Creative Nonfiction

Dear Diary,

Ever wondered why it's called a "window of opportunity"? Why not a "door of opportunity"? Why should I climb and wedge myself into an opportunity? Why can't I just walk through to one? Why does the path that leads to something good, has to always be tight and uncomfortable? Not to mention that climbing through a window always has a risk of getting stuck in said window with no way of moving forward and no way of going back. In my humble opinion, it sounds a bit harsh, unnecessary and unfair to be honest. It might even explain why some people wave the opportunity goodbye as it floats by like a cloud on a windy day.

You may be wondering why I am complaining about windows. The answer is fairly simple: because I've met someone. Well, not exactly met. Technically I swiped right and it was a match. According to his profile, he's 26 years old, 5 foot 7 tall. He's also an engineer who likes food, travel, Marvel and Queen so basically it's a 4 out of 4 of things I like as well. He looks incredibly handsome in his pictures. Blonde hair, a perfect set of teeth, and a jaw so sharp I can cut myself touching his face. Oh, which reminds me, he's also British and lives 3566 km away which means I cannot actually touch his face. See my problem? I sure know how to get myself into a tricky situation, don't I?

Oh don't look at me like that! You're a diary for God's sake. You're supposed to be judgement free. And besides, we've been talking for over a month now and it's going great so far so get off my back, will ya?!

I know he's far away but I can't help but feel so close to him. He has this way of making you feel comfortable and safe enough to be yourself and to unleash your inner weirdo with all its silliness and goofiness. I don't have to be the perfect little pretty woman with him. Instead, I am the woman who balances a pen on her upper lip, who makes silly faces to the camera and who makes gifs of herself. Before you burst my bubble and start warning me about him being an Arabian prince who's after my money, let me assure you that first of all, I heard his attempts at speaking Arabic and believe me the vomit and drowning noises he makes are definitely not Arabic. Besides, we've also had some video chats so far and they all went great. They felt so effortless and natural and went on for one or two hours at a time without even noticing the time passing. We can talk about anything and everything no matter how silly or how deep. We can either argue over who's the strongest Avenger (definitely not Thor) or we can share our deepest, darkest and most traumatic life experiences. He pushes me to be better and do better. He challenges me to learn new things, have new experiences and become a better version of myself without pressuring me into anything I don't feel comfortable doing. He's genuinely the nicest, sweetest, funniest and all together incredible guy I have ever met. He makes me laugh. He makes time during his hectic work schedule to send me a text. He didn't try to make any early or unwanted sexual advances. On the contrary, he respects and matches my pace. And we were actually discussing meeting in Cyprus in a couple of month. He is even considering coming with me to Lebanon after spending some time in Cyprus. How awesome is that? To be honest, I am so excited but I am also scared. What if we don't get along when we finally meet in person? What if he doesn't like me? What if I don't like him? What if we built it up so much during these months and raised the bar so high that we eventually got disappointed. You see, I like him. I trust him. I think about him a lot. And during a month's time, he somehow managed to become an important part of my life. I don't want to ruin that. But not meeting in person will eventually ruin that and meeting in person also has a risk of ruining that. See my dilemma? I've got one leg out of the window and one still inside the house and the window ledge definitely left a mark on my body. I'm not stuck. I'm just not moving.

Oh! Now I see why it's called a "window of opportunity". Because it can't be as simple as turning a door handle and walking through the door. It can't be something you do on autopilot. You have to make a choice and be fully conscious and aware of it. You have to assess the risks, the potential consequences and all the possibilities for an outcome and still commit to that choice. Yes, I might get hurt but I'll know I wasn't blinded. And even if I was, I'll know that I willingly chose to stare at the sun. Yes, I might fall but I'll know that I walked with my own two feet to that abyss. And yes, I might be happy and I'll know that I made my own happiness. They say that when one door closes, a window opens. I say that once you climb through an open window, another window opens.

I opened a window on my phone after a suggestion from a friend and thanks to the pandemic (four words I never thought I would say) because I wanted to meet new people and Tinder was the closest thing to a social life my hypochondriac self could have during a pandemic, and by the looks of it, this window will lead apparently to me looking out of an airplane window (hopefully that one will be closed though). I have no idea what the next step will be. It kind of feels like I'm driving a car in the middle of the night and I can only see a couple of meters past the headlights but weirdly enough, I'm okay with that. Let's climb through that window out of the house that feels so comfortable and familiar. After all, familiarity breeds comfort, comfort breeds routine and routine... well, routine breeds a life unlived.

June 08, 2021 18:52

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