Blitzen's Resignation

Dear Santa,

First, thank you for teaching me to read and write. I now see how useful and important a tool it is. It’s been a long-time coming Santa, but I’m turning in my resignation. I have waited and waited these last couple years for any scrap of respect or acknowledgement you’d give to me... Even a “good job Blitzen” after any of our missions would have sufficed. You used to love and respect every single one of us reindeer, and we made for an incredible team because of it. Then along comes Rudolph with his stupid shiny red nose and now you no longer have time for any of us. How hard is it to give my soft pelt a rub or two? Well, it’s all for naught anymore, but I hope for the other reindeer’s sake you find the time to do that occasionally. Show them you still care, or sooner than later you’ll end up with a few more resignations on your desk.

I cannot help but be upset after how much time and hard work I’ve put into our team and into Christmas itself, just to feel your interest in me fade with time. Who was it you called out to in the blistering snowstorms taking place in ‘08, when a gust of wind nearly knocked you off the sleigh? Or what happened when Comet’s leg blew out a few years ago during our deliveries in Canada? Who was it who took on the brunt of the load on the sleigh’s lefthand side and kept us steady that whole trip until we got home?

My options are a bit limited now; I know. The Grinch’s heart is three times bigger than it used to be, so I doubt he will be needing a reindeer to help him steal presents during Christmas. If I’m being honest, I’ve always thought the Easter bunny was a bit of a fluffer so you won’t see me hiding Easter Eggs or anything like that. So, it’s either back to living a normal reindeer life… Or perhaps I will write a book. A book that goes into my heartbreaking departure from being a part of the sleigh team and goes into painstaking detail of how everything has changed working for Santa since he found his favorite reindeer, ‘Rudolph’.

Trust me, people won’t be able to get enough when they start to hear how the beloved Santa Clause treats his elves and his reindeer and Ms. Clause behind closed doors... The yelling from the house that we—the reindeer—could all hear from way out in the barn. Elves’ hands shaking, tinkering with sweat pouring down their faces. You, strutting by, supervising their work, making sure they were always on task. The countless hours we reindeer spent training, the strict dietary regimen we were forced to adhere to or even the magical juicing we had to do at times… It all seemed worth it when you showered us with your love and affection. but with that no longer there, things had begun to feel so empty; I could not bear to see another Christmas of it.

If only I knew what has got you so enraptured with this Rudolph fella. I mean, is it really that huge red nose he has? Just because he’s ‘a little different’ than the rest of us? I could think of any parameter that makes for a good, sleigh-guiding reindeer and Rudolph wouldn’t be at the top any of those lists. You can’t tell me with technology as far along as it is today that we can’t figure out how to light the front of the sleigh. As for Rudolph, it would be more practical to have him hovering at a stop light, filling in for the red part.

You know the only thing about being on the back of the sleigh that I enjoyed? When you got a gulp of smelly air back there and coughed and said, “What was that?” as if you had no idea you were inhaling a toot of mine at the time. You cannot blame me for the smell, Mrs. Clause always cooks Brussel sprouts before we do our test ride on the 24th. If I was a human, perhaps I could have turned around and seen your face one of those times, that would have been the real kicker.

But as upset as I am about having to leave under such circumstances, I am really going to miss the team. Tell Donner I will always cherish our good times together. He was anybody’s idea of a good best friend. Tell Comet I will miss his jokes; they always seemed to lighten the mood when things were stressful and especially tough. Tell Dasher I’ll miss our races. I couldn’t have asked for a better rival. Dancer… tell him that, yeah, maybe he was the best-looking reindeer of all of us, but I’ll never forgive him for always having to rub it in all our faces. Tell Cupid that I appreciate her always being there to pat me on the back when I did well and congratulate me for all my contributions. Give Vixen my number and tell her I said this was for the best. And tell Prancer… ah never mind. It wouldn’t matter what you told him. He’d just keep prancing away like a re****. As for Santa’s pet Rudolph, let him know that he won’t be the only reindeer on Santa’s sleigh that goes down in history. I’ll be more famous than Rudolph one of these days and I’ll have you know it fat man.

P.S. I better not find any of your surveillance equipment in my new domicile or at my new workplace or anything of the sort. I know what to look out for and I know all your tricks and secrets.

P.P.S. When I had finally decided to put in my resignation, I asked Mrs. Clause to bake me a full sheet of her famous home-made cookies. Then I asked her if she wanted to go for a solo ride. She was all about it! In fact, she was the one who suggested we go bare-back…

Take care Santa,

Your old pal Blitzen