Make Sure to Pick a Good Title

Submitted into Contest #92 in response to: Write about a character who thinks they have a sun allergy.... view prompt

53 comments

Romance Fiction

The forest was pretty. 

So...blah.

The forest was intriguingly beautiful. 

Nah…

The deep dark forest was very beautiful.

Eh… a little better I suppose.

The spooky forest was very pleasing to my eyes.

Do spooky and pleasing really go together? Who knew.

The engrossing grove of trees was prepossessing to my sight.

Ooh, now you have my interest. I give you permission to move on.

I walked with my head low.

Woah, woah, woah, take a break. I mean, ‘I walked with my head low’? Surely you can do better than that.

I strode with a frown on my face, despite the pretty scene.

Again, ‘pretty’...so vague. 

I strode with a frown on my face, despite the charming scene.

Good, good, now we’re getting somewhere.

‘Why isn’t my magic working?’ I thought.

Ooh, building character are we? Very nice.

I sighed and kicked a rock off the path.

Try to enhance this a bit more, c’mon, I know you can.

I sighed heavily and kicked a small rock off the beaten dirt path that I was walking on.

Hold it, hold it, that’s a bit too much enhancing there, we don’t need all of those adjectives.

I sighed heavily and kicked a rock off the path.

There we go.

‘Is there something wrong with me? What did I do wrong?’ I thought to myself.

That’s basically the same question in different forms so…

‘Is there something wrong with me? What did I ever do to deserve this?’ I thought to myself. 

Much better.

My eyes looked around me. The squirrels were flying through the trees.

Hmm... how exactly do squirrels fly? And try to intensify ‘looked’.

My eyes darted around me. The squirrels were hopping from tree to tree.

Okay, good job with the first part, but now the second.

My eyes darted around me. The squirrels were gamboling in the trees.

Nice.

The birds were chirping.

My dude, that is SO cliche. Come on now.

The birds sang a lovely melody. 

Acceptable I suppose…

The gregarious birds crooned an exquisite melody.

Ooh, very eye-catching!

The tip of my hat was just enough to shield my face from the sun.

Dude come on.

The brim of my black fedora was just enough to shield my face from the anguishing sun’s rays. 

Nice, nice. 

“Jarred!” A voice called out.

Hm...there has to be something you can augment here, there has to be.

“Jarred!” a familiar voice called out.

Very well.

I turned toward the voice. 

Sure why not.

I glanced at Kaytlen, my old friend from high school.

How about replacing old with former? And friend with acquaintance?

I glanced at Kaytlen, my former acquaintance from high school.

Ah, so much better.

“Uh, Kaytlen, what are you doing here? Isn’t this forest supposed to be secret, for a magician's eyes only?”

Ooh, I can sense a relational disagreement here, splendid!

“Well, Jarred, girls can have secrets too you know.”

Burnt like toast.

“I suppose so...but why are you here?”

Oof, how harsh.

“I’m here to see him, as I’m sure you are?”

Ooh intriguing.

“Yeah,” I mumbled. I let the silence grow.

Nope nope nope, too vague.

“Yeah,” I muttered under my breath. I let the silence between us grow like a dark chasm.

OOH nice one.

Kaytlen shifted uneasily. “Uh, Jarred? Can I ask you something?”

Ooooooh the love card has been pulled.

I braced myself for what I knew was coming. I put on a straight face and looked into her blue-green eyes. 

Straight face? Really? What could be more cliche? 

I fortified myself for what I knew was coming. I put on an impassive face and looked into her blue-green eyes.

That’s what I’m talking about!

“Yes, what is it?”

Good, good.

Her eyes wandered about aimlessly.

Nope, not good enough.

Her eyes wandered about futilely. 

Ooh-la-la!

“I’ve just...it’s just…” she took a deep breath of fresh mountain air. “I’m worried about the fates, Jarred. You know, they have a way of messing things up.”

Hm...switch that last sentence up a bit...

“I’ve just...it’s just…” she took a deep breath of fresh mountain air. “I’m worried about The Fates, Jarred. They have a way of messing things up, you know?”

Bravo! IT’s coming along quite well!

I loosened up a little. “I’ve been thinking the same thing. They seem to get their way, no matter how much destruction we go through to get them there.”

Wow, these ‘fates’ seem like something you don’t want to mess with for sure!

Her gaze softened like butter in the microwave.

Some metaphor lol.

“Nice to know that I’m not alone in my rebellious thinking.” She smiled nice and warmly, which put the sun’s warmth into questioning.

Fix this up a bit…

“Nice to know that I’m not alone in my rebellious thinking.” She smiled warmly, which put the sun’s warmth to shame.

Better, better.

Despite the levels of warmth, I felt a cold feeling down my neck.

Try something else...I want to feel the cold down my neck, L.W.

Regardless of the warmth, I felt a cold sensation crawl down my neck.

Ah, yes, thank you.

I felt a sudden urge to reach out and kiss her forever.

As nice as this is, I know you can do better.

I felt a sudden urge to reach out and gently lay my lips on hers, enveloping her in a kiss that lasts a lifetime.

Bravo! Bravo! I think you’re ready to submit it now! Make sure to pick a good title!

The engrossing grove of trees was prepossessing to my sight. I strode with a frown on my face, despite the charming scene. 

‘Why isn’t my magic working?’ I thought.

I sighed heavily and kicked a rock off the path. 

‘Is there something wrong with me? What did I ever do to deserve this?’ I thought to myself. 

