhere for that. Miranda have you been stealing my things again?

PROSPERO marches over to BEE and removes the staff.

MIRANDA:                     Borrowing Daddy, just borrowing. I really wanted to meet Claude and come on the ‘Is It a True Artefact’ show, but honestly Daddy, Claude is such a dick and Benny’s no better, you should hear the way they talk to Bee.

PROSPERO looks at CLAUDE and thumps his staff down. In place of CLAUDE a toad is sitting in the chair. BENNY takes one look and runs from the studio. MIRANDA grins and PROSPERO thumps the staff once more and vanishes.

BEE:                                  Well Ladies and Gentleman, Boys and Girls here in the studio and at  home I think we don’t need a vote tonight to decide which is the true artefact. I hope you’ve enjoyed this week’s show. Thanks to our studio guests, Iago, the apothecary, the gravedigger, the lovely Miranda, Queen of Naples and Duchess of Milan and to her father, Prospero, for his unexpected visit. Do join us again next week when our artefacts and guests will be Bianca Minola with her lute, Mistress Page with her laundry basket, Bassanio with a lead casket and Iris with an asp. So until then this is goodnight from ‘Is It A True Artefact’

Closing music and credits of the programme