Migraine

In the beginning, it was easy to pretend that this was only temporary that my life had not changed in some huge ultimatum. The conditions of which to this day I am unclear of. We live our lives not knowing with the faith that there is a reason and that it will do us good. That is what I think on a good day on a bad one I think that this is hell and I must have committed a hideous crime. 

I willed the pain and disabling symptoms away. I told myself many people had it worse than I did. As true as that statement was it did not get rid of the pain, the guilt, the isolation, the desperation, and the desire. She wanted her independence back she wanted her job back. Mostly she wanted her brain back. The fog that invaded her mind and locked information just out of reach. Thinking felt like trying to reach the finish line only for it to move just out of reach repeatedly in a never-ending cycle. My mind was my greatest strength and the loss of its sharpness, the slowing of speech, and the dullness of reactions was wearing thin. I was losing a battle that I couldn’t fight. The more I fought and pretended that it had no power over me the more I lost. Migraine isn't something you can work through. I have tried if you ignore it, the pain is double what it was before. If the head pain goes away there is another symptom to take its place dizziness, nausea, confusion, light sensitivity it is a chimera with hydra-like capabilities. One problem is solved and two more appear you fix one of those and the original problem is back with friends you hadn't met yet. A nightmare in a funhouse.

My eyes, my hands, my legs they all began to malfunction. If I were a computer, they could restart me, and replace the broken parts and I would be fixed. Unfortunately for me, humans are not that simple to repair. It has been at least five years of being careful, doing what I am told, watching as I deteriorate allowing anxiety and illness to dictate my actions. It has caused me nothing but the pain which turned into nerve pain, and the answer to that is just deal with it, and here is how, but never fear we have pills. I loathe choking down pills before breakfast and before sleep every single day. Yet I take them without fail and without hesitation. The fear that it will get worse. That I won’t be able to work. I would be the burden I always thought I was. 

Then again, I am so tired. I am tired in the way that not even a goodnight's sleep can touch. My muscles ache and I stand on the edges of life watching it go by. Usually trying to find an escape. My world is pain. Every movement and decision has a cost. I joke that it isn’t suicide if it is an accident. I wonder how many people really recognize that I am not kidding, but it will never happen because I have too much to do. I have so many people to love. In that respect, I am so grateful for the people around me. Even though they are far away in the middle of life and I can only observe them and love them from afar. My relationships strain under my constant decision to push people away so they don’t worry too much or so I don’t have to deal with them not understanding the situation or the problem, because little daily tasks are momentous quests. That is the thing about migraines that none of us can really explain no one has the same brain as us and no one gets the exact same type of migraines. It is an individual experience that you can never adequately explain. Other people with migraines are the most sympathetic, but also the most judgmental. There is always the feeling of what can I do to make this better. 

I also know for a fact that my next decision is going to make life even harder, but I refuse to just keep watching the parade of my own life. I want to live with the sun on my face and feeling full of grace. You can’t feel that when you are caught up in your own wallowing thoughts. I want a baby. I know that for every person there is a cost to have a child you give them your heart and soul. I will also give up my peace of mind, which I will regret. I only hope that does not turn into resentment. How can a beautiful innocent baby grow and flourish with a mother who doesn’t know what will be left of her after? That doesn’t even take into account what if the baby has this curse of mine? Would they hate their life and want to escape? I am risking bringing a soul into this world to suffer. Yet I want to devote myself whole-heartedly to this person to help them grow and change the world. Every person who is born changes the world and everyone is important. 

I am in the middle of my life and on the edge of my life. Fear guides my decisions and pain inflicts the consequences of making poor decisions. I am in a boat that is completely different from everyone else’s and yet at the same time it is exactly the same. We are all out of our element trying to control our own futures. There is no way to control every aspect or any aspect of your life. The only thing you control is how you act. It is awe-inspiring and damning to realize you have control of yourself and that powerlessness you feel you also caused. Of course, realizing all of this really doesn’t solve anything. It doesn’t magically modify your behavior or fix your problem. 

Nothing really fixes any of this there are things that help, but nothing will truly make it better. It isn’t going to be like it was no matter what you do or how you think. The best thing is to let go of the past forget the illusion of powerlessness and power neither is real. Pick one thing to smile about. Pick one person to help. Pick one thing to live for. Keep going, because your life is happening, and you are missing it intentionally or not.