My eyes darted around me. The squirrels were gamboling in the trees. The gregarious birds crooned an exquisite melody. The brim of my black fedora was just enough to shield my face from the anguishing sun’s rays. 

“Jarred!” a familiar voice called out.

I turned toward the voice. I glanced at Kaytlen, my former acquaintance from high school.

“Uh, Kaytlen, what are you doing here? Isn’t this forest supposed to be secret, for a magician's eyes only?”

“Well, Jarred, girls can have secrets too you know.”

“I suppose so...but why are you here?”

“I’m here to see him, as I’m sure you are?”

“Yeah,” I muttered under my breath. I let the silence between us grow like a dark chasm.

Kaytlen shifted uneasily. “Uh, Jarred? Can I ask you something?”

I fortified myself for what I knew was coming. I put on an impassive face and looked into her blue-green eyes.

“Yes, what is it?”

Her eyes wandered about futilely. 

“I’ve just...it’s just…” she took a deep breath of fresh mountain air. “I’m worried about The Fates, Jarred. They have a way of messing things up, you know?”

I loosened up a little. “I’ve been thinking the same thing. They seem to get their way, no matter how much destruction we go through to get them there.”

Her gaze softened like butter in the microwave.

“Nice to know that I’m not alone in my rebellious thinking.” She smiled warmly, which put the sun’s warmth to shame.

Regardless of the warmth, I felt a cold sensation crawl down my neck. 

I felt a sudden urge to reach out and gently lay my lips on hers, enveloping her in a kiss that lasts a lifetime.

May 05, 2021 04:06

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53 comments

Phoenix Langston
19:38 May 05, 2021

I agree with Sia: this is a lot different than what you normally do, but I love it! The editor-voice-in-your-head thing simultaneously seems like the best and worst friend you could possibly have. It's actually pretty relatable! My favorite editor lines were "My dude, that is SO cliche. Come on now" and "Ooooooh the love card has been pulled" -- which is always an excellent moment in a story. Like I said, the best/worst friend in the world. You did craft an interesting little tale there, though! With the help of your editor mind friend, it t...

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Absolutely love this. Shows the process of writing, then giving us the story. So amazing, you have a real talent for this and it gives the reader a special connection to the author. No, that's not right... It breaks a barrier between the reader as their eyes gaze at the words, imagining the author's steady hand, adjusting the words that give us such great imagery. That's better. Lol ur better at it XD so amazingggg!

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06:23 May 05, 2021

👌 A little different from your usual, right?

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Samantha Langley
12:56 May 05, 2021

Ooooooooh nice! I really like this... you should do more like it.

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Radhika Diksha
17:13 May 06, 2021

I loved your new side of writing. I could see some of the pain reflecting here, your feelings expressing themselves. You have really evolved as a very brilliant writer. I loved it. Good work, keep writing.

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14:23 May 06, 2021

Part Two released!

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Radhika Diksha
07:44 May 06, 2021

New story out. Would love your feedback.

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10:49 May 05, 2021

Okay- I loved this. The whole 'hmm, you might want to change that', is like a little guardian writer that's sitting on your shoulder, helping you out- I love it. Great work, Tiffany! :D

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06:44 May 05, 2021

This was AMAZING!! You adequately captured a writer's thinking and the insinuations and implications behind the lines. I can so relate. You captured how a writer doesn't want to say that "The forest was pretty. " but instead "The engrossing grove of trees was prepossessing to my sight. " You also captured how a writer purposely places dialogue and sentences for character development. I love how you showed how a writer thinks when writing a story. The vocabulary was just (chefs kiss) perfecto! I also have to state how much I love the way ...

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Angel {Readsy}
13:21 May 05, 2021

Highly fascinated by reading your superb comment it is the longest one

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13:22 May 05, 2021

Thank you for your fascination XD😁

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Angel {Readsy}
13:23 May 05, 2021

Honored

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19:17 May 07, 2021

Idk where the other thread went so :) hiii

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22:45 May 06, 2021

I liked this story a lot! It was really fun to read the interaction with your “inner editor.” I think you showed exactly what pretty much all writers go through with that part! And the finished story was amazing—you’re so good with descriptions! :D 🐈‍⬛

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*New thread* Dogs are very loyal. How many chickens would it take to kill an elephant?

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00:43 May 06, 2021

I love the editors voice in there :') added a little something that I liked :) the title XD very nice choice :) MANGOOD 🥭🥭🥭 job!! everything is very mysterious; I like it ;) ~ Amethyst

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01:41 May 08, 2021

Amethyst, This is not my convo, but I just have to say that I love the pun! Sorry for intruding!!

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20:12 May 08, 2021

Thanks! XD it's fine :)

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20:15 May 08, 2021

I am preparing to comment on your story soon so look out!

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20:19 May 08, 2021

thanks! :)

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20:26 May 08, 2021

my pleasure'')

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Kaylee Lin
20:53 May 11, 2021

This is very funny, and 100% relatable :) I also read your bio so..... 🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌...

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Angel {Readsy}
05:53 May 05, 2021

" here, splendid" not only splendid but it is magnificent, sumptuous,superb spectacular and luxurious rhyming vocabulary, I wonder ........

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Angel {Readsy}
05:44 May 05, 2021

Really , " The forest was intriguingly beautiful". Well said

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00:45 Jul 28, 2021

I loved this story! I could hear that little editor's voice changing up the lines. Great job, Wolf! :) -b r o n a n a

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Amel Parvez
07:10 May 19, 2021

WOW! It was different AND brilliant! and this phrase melted me too (lol) : 'Her gaze softened like butter in the microwave.' anyways L O V E D I T <3

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