Ode to Self

Today’s the day I change how I feel sometimes – depressed and lonely, helpless and weak. I will no longer fight against my own self and relinquish the thoughts that keep me down. Today is the day I confront my own demon and set the ground rules. I will no longer be the one crying in sleep hoping for a miracle. Today is the day I shine the brightest among the bouquet of stars that everyone is waiting to see. I will no longer hide behind the shadow of doubts and crumpled up in a corner feeling worthless. Today is the day I take charge of my own and rise above the rest. I will no longer echo what others have said and be the voice of my own. Today is the day I step forward in my life and leave behind the past that sunk me down to despair. I will no longer contemplate on making a right decision and will make one for all to accept.

I stare at the words; couldn’t believe that they just came out of me. Do I sound feeble? Someone in need of confidence in life? I am usually not like that. I mean, I know I have confidence, but do I not believe in myself enough? I am not weak! I don’t cry myself to sleep! Then why would I write it? I close my diary and toss it on the computer desk with the rest of my junk. Maybe, sometimes the subconscious mind takes over and lets the truth out regardless how we feel. Maybe, my own self is trying to tell me something. Who knows! Whatever the case, I should stop thinking about things and get out of bed. Sun is rising. I could see the beam of light peeking through the curtains of my bedroom window. I wonder why they call it a window. “Win…Dow!” D’oh reminds me of Homer Simpson. I chuckle. He is funny!

It’s going to be a lazy Sunday morning. Good! I like lazy days. Getting tired of running against time every day. There aren’t enough hours in the day to get things done. But what should I do today? I will make a mental note of things that I want to do, and will see how far I will go. I brush my teeth, put my hairs on a pony tail and change out of my pajamas. I will shower later. I need my coffee first. I tip-toe out of my bedroom into the hallway; don’t want to wake anyone else up. Dad and Brian are probably still out. They were planning on a hunting trip last I remembered. Brian is my older brother. He is only nineteen but he knows how to handle a rifle. Dad taught him well. The way they speak and get excited when talk about hunting is just incredible to see. The bond they have together is pretty uncommon between father and a son, which is a good thing. Not many guys can say that they have a good relationship with their dad and that they get along well. But these two are definitely something. My dad, who is nearly fifty, acts like a twenty year old. Brian talks to him like they are the best of friends. It makes me jealous sometimes. But I shouldn’t be. I love them both.

I go down to the kitchen and turn on the coffee maker. It’s nearly 7am; so quiet here. I step out of the kitchen through the backdoor and onto the deck. A gentle breeze comes rushing from the north corner and touches my face with its cold bare hand. The oak tree in the middle of the backyard is shedding its leaves in a hurry. We named the tree Breezy. We name everything. The pond at the end of the backyard is Eerie, the bench near the pond is Tushie, the chairs on the deck are Thing-One and Thing-Two, and the mailbox is Billy. Mailboxes were meant to receive letters from loved ones, but all we get are the bills.

I make myself a cup of freshly brewed coffee and grab a book that I was reading the night before. It's The Sun Also Rises - a paperback version of Hemingway. I like reading. It makes me think; helps me be a better writer. I have read this book once before when I was younger. It inspired me to be a writer and helped me decide what I want to be when I grow up. I step back outside to the porch and sit on Thing-Two. I open the book and dive into the pages. “In the morning it was raining. A fog had come over the mountains from the sea. You could not see the tops of the mountains. The plateau was dull and gloomy, and the shapes of the trees and the houses were changed…” When I was halfway down to chapter 16 I hear footsteps in the kitchen. Mom is up. She steps outside. “Morning baby” mom greets, “where’s your jacket?”

“I am not cold ma” I look up.

“Not cold my ass. I see goosebumps.” She responds and steps back in the house, probably to get me a jacket or a blanket of sorts.

Mom will be mom. She is the greatest. She is in her late thirties but acts older. She would rather be home with families than be out with her friends. She is the most beautiful person I have ever seen. I am not just saying it because she is my mom, but she is pretty. If I could be as pretty as she is at her age, I would be the happiest girl in the world. She comes back out with a cup of coffee and a blanket.

“What should we do today?” She hands me the blanket and sits next to me. She continues, “I am thinking apple picking.”

“I don’t like apples.” I respond, putting away the book.

“So what should we do?” She asks.

“Let’s wait for them to come home. We will figure something out.” I smile.

Morning breeze sweeps through the yard in slow motion making the trees sway back and forth. Gentle sounds of the crackling branches whirs like serenade. My mom and I stay there for hours and talk.

We talked about many things. She asked how I was doing in school and asked about my writing. She asked if she could read some of my stories and asked about my grades. She asked if I was seeing someone, and asked about her. She asked how we met and asked if she could meet her. She asked if I was happy and asked if she made me happy. I told my mom about her. I told her everything. I told her how we met at a writer’s workshop and that her name was Sofia. I told my mom every detail of Sofi and told her how much I loved her. At the end of our conversations, my mom kissed my forehead and whispered in my ear “I love you baby girl.”

Life is funny sometimes. Not many people can say that they are truly happy, but I can. I honestly can say that I am happy. I am happy with my family, and happy with the friends I have. I am happy being with my girlfriend and happy being different. I have lived through a tragedy that no girl should ever experience, but I am glad that I did. It made me stronger and better. It made me open my eyes and see the true nature of mankind. I was fifteen then, young and naive. The neighbor at our old house hosted a Halloween party where everyone was welcomed. I was there with my brother. I was Cinderella and Brian was a pirate. He was seventeen then. It was a small little neighborhood where everyone knew everyone else and treated each other like a family. What a family that was! The oldest son of our neighbor was in college and came home for the weekend. I wonder where he is now! Maybe he is in a mental institution, rolling around in his own feces; maybe in a prison cell somewhere, rotting away like a corpse; or maybe he is dying in a slow painful death for raping a fifteen year old.

I go back up to my room. My dad and Brian should be back home soon. I can’t wait to see what they will bring back. Brian is adamant that he is a better hunter than my dad. In some sense he might even be. I have seen him bash open someone’s skull without a flinch. God help the animals cross his path! I grab my diary and jump back on the bed. I open the bookmark of my last entry and continue.

Today’s the day I change how I see the world – corrupt and chaotic, violent and greedy. I will change the lives of many by changing the life of one. Today is the day I find the goodness of humanity and ignore what had brought them down in the first place. I will no longer feed the fuel to the fire and provoke one to be cynical. Today is the day I inspire someone to see the beauties of everything by seeing the beauty in them. I will no longer seek comfort elsewhere and ignore what’s right in front of me. Today is the day I fall deep in love. I will cherish the colors of autumn and be hypnotized more and more. Today is the day I stand beneath a willow tree and look up for the first time. I will no longer ignore the bright orange branches that hang like a waterfall and let my heart fill with dreams. Today is the day I walk among the virtuoso and let the imagination go wild. I will no longer ignore the delicacy of humanity and create a wonderful masterpiece.