For Immediate Relief of (Existential) Discomfort and Pain

For Immediate Relief of (Existential) Discomfort and Pain 

Excerpt from The Covens’ Guide to the Transition: When You’re in Middle Age and Your Worlds Are Colliding and A’flaming, Chapter 10, “Helpful Recipes To Keep You from Homicide When Your Ill or Dying Parents, Teenagers, and ‘Reply-all’ Co-workers Take You to the Brink of the Void” 

2 tablespoons baking soda 

1 cup of water

2 whole lemons

2 teaspoons of salt

1 shot of tequila

1 pillow (preferably quality down and at least full size)

1 sketch or journal book

1 dog (or a cat, or a pet rat, whatever works, I don’t know your life) 

Servings: One. Can be made multiple times a day, however, depending on the degree of pain and discomfort. We have listed various recipes for pain mitigation, etc., including all or some of the ingredients listed above. Enjoy! 

Instructions, per ailment: 

Annoying Co-worker/Minor Nuisance

1. Use 1 sketch book, draw your co-worker experiencing an extinction-level event — like the one that killed the dinosaurs — while sitting on a Zoom they organized and which could've easily been an email. 
2. If it is a work-from-home day, you can also turn off your camera and take the pillow and scream into it repeatedly until the homicidal rage simmers down to a rolling boil. 
3. If necessary, you can mix the baking soda with the water to mitigate any recurring ulcer pain. 

Teenage Meltdown/Anxiety Crisis 

1. If you are safe, attempt to use 1 sketchbook with your teenager; drawing out your mutual frustration while breathing in and out in tandem. (Please note, the latter is a Michelin-level technique, do not try if this is your first attempt at this particular recipe.) 
2. Layman recipe continued: Speak to the teenager in a calm and collected fashion, mostly nodding your head and listening. 
3. You will likely not have to speak at this point, but if you do, think of it as you would a delicate soufflé – no matter what you do, you will likely end up in some state of collapse. Either way, be assured that this is a tricky one and you’ve done the best you can.
4. The end-result will hopefully reflect the intense prep work you put into it. (Check out last bestseller, Tequila, Teens, and Teaspoons: Cooking and Coping with Gusto!) While you wait for the outcome, cut one of the lemons, gently squeeze some lemon juice onto your wrist, sprinkle a little salt on it. Retain the lemon slice for later use. 
5. Now, lick your wrist, down your shot of tequila, and then stick the leftover lemon in your mouth.
6. Next, take your 1 pet, place it next to you, and proceed to gaze at each other in mutual commiseration with the kernel of hope that the sweet little person you once knew will come back to you and want to play nicely again.

Politics, the Burning Planet, Patriarchy

This particular recipe may seem complex because it uses all of the ingredients listed. The good news is that the previous recipes have already walked us through the basics, and even better, the order of implementation is entirely up to you. 

1. We have found, however, that beginning this with the lemon/salt/tequila recipe detailed above really sets the palette tone for the rest of the recipe. 
2. At this point, you will want to grab that pillow and rage scream until your vocal chords give out. Picture the politicians who care more about sound bites than action, the ones who prioritize the gun lobby over actual human beings, like women and children. 
3. Optional: You can add another full-throated dose of despair into that pillow when you think about the Amazon burning and of plastics in the ocean and in your bloodstream. (Look out for our next illustrated cookbook, Making Pot Pies Out of Phthalates!) 
4. I know what you’re thinking, is the next step to smother myself with the pillow? Not at all — this particular recipe doesn’t call for that so let’s move on to the next step. 
5. Grab the sketchbook or journal and write down what you’re feeling – better yet, indulge in your own recipe for the righteous wrath you would bring upon the enemies of the planet and for those who perpetuate the patriarchy! 
6. Now, throw that baking soda generously into the water, stir it vigorously, drink it – your vocal chords and your ulcer will appreciate it. 
7. Now, once again, grab the pillow. Lay it on the floor and find that emotional support rat. Lay it on your recently alleviated stomach and breathe in and out slowly, not only bringing an end to the process but also providing a gentle and soothing mattress for your rat. (Please note, if your support animal is a 70-pound pittie, perhaps just pet it at your side, or share your pillow. A pittie on the stomach will not help the tequila stay down, regardless of the baking soda concoction we added to our recipe.) 

A final note on this particular recipe, you may use the second lemon if the discomfort and pain continue. Cut it in half, and gently squeeze over any scratch or open wound you may already have. The resulting pain will ensure that you will be focusing on something other than the inevitable doom of humanity for at least a few precious moments. (We love an ingredient that can serve multiple purposes!)

Grief, and Other Losses

This is a particularly tough recipe to pull off because pain and discomfort can vary greatly, depending on the day. Sometimes you will want to skip straight to using the pillow and only the pillow. However, like the best of ingredients, this one can have multiple uses! In addition to the rage-screaming, you can punch the pillow, or hit an inanimate object with it! 

However, let’s explore a recipe that’s helpful when we want something with a little variety: 

1. Start with the journal or sketchbook. Write down or sketch some of the things that you miss most about the person you’ve lost. Feel free to improvise – many traditional recipes call for swallowing emotions instead of playing with them, but that’s no fun (or helpful for that ulcer,  but you have that baking soda and water in case you need it!)
2. You may have produced your own organic salt while engaging in step 1. So lick a few of those tears off your face, and proceed with the tequila/lemon recipe from above. This will help move us to the next step. 
3. The next step may include repeating other steps! Perhaps at this point you go back to your journal, or you use the pillow as you progress. 
4. Take your support animal and hold it as you cry into its fur, or talk to it about your person and why you loved them. 

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